Would you be upset by this?

[Doodles29]

Myself (26) and boyfriend (28) filmed an intimate video on his phone.

We were messaging last night and I sent him a message asking too him to send it to me. I then felt shy and embarrassed, so deleted the message.

He then messaged me saying “I saw that message by the way” (with laughing emojis).

I sent back something along the lines of “well I got embarrassed so deleted my message, but seeing as you’ve seen my message...”

Then he starts talking about something else and ignores it.

I then say to him “ahem, I’ve asked you for something” (wink emoji)

He starts staying “asked for what? I don’t know what you’re talking about?” He then keeps prompting me to ask again.

I said “you know exactly what I’m talking about”

He said “yes I do - I was bluffing”

Then I asked him again to send it and he again says “send what?”

I told him he was game playing and trying to mess with my head.

I really don’t understand why he would do this? I told him to delete the video as it is something we should both have access to fairly. I told him it was my mistake for ever doing that with him, if he is going to play games.

He is now being really apologetic, saying that he loves me and that he would never hurt me. I just don’t understand his motives and I am feeling like there is a lack of trust now.

I am seeing him tonight. I am guessing this will need to be discussed. How should I play it?

Bump

Maybe he’s watched it and doesn’t want to admit it shows his butthole? I had this dilemma with my partner and he deleted it ahahahahhaahhahaha

Or doesn’t like the way he looks and is embarrassed

He’s apologised - maybe he too is embarrassed and behaving strangely too!

speak to him, get the video, both decide what you’re going to do with your copies and move on. Don’t be a drama llama

I’m infused by all the weird text coyness given its someone you apparently felt comfortable enough to make a sex tape with!

Confused, not infused!!

I think it could be one of a couple things..
Maybe as others have said, he's also feeling a bit embarrassed, perhaps by how he looks in it or the fact you've done it, and is acting strangely because he's trying to front a bit.
Or, could it be possible that he didn't actually see the message? All the responses sort of sound like he was bluffing that he saw it in the hopes you'd send it again? Rather than just outright saying "you deleted a message, what did it say?".

It sounds like it's new and a bit uncomfortable for both of you. Hopefully things ease up some and you can enjoy it together.

Or rather, instead of embarrassed, just a bit shy? Maybe he's watched it back and thought "christ, is that really what I look like?!".
A self confidence thing may be at play here. I'd try and open it being understanding and open, rather than upset that he was playing games. Just explain how you felt and ask how he felt?

The whole thing is all a bit of an odd thing to get worked up about. He was obviously trying to get you to specifically mention the video, rather than be coy about it. He cannot judge your mood or intention easily over text messages, and misjudged your mood and thought you were being playful. He apologised when you said that you were upset with what he had done.

Separately, if you let someone else record intimate videos of you, you have already relinquished control of that video. You can't guarantee that copies haven't been made and stored elsewhere even if he deletes it off his phone. You can't force them to give you a copy of that video, if they don't want to. If that's an issue for you then don't let other people record intimate videos of you in future.

Thanks guys - maybe I am being too over dramatic.

I haven’t spoke to him all day because I was cross about it. You’re right - it could be from a self-confidence perspective x

@RoseslnTheHospital if you let someone else record intimate videos of you, you have already relinquished control of that video. You can't guarantee that copies haven't been made and stored elsewhere even if he deletes it off his phone. You can't force them to give you a copy of that video, if they don't want to. If that's an issue for you then don't let other people record intimate videos of you in future.

This is the lesson to be learned from this.

Ever heard of ' revenge porn' OP?😳

I have. But it’s illegal where I live. He is plastered all over the video too so I don’t think he would do that.

I think if you're having to break down conversations like this and ask strangers for advice on how to have a conversation with your own partner, you have very poor communication in your relationship.

Why can't you just tell him what you think/feel, and go from there? What are you worried will happen?

Meet him. Ask him to airdrop the video so you both have it. Watch it. If you don’t want it to exist, make him delete it. If he refuses, act fine about it as a cover up but at an opportune moment later on steal his phone and delete it, either with or without him realising, it doesn’t matter (unless he’s violent which he doesn’t sound like). Do whatever it takes sweetie, we’ve all heard of revenge porn. He has no right to keep this if you are not happy with it. It doesn’t matter that you were ok to film it, if you’re not happy about it now, DELETE.

Just to add to the last poster, if you get a hold of his phone and want to delete the video, make sure that it is permanently deleted. If you just delete it from his videos, you would have to go into the trash section and delete it from there too in order to permanently delete it from the phone. If he has something on the phone that backs everything up like cloud or Google photos, you would have to delete it from there too.

Good luck. I have no other advice except maybe don't do intimate photos or videos again in the future as it can cause all sorts of trouble later even if in the moment you think you're sharing with someone you trust, as that can change :)

You talk about this as though you're a teen girl.

From the way you describe the messages, I can only think of 3 possibilities.

A) he is embarrassed and doesn't like the way he looks in it. (Possible)

B) he is worried you won't like some aspect of the way you look in it and is protecting you (but I think, honestly, this is the least likely.)

C) he was trying to engage in a bit of flirting with you and enjoyed you explicitly asking for it and was hoping you'd respond by doing so again. You know, along the lines of wanting to read 'send me the video of me sucking your cock/fucking you' kind of thing (I think this is most likely tbh).

Presumably, you both found it a turn on to video it. I think he was just trying to recapture some of that by hoping you'd ask for it explicitly.

You'd have to he fairly confident about yourself and sex to have a greed to filming it in thebfirst place. I think he's just misjudged your feelings about it and response to it now.

He may be worried about losing control of the video by sending it to you.
You've lost control of it already. He still has control over it.

Id take it that he was trying to have a joke with you as he knew you'd initially been embarrassed so thought he'd try get you to say it again. I wouldn't think he's trying to get in your head I think he was just trying to have a laugh