TTC or not? *TW assault

[doidaretodream]

Apologies in advance, this is long!

I have 2 children from my first marriage, 16 & 15. I am 36.

They have not been living with me for the last 8yrs or so due to a perfect storm of circumstances that occurred when I left my abusive ex. SS got involved. I was in a situation where I was financially screwed, struggling to cope, had virtually no support system at the time. While all this was going on I was raped by someone I considered a friend and my mental health just crumbled. I tried to hold it together, attempted to get counselling but it was all just too much and eventually I had to admit that I wasn't able to care for my dcs adequately and agreed to a special guardianship for my parents. I still suffer from PTSD as a result of all the trauma, additional things have happened since then that have added to it but it's to much to go into here.

Fast forward to now and I have completely turned my life around.

I have regular contact with my dcs and have a great relationship with them. I've attended more counselling sessions, returned to uni and got a degree. I have a good, stable job that I really enjoy and a fantastic dp who is extremely loving and supportive. He also knows all about my past.

I always said I would never have any more children because I would never want to risk my elder dcs feeling bad about that and I could never take the chance that SS would intervene again. The thought terrifies me. However now dp and I have been together a number of years and our relationship is so good I'm starting to reconsider.

I got married and had kids so so young. I know so much about relationships and life that I didn't know then and I have grown and changed in so many positive ways. Obviously I don't have all the answers and I'll always have struggles but I am so much stronger now and I can't help feeling sad for my younger self that the dreams I had of a happy family with my partner never happened for me. I feel like I have an opportunity now for that to happen, a second chance I suppose. Dp would be a great father and his family are wonderful, they would definitely embrace another child.

My dp doesn't have any kids as he's had some fertility issues and I know it's been hard for him to deal with as he always wanted them. I think he came to accept it would never happen when we met and I felt the way I did about more children. We've talked about it and essentially he's content with what we have but would love to have a child if it's possible and something I'd consider. My dcs have actually said to me that they wouldn't mind if I did have another (they brought it up as their dad had another baby with his new partner, but he hasn't seen them in years and barely communicates with them so circumstances are a bit different). Obviously I don't know how they would feel if I actually did.

Basically, the ball is in my court. I hesitant because I'm afraid of what might happen with SS, I'm worried about the impact on existing dcs and the fact of my increasing age makes any complications more likely. At the same time the thought of having a child with dp fills me with joy. It's now or never really (and never is a definite possibility because of age/fertility issues) but it is even sensible to try? I'm not sure if it's just hormones clouding my judgement, my body's last ditch effort to take advantage of my fertile years?

Please be gentle but honest as it was extremely hard to write this all down and I don't really want to discuss it with people in RL as not many know all the details.

Do you still have any contact with social services via the SGO? Would it worth a conversation with them so you and DP could understand all the implications of having a child in terms of SS involvement and make an informed decision about putting yourself through it? There are obviously no guarantees they would even get involved. You sound like you’re in a very stable and loving relationship, if you can provide for a child and you are both on board then why not try.

@doidaretodream I would ask SS. A friend of mine has her son under a special guardianship and SS would never let her keep a child if she had one- I think it would be taken away immediately (although it arguably shouldn't be that way.) This even though the problems were possibly a result of her being in an abusive relationship that she's no longer in.

Everyone's situation is different so you need to ask them so you know where you stand. They might even suggest things you can do, courses etc which would make them feel happier with you looking after a baby. Work with them if you can. xx

I know in my area your pregnancy would be flagged to social work after your booking in appointment because you’ve had previous children removed. What happens from there will depend on a lot of different things eg how your children came to be on a SGO, while you sat you agreed to it there are different levels of agreement from an open acknowledgment of poor parenting to an agreement because you knew if you didn’t they’d be taken into care, only you know where you sat on that continuum. They’d also consider your relationship with your kids, eg levels of contact, do you keep contact arrangements etc, they’d also consider what’s changed for you in that time and how stable those changes are, and whether having another child to care for might destabilise things.

Ultimately social work don’t want to remove children so if they can support you to care for any new child they’d look to do that first. You’d need to engage with the process though even if you think you don’t need support. If you’re managing fine that’ll show itself soon enough and any support can be stepped back.

