Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset

8 replies

stellabella22 · 20/12/2022 10:16

Please be kind. I feel shit enough as it is.

Dh and I have a 9 month old and I have a ds11 from previous marriage. Since day one I've done everything for the baby. Never had a day or night off. Done every night feed, every bathtime. Dh watches her for a few hours here and there if I have to take ds out but that's it.

I can honestly say in my whole life I've never felt so stressed, overwhelmed and hopeless. The baby is clingy I can't get anything done while she's awake. The house is a tip. Dh and I have a good marriage overall but we argue so much lately because I am permanently stressed and snapping. I feel so let down with his lack of support. He just doesn't realise how all consuming looking after a baby is because he shirks all responsibility and is at work all day.

My ds (who I've also snapped at this morning has told me he's sick of hearing us arguing and swearing at each other. I feel so ashamed. I have tried so hard to do nice Christmas things with him but it all means nothing when our home life is so shit. I know I'm at fault and my moods cause s lot of the tension but I just have no help from anyone and I wake up everyday feeling overwhelmed. I just want to run away.

OP posts:
Lunamom · 20/12/2022 11:00

The problem is your husbond, not you.

Original poster
stellabella22 · 20/12/2022 11:10

He is a good man. He works hard in a full time, high pressure job, he helps around the house, does all of the cooking and gardening etc. He is run ragged too. But he has just never helped with the baby and it means I never get a break. I think the pair of us are pretty overwhelmed if I'm being honest. I just can't shake this constant feeling of anxious overwhelm and it makes me turn into a snappy, angry bitch. I'm so sad that my son has noticed now too.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 20/12/2022 11:13

All the time that you are there doing everything for the baby then your DH has no idea how much work they are because he has never had to do it. This is what needs to change. Not you. You have to stop taking over and make him do some of the work. easy to say tough to do as at first he will be rubbish at it but you HAVE to let him get on with it. sit down with him. agree that he will do xx number of bedtimes a week including feeding, bathing and settling down whilst you spend time with your older child or by yourself. I have to be honest here and unpopular and say women often make a rod for their own backs by not letting the other partner step up and take on some of the load and being too quick to intervene when stuff isnt being done the way we want it to be. You are not at fault, he should just realise that he needs to help, most men do. but for those that dont like your DH then you have to spell it out and make him spend time doing things. imagine you got ill who would do it all then?

mummymeister · 20/12/2022 11:14

offer to cook a meal whilst he looks after the baby. having a newborn/toddler does mean both parents are run ragged I am afraid but sharing the different loads will help. its not as if he does nothing in the house which your op suggested so suggest a swop.

Original poster
stellabella22 · 20/12/2022 11:35

Thank you that's a good suggestion. I am guilty of just doing it myself because I feel like I don't have the capacity to have the routine disturbed if and when he doesn't do things right, so it is definitely partly my fault too.
I've just never known stress like it, I feel like my chest is constricting all the time and there's a big ball of panic inside me all the time just waiting to burst. When I'm calm and rational I can see there are ways to improve things and I just need to chill. But it's so hard in the moment.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/12/2022 11:38

Why won't he help with the baby?

I would, in a calm moment, message or say to him that while you really appreciate his cooking and cleaning, what you really need is him to take the baby off you sometimes. You'll cook tonight, he bounces the baby/takes them out for a trot around the block. That you need a physical & mental break from the clinginess, and just need to alternate.

I'd also see the GP in case you have PND.

BumbleNova · 20/12/2022 11:38

Have you considered that you might have PND? It affects people in different ways and anxious overwhelmed sounds like exactly where I was.

buckeejit · 20/12/2022 17:45

Helps around the house is an awful term but you would feel better if he just took the baby for a few hours & you cooked, gardened or helped around the house. It's the monotony & feeling trapped because he isn't doing that part. He really needs to be able to parent too. At 9 months if she isn't unwell, it's not that difficult. Also don't worry if he doesn't do it right. It doesn't matter as long as baby is fed & watered & loved.

Also speak to gp if you think there's a chance of PND

New posts on this thread. Refresh page