Called off engagement but staying together

[toastlover100]

My partner and I have now been together for 10 years, and we are in our late twenties.

We decided we would get married 3 years ago, not a proper proposal or anything but we aren't really big gesture romantic types anyway, so that is fine.
It was a chat over Christmas and we decided to start planning a wedding. We did end up buying me a ring and him a lovely watch and calling it an engagement.

Owing to Covid/family issues with anxiety about covid, and my partners own mental health struggles we ended up calling it off to plan again at a later date, but not to do so until it felt like a better time all round.

Now it has been 18 months and after heart searching we have both agreed that actually our relationship is not in the best place and there is a lot we need to work on. We love each other, care deeply and have so many things we are excited to do together, but the 'spark' is missing and aren't in love with each other like we once were.

So because of this, we want to create a little space to work things out without any pressure of planning a wedding and getting married. I no longer wear my ring, and we are turning it into a necklace.

I guess I am wondering if we have made an emotionally mature decision and taken the pressure off for a while to work on ourselves, or if this is all an overcomplicated mess?

TIA

It seems a bit over-complicated. If you're not in love then have you moved unconsciously into the friendship/habit zone, but having been together for so long it feels a lot to give up?

Alternatively you both might be happier just not getting married - plenty of people don't and it's not the be-all and end-all. Do you see yourself with him forever? If so, make sure you have the necessary legal protections in place.

I think you’ve made a mature decision not to get married, but I suspect you’re both scared/sad to admit that the relationship has run its course.

Sounds wise to give yourselves time to consider and work on your relationship.

“I think you’ve made a mature decision not to get married, but I suspect you’re both scared/sad to admit that the relationship has run its course.”

This with bells on. Based on your OP, you got together in your late teens. Most people don’t form life partnerships with the people they were with as teenagers and there are good reasons for that to do with wanting to experience life as an independent adult with no attachments etc and all the freedoms we typically have in our early to mid-20s before we settle into lifetime commitments. Also we do a lot of growing and changing in our 20s.

I remember a poster on another thread noting that they knew a lot of people in a similar position to you who went ahead with the wedding and then split shortly afterwards - as if they hadn’t known they could just split up before. A friend of mine did exactly this. Married a BF of 10 years’ standing despite no longer being in love with him because she didn’t know how to extricate herself from the engagement. The marriage ended after about 2 years and she subsequently fell in love with and married another man. They have a very successful marriage.

Which is a long-winded way of saying that you and your BF are probably at the end of your relationship and needing to split up.

Thank you for your replies so far, even if a bit hard to hear.

In some ways I could agree that maybe the relationship has run its course, but we have so many wonderful things that we want to do together and are excited about.

Is a relationship that is fizzling out really not able to be saved/reinvigorated?

It sounds like you've definitely done the right thing by calling off the engagement - especially as it sounds as if your time and money can be better spent doing some of these other things you want to do together. I think definitely do some of those and see how you are feeling afterwards. We've all had hard times over the last few years and they sound as if they've been particularly hard for you. Relax and see where things for a little while. Far better to take the time now to work out whether the relationship should continue, than in the white heat of wedding prep and the aftermath of the day itself.

Well, you aren’t married, so you can call your relationship anything you like. There are no rules as to how you should behave or plan , except those that you agree between you.

I don’t really think that a few randoms on a website ( who are having a cup of tea and a sit down before they unpack the 🛒 ) have got much to offer you. Have a lovely Christmas.

@tribpot that is a lovely idea to just start doing the things we want to do, and maybe we will grow closer again.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen I am on the relationships forum, this is exactly the place I need to be and I have had some helpful replies!

if you got married 9 yrs ago, no one would bat an eye that at this point married life was a bit flat.
the expectation is you would poke along and work through the hard times.
but your not married, no formal commitment and the relationship is flat.
no matter if you are with other people after 10 years things are more predictable boring and mundane in some ways.

I'm in a similar position. 8 year relationship and we were engaged. I've asked him to move out as we both need space to evaluate the relationship and I've stopped wearing my ring.

To be honest, I think the relationship is done but I'm terrified to tell him. I think once Christmas is done I'll have to tell him that I don't see us working things out.

It's a massive positive that you still want to make your relationship work. I genuinely can't be bothered and I think that speaks volumes.

I think this happens to many couples in their late 20's who got together young & spend their 20's in the one relationship (I was one of them).

With hindsight, we had outgrown each other & just needed a conclusion.

What are the wonderful things you want to do together? I suspect they are wonderful things you both want to do and you have always spoken about doing them together. E.g travel, living abroad. Having a relationship is highly convenient for many adventures, especially when your entire adulthood is built around the version of you in that relationship. It still doesn’t mean the person is the right person for your future.

I think the emotionally mature decision would be to end a relationship which has run its course.

I think around the age of 27 is a crunch point in many relationships. I definitely remember there being a spate of them in long term relationships across my friendship group (including me) at roughly that age. It’s sink or swim time, when you start to transition to the next stage of your life - being settled in your career, buying a home, thinking about marriage and children, and what you wanted at 19 has changed dramatically. My ex and I had been together for 7 years and he wanted to settle down and I didn’t, so we broke up. I was engaged 18 months later to someone else. I’m not saying this IS you and your partner, but if you can’t make it work now, then when?

What if you wake up 5 years from now and still don't have the spark?

You can love and care about someone and yet no longer be right for each other romantically.

Life is both too short and too long to stay in a relationship that has become habit.

Bear in mind that the longer you coast along, the shorter time you will have to get to know someone else to marry and have DC with. If marriage is not on the cards, that puts back family too. Not an issue now, but if nothing changes and you hit your 30's, you definitely need to rethink the relationship by then.
Meantime, absence can make the heart grow fonder, and separate activities gives you more to talk about when you are together. So as well as planned joint activities, a holiday away with friends or family might help to evaluate things and tell you if you miss each other or not.

I was in a similar situation to you OP. Called off the engagement but we stayed together and honestly it was the best thing for us.

The expectation, anticipation and pressure of engagement made me overanalyse every second of my (previously & currently very happy) relationship.

Anyway, at this point you have nothing to lose by stripping your relationship back to taking it day-by-day rather than planning for forever. You both clearly still have love for each other and that's what is most important

Many marriages , and committed relationships fizzle after 10 years. It is not necessarily the status of your relationship so much as the natural changes that occur over time. If you were already married, you would likely attribute the lack of excitement and the possible sameness to the pressure of work, and the demands of every day life. If you have been living together for much of the ten years you have been going through the marriage cycles and patterns without having been married.

You mar be at the same stage that you would be had you married 8 or more years ago. If you want the relationship to work , maybe you can begin to effect some of the plans that you have been delaying.

The question is do you see each other as a necessary part of the future that you envision knowing that there will be highs and lows in any normal relationship?

Married or unmarried things change, cycle, and evolve in a 10 year period.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience @aob3, sounds maybe similar to mine

I don’t know OP - I think if you’re marrying someone / committing to spending your lives together you both need to be all in and fully on board. If you’re calling off the engagement and over analysing at this stage it just doesn’t sound right. Perhaps you both know it’s not right but can’t let go. Especially as you met rather young and have been together so long. Of course there is some love there, but is it the right kind of love or is it the type of love that you have for someone purely because you have been together for 10 years?