I still suffer from PTSD as a result of all the trauma, additional things have happened since then that have added to it but it's to much to go into here.

One thing I would say is get treatment for your PTSD, privately if need be. Nothing exacerbates old trauma like caring for children - be in as good a place possible mentally before introducing another child.

Social workers absolutely do try to take away children inappropriately. I have witnessed a situation where children were sought to be removed against the advice of the children guardians and essentially everyone involved. Judges are fed up of having ridiculously evidenced care orders presented to them: it's very prevalent.

If you approach childrens services for advice, get it in writing. And try and do everything you can to be proactive, show that you are a good and stable parent so that there is nothing to be held against you.

But it is unfortunately very naive to believe that children's services always act in be best interests of children.

In addition to the trauma from your assault, you may find pregnancy and childbirth triggering- both from the assault and because of losing your DC last time.

You really will need support with the pregnancy- but I absolutely believe there's no reason you shouldn't go for it, having considered the implications.

In my area they'd be keen to support you in keeping the DC. With a stable partner, and everything else in place, it should be ok. Would your parents support you?

Actually it depends on which social services you mean. There are different ways of working across them all and there are different levels of family safeguarding and huge work going on to support children in families rather than in care.
Be proactive and speak to them though. The fact you're not hiding anything and had done so well after trauma and the relationship you have with your children now is so positive and something to be proud off. They may well be able to put your fears to rest with one conversation

@BeIcher unfortunately I absolutely know this to be true. I think I was very naive before I had any interaction with them myself and the things that happened during that whole process shocked and appalled me. I would never have believed it if I hadn't seen it first hand.

That said, I know that SS have a terribly difficult and stressful job. They are overworked, understaffed and ultimately human. They make mistakes, just as I did so I don't believe that they are evil. They had legitimate concerns about me - things that weren't my fault but still did negatively impact my children. I got to the point where I realised being with me was not in their best interests because I couldn't give them what they needed and that's why I agreed to the SGO. I felt the more I fought the more difficult and traumatic it would be for the dcs and it would probably eventually be taken out of my hands. So they weren't removed as such but it could have gone that way.

SS are still in contact with my parents but not with me. No concerns though. My parents are in a different area though so different SS to the ones I dealt with. I have never missed contact, I'm there for every Christmas, every birthday and we all go on holiday together twice a year. I am allowed unsupervised contact as often as I want.

@Jellycatspyjamas I definitely agree that I need to be in a good place first. I am generally, but also I do still struggle with triggers and need coping mechanisms going forward because having a child puts a huge amount of stress on people even in ideal circumstances. It would be irresponsible of me to even consider it if I didn't ensure I was as healthy as I can be first.

If you're 'content with what you have' then why on earth would you risk it?

I just think it's mad to even consider risking your health, mental health, potentially your happy new relationship and your kids happiness, stress and agro from ss and well, everything for what? A currently non existent being.

I like the idea of eating loads of chocolate everyday for the rest of my life. But I don't do it because all my teeth would fall out!

From what you've said, you sound like you're in a good position. And you're also able to reflect that you acted in your children's best interests which is very mature.

No advice on whether to have another baby, but all the best.

First of all, congratulations on all that you’ve achieved, I hope you’re extremely proud of yourself.

It’s great that you still have a counselor, have you asked him ? Sometimes (in my opinion) there can be confusion about the notion of PTSD being ‘healed’ : triggers can and may stay, what matters is how you cope with them.

Have you asked your counselor what they think ?

And as PP have said, definitely ask SS in detail what their level of involvement would me as from your OP, I apologise if I am mistaken, that does sound like a potential relatively frequent trigger, depending on which level of engagement they will have. Then once you have this information, you can discuss it with your counselor at length.

Wishing you the best, you’ve done great 💚.

I hope you don’t mind me mentioning, in case it was a question you sometimes asked yourself, that I also went under the care of my grandparents at 10, and they were lovely people, now that they’re gone I cherish those times so much, it’s not something I resent my parents for, I’m happy my grandparents were there and got to form such a special bond with them.