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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't move on

14 replies

redbluepens · 20/12/2022 23:41

There is a man I have very strong feelings for, for about 4 years now. There was a brief 'thing' between us which didn't really go anywhere but I never got him out of my head. That's how it started. It's a no go in terms of a relationship as it would destroy my current social circle, my school age dc would also in turn be affected by this. There was a very strong attraction however he appears to have moved on. I don't know what he thinks. It's making me so unhappy, I am just not interested in anyone else. Constant reminders, I still have to see him at things, he's still around/gets talked about. I can't say anything to anyone. I really thought I would have moved on by now. But I just can't, it's affecting my mental health quite badly. I wonder if I love him I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy and obsessed who knows. All I know is I can't go on like this anymore. I've been considering moving away completely from my circle/him. A few years ago I would have thought this too drastic but after all this time has passed I am now considering it. I've tried everything blocking/deleting/focusing on me/ trying to forget/chatting to other men. I just wish I could erase him from my thoughts ☹️ is it too drastic to consider moving away? It's a very selfish thing to consider I know I can't. Making me so unhappy.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/12/2022 00:19

He sounds more an obsession than anything? Maybe it's worth trying to address the obsessive thoughts with a therapist before you do anything drastic. Cos it'd be pointless to move away if you simply continue to obsess from a distance

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/12/2022 00:21

Why would it destroy your social circle to be with him?

America12 · 21/12/2022 00:32

Is he married? Is that why it's impossible?

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/12/2022 00:35

It would be far cheaper to see a therapist about this than it would to move! At my doctor surgery, you can go onto the website and book some counselling. Perhaps do that before you move house?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2022 00:36

You are suffocating yourself with this fantasy you've created in your head. He is not your soul mate. He is not Mr. Perfect. The truth is he isn't interested, and you shouldn't be either. He isn't the man for you.

honestlove · 21/12/2022 00:54

I am guessing you didn't even go in a date with him?

Here's what I know about this, maybe it will help you.

Apparently it means we have a "energy cord" with them that connects us energetically. And you need to get this cord cut. Some kind of subconscious inner work...

But do you want it cut? Do you really want him
gone or deep down you want the relationship to materialise somehow?

It's hard I know Flowers

They say it happens because you lack self love so we latch onto someone externally and want that love from them which they can never provide.

Original poster
redbluepens · 21/12/2022 01:06

Thank you for your responses. I think it's probably a reflection of my mental health as a whole I feel like I'm
losing it over this. I do feel like he's also been talking advantage of the situation to boost his ego. In hindsight he played with my feelings, enjoying the reaction, the attention. Initially he just wanted a shag with the first thing available. I happened to to be there. He said meaningful things to me that I stupidly took the wrong way, I took him seriously. Then he kept feeding me little breadcrumbs. That's correct that ultimately he is not interested. He has moved on. I've been deluding myself. I feel really really stupid actually it's embarrassing. Also really upset. Things are also difficult in general I don't know why this has affected me in this way. I actually feel like I'm going mad .

OP posts:
Original poster
redbluepens · 21/12/2022 01:10

@honestlove i don't know. I don't think I do. I miss him.

OP posts:
Winterblueone · 21/12/2022 01:14

When did it end between you? Do you think it could be the way it ended? No closure on your end?

honestlove · 21/12/2022 01:27

redbluepens · 21/12/2022 01:06

Thank you for your responses. I think it's probably a reflection of my mental health as a whole I feel like I'm
losing it over this. I do feel like he's also been talking advantage of the situation to boost his ego. In hindsight he played with my feelings, enjoying the reaction, the attention. Initially he just wanted a shag with the first thing available. I happened to to be there. He said meaningful things to me that I stupidly took the wrong way, I took him seriously. Then he kept feeding me little breadcrumbs. That's correct that ultimately he is not interested. He has moved on. I've been deluding myself. I feel really really stupid actually it's embarrassing. Also really upset. Things are also difficult in general I don't know why this has affected me in this way. I actually feel like I'm going mad .

I really hate it that men can play with us and our feelings that way Sad

Original poster
redbluepens · 21/12/2022 01:41

@Winterblueone no the only closure was him telling me in detail about the romantic evenings with his new partner. That was the closure

OP posts:
Original poster
redbluepens · 21/12/2022 01:43

@honestlove I know 🙁

OP posts:
alpenguin · 21/12/2022 01:45

Remember his shit doesn’t smell of roses. He pulls an odd face when he comes and it sounds like he’s a cruel selfish bastard so you need to realise you had a lucky escape.

Original poster
redbluepens · 21/12/2022 01:49

@alpenguin thank you. Yes he has been cruel. I've been well and truly played for a little ego boost.

OP posts:
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