Feeling invisible and alone this Christmas

[Painyed]

Just that really. My DH is currently poorly with flu. Not that makes a difference to our relationship. I always feel like he makes excuses (stress with his job, DC, poorly relatives, his previous drinking ) for not wanting to be intimate or around me.

We have sex sporadically, only once I believe this year. I’m approaching menopause but I miss it, I’ve tried talking to him about it but face a brick wall. I’ve put up with so much particularly the drinking. It’s got me really down and depressed over the years. I can’t even be bothered arguing anymore I just feel empty and very down.

We’re having in laws to ours for Christmas but I’m just not feeling like I want to do this anymore with him. I am in a sham relationship only staying due to finances and DC. I still have emotional and sexual needs and want to be with someone who makes me feel desired and wanted.

I also feel as a result of accepting and going along with this marriage I’ve lost my confidence, I don’t feel like going out as I feel ugly and fat (when I go out with him even shopping, he never walks with me😰). He’s great with DC and everyone else but I feel alone and invisible. Lost good friends too. That’s about it really, I need to do something but my self esteem is shot to pieces. I am in councilling though which feels helpful but outside of sessions and my job, I just feel lonely.

I’m sorry you feel so lonely. Why have you lost friends since you’ve been with him?

It sounds like he has no interest in an intimate relationship either emotionally or physically. Has he had problems with drinking over the years?

In terms of finances and your children, what is the situation? Do you work and how old are the kids?

It sounds like the marriage is pretty much over. Would you leave if you felt you could?

I’ve lost friends as I kept a lot of his behaviour to myself. He’s quite controlling which I’ve only just realised as it’s done in a ‘I’m trying my best for you and family’ way if that makes sense? He seemed to know what’s best for me, and I went along with it. I used to go out loads and socialise with good friends but he doesn’t have many friends, he rarely sees them. He prefers cooking and meals in and as I thought I was with a loving caring man, I thought this was okay. Those friends moved on and the friends I have now are settled in own relationships and other social circles. I feel alone.

The drinking has revealed itself over the last five years, it’s been scary for me at times. He hid it well to others including DC. I don’t want to describe on here what that’s been like (not physical) but he’s stopped (I think he has) over the last few months.

Christmas is always a time when I make an effort for DC but I don’t feel up to it this year. His behaviour and constant pushbacks with intimacy/ defensiveness have hit me hard, I just feel really depressed, fed up and resentful of being married to a selfish man.

I want to talk to a solicitor but I won’t be able to move out and sell our house as I am not the main breadwinner. I only work part time in a job that has long shifts plus it’s not enough for rent or another mortgage. Most finances are monitored by him, any split I would get pittance.

I have posted previously on here and I feel ashamed I’ve not taken further steps but I just feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. Not in a suicidal way, but it feels like that.

That sounds really tough. Don’t be ashamed you’ve not taken any further steps, it sounds like a very difficult situation to extricate yourself from.

I’m not really up on finances during a divorce so hopefully other people can be of more help - but do you jointly own your house?

Have you talked to Womens Aid?

It does sound like you’re really at the end of your tether and you need support and help - you sound very isolated. It’s great you’ve started counselling, do you have any family who would be supportive?

Thanks @ButterflyOil it’s good talking on here as I’ve just felt absolutely flat this morning. He is downstairs unwell and I’m feeling desperately sad about the whole sorry mess I’ve put myself in. I’ve not disclosed fully to the few girlfriends I do speak to, I’ve lost the deep connections I used to have with others. I think there are women in far worse situations than me so I don’t think Women’s Aid would need to advise me, he hasn’t been physically threatening. I’ve tried to reach out to family members but I’ve previously posted about stressful challenges with them so again I’d rather not. I feel on my own with this.

House is in both our names. The finance side will be tricky as he manages most of it. Accountant is his family friend so I do feel money would be likely to be organised in his favour as I will be made to look bad.

Can I ask those who have been through the legal separation route, what happens with the living arrangements if DH refuses to leave the family home? Do I have to leave with DC?

Hey OP, giving this another bump for you.

Im not sure what the process would be but I think if you are married and jointly own the home then it would be something to sort out via mediation?

Really sorry you’re going through this right now.

Appreciate your reply @ButterflyOil , I need to look into more

I wonder if you can get some legal advice? It sounds to me like you’ve reached the end of the road with him.

I also think that while I understand what you mean about Women’s Aid, there’s always someone who has it ‘worse’. You are worthy of care and concern and support. I get what it’s like to feel so lonely in a toxic relationship and really life can be so much better once out.

What else do you think might be helpful to you to start to think about planning to leave?

Sorry for not replying sooner. My head feels quite mashed as I’ve been feeling down about this all. Sometimes I know what steps to take and then I get scared or weirdly feel sorry for him.