My husbands ex

[ChloeBed]

Life is never simple, and I really dislike drama. In summary, my husbands ex partner (they have 3 children together) has recently had another child with her new partner. My husband is very active in his Childrens lives, they stay with us regularly etc.
basically, their mum is not coping with new baby very well, and this is having a huge disruption on our lives, lives of my in laws, my own daughter and importantly the 3 children. I’m a mum, I know it’s tough. I cannot help feel really resentful. I would have loved another baby, and my husband said our blended family was complete, but here we are picking up the pieces of her life choices. I’m resentful, upset for the children and struggling to have any sympathy with her. It’s causing real rifts with my husband and I, as we always seemed to be the ones picking up pieces from her life choices, not her own family. I know I’m being unreasonable as what can my husband actually do, not look after his own children?! But I just wish he could see things from point of view to and have a little empathy with my feelings. Finally, I earn a good salary, I have worked really hard for what I have. The ex does not work, never has, and I feel a little resentful of all the support she gets in life… our lives should be very comfortable but instead she’s a drain!
wishing I was a better person too!

If you marry a man with children it gets complicated. You must have known that

So your problem is he’s having his own children more? I’d always be wanting as much time with the children as possible anyway, how would you feel if he resented the amount of time you spend with your daughter?

I sympathise OP. My husband's ex is very entitled and loves to issue orders all round regarding her needs expecting everyone else to fall in. Sometimes the easiest thing is just to agree, other times not.

What ages are the kids?

Where did she say this was her problem? Quite a leap there. Projection I am guessing. First wife?

If I was to project based on my life (second wife) i would guess it's constant last minute demands and changes.

To be honest if someone really is struggling then kindness is the order of the day for me regardless of how you feel about that person.

is the real issue festering that you couldn’t have another child due to your husband saying no?

I think when you get involved with someone with 3 kids then there are always going to be some problems.

Why are you resentful? Your life sounds better than hers. She's stuck struggling with a new baby and doesn't have a job wheras you have a life you can cope with and earn a good salary. You're the one winning here.

It's probably only going to last a while till she gets used to things, there could be some pnd involved too. As a mum you should be more understanding, after all why shouldn't they see their dad more if it helps for a while.

Can you give us some examples of what and how often you're doing it, to pick-up the pieces?

Can you imagine if this was the other way round. Honestly. Posters get torn down when they have new babies and the mere suggestion the step kids aren't there when they have literally just given birth. But when it's mum, just be kind hun. She needs help.

What’s the actual issue though? Are you having to have his kids more often?

Re what's the issue. My guess would be OP works full time with a child of her own and now around full time work and her own dc is caring for her 3 SDCS likely last minute while their mother, who has never worked, has one singular baby to care for. Where's the baby's father for a start?

@supercali77 then maybe the 3 kids dad needs to sort it out, not OP? ex sounds like she’s talking the piss but not sure why it’s falling to OP and not her husband if there’s childcare issues? And yes, baby’s father should be stepping up here.

@Getamoveon36 It's just guesswork on my part obvs Blended houses you can't really just say, you look after your 3 and ill separately look after mine though? If you're making dinner you're not gonna just make your kids,or just do one set of uniform washing/cleaning up/emotional support etc. Blending is literally blending

Unless she's asking you to look after the baby, what's the problem with your DH having his children a bit more if she's struggling? Better for your step-children to have some continuity with their dad if their life with mum is a bit fractious at the moment. The baby's arrival will be an upheaval for everyone.

If you get together with a man who has kids, you should always be prepared for a scenario where they live with you full time. I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here, but that’s the deal. They are his children and he has more of an obligation to them than you.

OP I could have written this. It’s not about you not wanting your step children around it’s about the impact their mums choices and sheer entitlement has on your home life.
Its very hard especially when you have your own children.
Realistically we have a DH problem because plenty of people are faced with similar situations but it’s how the DH approach it that decides whether it’s allowed to happen or not.
What you need to do is step back and leave your DH to shoulder the responsibility of his children being there, rather than take on the extra work yourself. It’s hard and makes you feel mean because it’s a natural instinct to look after the family unit, but it reduces the resentment. Realistically if DH doesn’t mind being disrupted and have the additional workload then he can have the children as much as he likes, but he can’t be agreeing to his exes demands all the time then expect you to pick up the additional work. Not your circus, not your monkey

As echoed by previous pp, getting involved with Aman who had 3 children was already a "drama" in the making, most probably. Couldn't you see this at the time?

Can you explain how it's affecting you though? I assume you or your husband don't have anything to do with the baby?

Can you elaborate on how you're struggling and how you're picking up the pieces?

Thanks for all the replies! They are all correct!
yes, I feel a bit of resentment. Resentment that we have made sensible life choices based on our Childrens collective needs rather than our own, and my husbands ex has not I guess. Her pregnancy was not planned, she now has an age gap of 20 years from her eldest to her newborn. I get it, I wish I could be kinder, but I’m frustrated her and her new partner did not foresee that they may hit problems. Neither are working, he has I believe lost his job due to the amount of time off he has needed and already not being in a stable job.
so they are being supported by the state, and us. I’m happy for my husbands kids to be here, the older one just gets on with life and rarely stays but comes for meals etc, the younger 2 both teenagers, but one a young teenager needs more support which I can’t give, given my own job, and my husband works for himself and is trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on their table!
also, and this is hard, but the ex wife will often say she in unwell so we have the children, who are then worried about their mum, but then 2 hours late she was shopping in London. My empathy dwindles at this point!
her own family do not step up, and you have to ask why.
for those asking did I not know getting involved with somebody with 3 children would be a drama. No, not really. Stupid? Perhaps. But I have a perfectly amicable relationship with my ex husband, which is built on respect on each others roles as parents and given we are no
longer together our desire to give each other time to carve a new role. I don’t put demands on him, my family support me (hers could btw) and we talk. Those saying perhaps I could offer more support as a mum, I wish I could. But she doesn’t talk to my husband or I anyway, but after doing my very intense job, and looking after everyone else, I have nothing left for me let alone her.