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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex people pleaser loosing friends

11 replies

changedd · 20/12/2022 06:13

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I've always been a people pleaser... I've started implementing boundaries, stop doing all the giving, listening and never saying no to, my "friend" has now started to ghost me. (New relationship)

My best friend asked me to loan her £1000 out of my criminal injury claim and no intention of paying me back it seemed.

As I needed the money and didn't think I'd get it back I let my family member takeover trying to get it back (took over 2+ years)

Her and her boyfriend sent me a message full of abuse and how I'm in the wrong... so don't speak now.

Any advice or this would be great!

I am in the wrong? Or am I now no use to friends that want to a doormat?

OP posts:
Twilightstarbright · 20/12/2022 06:23

They aren’t your friends. Well done on enforcing boundaries.

blisstwins · 20/12/2022 06:26

Yes…it is hard at first, but will get better. Remind yourself that if they were your friends having boundaries would not cause you to lose them.

Imogensmumma · 20/12/2022 06:28

Not your friend. Your friend should be kissing your feet for lending the money not getting angry that you want it back , shows there was never an intention to repay. Block and move on

Learn to never loan money again and certainly not that amount

Well done on putting up boundaries took me well into my 40s to do that

Original poster
changedd · 20/12/2022 06:35

Twilightstarbright · 20/12/2022 06:23

They aren’t your friends. Well done on enforcing boundaries.

Thanks you all so much for your replies! I really appreciate it.

It's put my mind at rest as to why just shocks me that people do that, no moralsBear

OP posts:
Pumpupthejampumpitup · 20/12/2022 06:42

Two things I’ve learnt in life:

  1. People rarely say thank you for borrowing money. If I was ever in that situation, and had to borrow from someone, I’d be so utterly grateful.
  2. Never ever ever EVER loan money that you cannot afford to lose. That goes for betting too!
As for setting boundaries, good on you! I’m in my 50s and still learning…
KangarooKenny · 20/12/2022 06:44

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Original poster
changedd · 20/12/2022 06:46

Pumpupthejampumpitup · 20/12/2022 06:42

Two things I’ve learnt in life:

  1. People rarely say thank you for borrowing money. If I was ever in that situation, and had to borrow from someone, I’d be so utterly grateful.
  2. Never ever ever EVER loan money that you cannot afford to lose. That goes for betting too!
As for setting boundaries, good on you! I’m in my 50s and still learning…

Thank you so much for All your replies guys

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 20/12/2022 06:48

changedd · 20/12/2022 06:13

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

I've always been a people pleaser... I've started implementing boundaries, stop doing all the giving, listening and never saying no to, my "friend" has now started to ghost me. (New relationship)

My best friend asked me to loan her £1000 out of my criminal injury claim and no intention of paying me back it seemed.

As I needed the money and didn't think I'd get it back I let my family member takeover trying to get it back (took over 2+ years)

Her and her boyfriend sent me a message full of abuse and how I'm in the wrong... so don't speak now.

Any advice or this would be great!

I am in the wrong? Or am I now no use to friends that want to a doormat?

They never were real friends. Sorry if that is painful to reflect on but you are better off without users in your life because the help & support only ever goes one way - you to them.

euff · 20/12/2022 07:12

Did I understand correctly that your family member got it back in the end? I know some people would have let it go 'for the sake of the friendship' but for me they weren't acting like friends. They should have cared about repaying you.

Unfortunately I'm beginning to realise a lot of people are like this. They may have seen your criminal injuries payment as a windfall that they could share the benefit of and probably expected you to feel too bad to ask for it back.

Original poster
changedd · 20/12/2022 07:16

euff · 20/12/2022 07:12

Did I understand correctly that your family member got it back in the end? I know some people would have let it go 'for the sake of the friendship' but for me they weren't acting like friends. They should have cared about repaying you.

Unfortunately I'm beginning to realise a lot of people are like this. They may have seen your criminal injuries payment as a windfall that they could share the benefit of and probably expected you to feel too bad to ask for it back.

As soon as she knew I was getting it she asked to lend £1,000 straight away and I hardly heard from her... I have ptsd and would have appreciated the support but Ive definitely learned from allot of mistakes.

OP posts:
euff · 20/12/2022 07:35

Sorry to hear about your ptsd and hope you are now getting support with this. Even if I was hard up and they had come and said they were finding it hard to repay and set up a payment plan for small amounts this would have been something but I do get the impression that they saw it as having a piece of your 'good fortune' even though that's not what the payment was for.

Sometimes it's clear when someone is eyeing up something you've received or sussing out what you are worth before asking for loans. My BIL did this and his friend said the exact same thing to us that he felt like he had been scoped out before being asked for money. He got his money back (BIL borrowed from other to repay him) and tried to remain in touch but BIL is the one who won't respond.

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