Therapy - what kind/who should I be looking for?

[WellTidy]

I’ve been thinking for a while that I don’t really know or understand myself. That other people I meet seem to have far more self understanding than I do, and I’d like try and further this in some way. Whether that’s through therapy, or counselling, or whatever, I don’t know. I don’t have any huge trauma, am doing absolutely fine day to day, but there is just this nagging feeling that I’m sort of going through life with my eyes not quite wide open.

I don’t know of anyone who has been to therapy (not that they’ve told me, anyway), so where would I start please?

Have a look at the book list I posted in the Mental Health section - the Counselling for Toads one and Responsibility Rebellion are both good at explaining how and why we feel the way we do (and what we can do about!).

CBT is good for retraining your brain into better bahaviours for example. Is shorter term, so if you don't see results in 12 weeks, it's unlikely to happen, but it does look at causes of behaviour, so past trauma for example.
Talking therapy is more figuring things out yourself and having someone as a listening ear, perhaps pointing you in the direction you should be focusing on. There's no time limit and is more, you fixing you.
NLP is more a mix of both the above.
Then you have EMDR and that type of thing, that is eye movement and 'physical' if you will.
Have a look at BACP website for accredited therapists and see which suits you more

Gosh. I don’t think I even have enough self understanding to know which one of those I should be exploring more than the others!

Can you give an example of what you mean by not understanding yourself? That's really vague so it's hard to know what to suggest. And what you mean by going through life without your eyes wide open?

For most people life is really just like that: work, relaxation, social contact, hobbies, moving from one day to the next. Very few people have the time or energy to sit around being introspective and figuring out deeper truths about themselves, and it's usually not necessary to do so unless you're trying to treat a problem (for example when treating depression or low self-esteem using CBT you explore your past, how it's shaped your beliefs about yourself, others and the world, assess whether those beliefs are working for you and learn how to reshape them to see things in a different more helpful way).

What understanding do other people have that you've noticed yourself lacking?

You could look for a therapist who also has expertise in life coaching, which tends to explore your values, beliefs, goals etc. It's really different than therapy so a lot of therapists will offer it as a separate service. It's an amazing experience!

I hear lots of people say things like ‘I used to find x, y, z difficultly but now I have strategies’ or ‘I don’t say yes to so and so invitation now as that is too much’ or ‘[insert sport/exercise of choice] really helps with my mental health’ and countless things along those lines.

Or they understand how their personalities have been shaped by their family members’ personalities or childhoods. One friend has been able to draw from things that her mum said to her repeatedly in childhood making her anxious and feeling not good enough. I know lots of people like this, and I just think they have more understanding of what has shaped them, and are simply more observant or have better memories! But then I think maybe I just repress anything that makes me feel crap, and always have done.

I don’t think I’m neurodivergent. And I’m aware that the people that I hear saying some of the examples above may be. But there is neurodivergence in our family, my eldest has been diagnosed with two conditions, which only I picked up (no observations from school or other family members) and I wonder whether other people have observed anything in me that I simply haven’t.

Is this making any sense?!

On the coaching front, Ive had two career coaching sessions in the past (organised by my employer after maternity leave) which I found useless. I think it was because I was happy doing the job I was doing and didn’t really want anything more from it. And I think the coach got a bit exasperated by that and it maybe came across as me relatively lacking in ambition and drive. (I used to work in an incredibly competitive and ambitious industry.)

I think either person centred or psychodynamic therapy might be helpful for you. Person centred work is about you setting the agenda and pace, the therapist is trained in helping you really listening to yourself better. Psychodynamic is about exploring how our past affects our present, so messages from childhood, previous relationships etc and can be good for understanding patterns in your relationships with others and yourself. Both are relational forms of therapy where the relationship is front and centre, you don’t need any reason to go to therapy, wanting to understand yourself better is a perfectly good reason.

CBT tends to be more about current difficulties and coping strategies so possibly less helpful.

I be careful though about looking for problems where there aren’t any - self awareness is a good thing generally but can stir up a bit of a hornets nest.

Don't discount the fact that you might be one of the many, many people who had a unremarkable childhood which didn't leave you traumatised or with long term issues.

Maybe it's the case that so much is talked about mental health problems that you're wondering what yours is when, in fact, you are completely normal. Self knowledge is always useful and can help you grow but don't assume there's always a problem to be solved 😊

This is all good to know, thank you. I’ve thought for years that I just shut down a bit when I start questioning anything to do with my choices or the people around me, or pretty much anything in my life. And always come down on the side of thinking that I am doing well, things are pretty damn good, and there is nothing to unravel or really think further about.

And yet I always get this nagging feeling that I am blind to the ‘situation’ I’m in (not that I’m in a bad situation or anything), how I’ve got here, the dynamics of the relationships around me etc. And that more observational people would see things in or about me that I don’t see. And I’d rather see those things too I think!

If you're on twitter, look up Dr Nicole LePera. She's really good at naming dysfunctional relationship stuff. Lots of people have lightbulb moments reading her tweets.