In love with a cheating suspected narcissist

[Niblo]

I believe my partner of 4 years is a narcissist. Everything has always been my fault including his multiple infidelities over the years. My gut feeling has never done me dirty and he has always been caught, I get blamed but when that doesn’t have me crumbling and running back he starts with the apologies, this has happened numerous times over the years.

The middle of this year was no different and he swears he’s been faithful since however that gut started playing up in October, we have had so many arguments since then. However a comment was made the other day and I left for good, we spoke yesterday and I brought up his cheating and his abuse he told me I was making excuses, I need to think about why he does it and my part played in why he does it and pretty much said it was all my fault and that this years was months ago and I should of got over it.

I told him I can’t get over it and believe he is still doing it but better at covering his tracks since I’ve caught him so many times.

He then tried to threaten me with sleeping with other women and told me I’ve wasted his time and he could of found someone else by now rather than sticking round for me.

I know deep down that his cheating is no reflection on me but I can’t help the feelings of what did I do to deserve to be treated so badly. I feel that I get the blame regardless of what I’ve done for him. He is a control freak and wants me to himself, he’s locked me away from the outside world and should I have a family emergency where I need to be present these are the times he chooses to do it to punish me. He had cheated on my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, day my grandma died etc.

I don’t know what I expect as a response to this post, maybe just somewhere to vent

Thanks Nibs xx

Hi op. This is no reflection on you at all- his behaviour is abusive and he's gaslighting you to manipulate you in order to get away with it.

"I need to think about why he does it and my part played in why he does it". He's a grown man. You are not and can not be responsible for his behaviour and choices. He does it because he wants to and because he thinks he will get away with it. He's being selfish and uncaring of your needs and feelings and prioritising doing what he wants regardless of the hurt it will cause you. This isn't what it's supposed to be like and that is on him- not you.

"He then tried to threaten me with sleeping with other women" - not really much of a threat when he's already done this. He's deflecting his own guilty conscience onto you to try and make you doubt yourself.

"what did I do to deserve to be treated so badly" Nothing. The simple fact is that you don't deserve to be treated like this. He shouldn't be doing it. He is in the wrong and you were absolutely right to leave and break it off.

Op I'd really recommend getting in touch with women's aid for support because what you're describing is abuse and they will be able to help you work through some of those worries and questions you have. I'd encourage you to block him and have no further contact- he's not going to give you straight answers because that would mean admitting he's in the wrong and changing his ways which he's not likely to do. So by talking to him you're really only giving him a way in to continue manipulating and abusing you. I know it's difficult when you love someone (I've had a similar experience myself so no judgement here) but you need to draw a line somewhere so you can move on to better things. And there are better things out there for you if you make the space for them by cutting him out altogether.

Please don’t waste another 4 years with him. He won’t change.

Thank you, I suspected every word you said but everyone seems to be throwing them round a lot lately so I wrote suspected. I have a pretty good feeling he is a narcissist and a very abusive one at that when he doesn’t get his own way but I also believe I am trauma bonded.

I totally get when you say it’s a pointless threat as he does it anyway but it still kicks me in the gut and gets my insides screaming wanting to put a stop to it.

I have always been able to provide evidence of his infidelity as usually I can keep a lid on emotions until I’ve proven my gut but this time I can’t find anything and until I’ve found something he would never admit it so I know I won’t get answers but I just know it’s happened.

I suffer terribly with anxiety and the anxiety of not knowing irritates me to the point of insanity. I know leaving now is for the best and hopefully 2023 will finally be a happier year but I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to break free completely.

Would you possibly know if there is a helpline I could ring instead?. I had a very bad experience with womens aid years ago

I'm not sure where you're based to make specific recommendations op but where I am we also have nexus which are a great support for women who experienced intimate partner abuse maybe they're in your area too? You are definitely strong enough - after all look at what you've just been through and yet you're still standing. It's just a matter of getting the right support around and giving it time for you to deal with all the emotions and process some of the trauma. It takes time but you will get there. Wishing you all the best.

I suffer terribly with anxiety

Because nobody's got your back; not even you, and you're the most important person to have in that position. You're the person who's meant to be responsible for you, as an adult, and by continuing to put up with this treatment, and blaming yourself, you're abdicating all of that responsibility, and simply throwing yourself into the path of someone who makes you feel crap.

This is conditioned behaviour; nobody does this naturally. It has to be learned. Where did you learn it? Usually it's in childhood, where we learn that when someone is responsible for our wellbeing, they will often put us in situations where we feel like crap, and abdicate responsibility. Then we grow up and are responsible for ourselves in a 'carbon copy' sort of way.

What was your relationship with your parents like?

'However a comment was made the other day and I left for good, we spoke yesterday and I brought up his cheating and his abuse he told me I was making excuses'

Why on earth are you in touch with this man?

This man is unsafe for you.

Your anxiety is a direct result of the fact you know this man is unsafe for you. He has stolen your right to informed sexual consent; blame shifted that onto you, made a mockery of special occasions for you by sleeping around, emotionally and verbally abused you AND put your sexual and physical health at risk. He isn't just a risk, he actively harms you and then blames you.

You need counselling and you need to have absolutely no contact with this man.

Your body and mind will thank you for it, be your own best friend!

there's a time to leave and that time was three years ago