Really need help. How do you know

[PolkaBlue]

How do you know when is the right time to split up/divorce?

I do really love my husband. We married relatively young (early 20s).

Since kids I’ve found the resentment creeping in. More and more. He has depression. He won’t seek therapy (I’ve suggested lots of times). He is in a grumpy mood so much of the time. Shouting and swearing at the kids, creating a bad atmosphere. Silent treatment sometimes.

But when he’s in a good mood, he’s so lovely, loving, good with the kids, fun. We’re best friends.

I’ve recently started to keep tabs of good days and bad days (which I’ve been putting off for ages, because I knew what the result would be). There are more bad days than good.

He finds life and everything very difficult. If he does anything for the kids it’s a huge song and dance and exhausts him. Same with work - relatively low hours/low stress job and it exhausts him.

I work a high-level highly paid job and don’t need him financially. This is where the thoughts have started creeping in. I don’t need his salary to pay the mortgage/bills/expenses. I don’t need his childcare help. As I find myself doing mornings with the kids/school run/dinner/bath/bed routine 80% by myself, I used to be annoyed, but now I just have this little voice in my mind… I don’t need him anyway. I am a very efficient person and high ability to cope with things. Sleepless nights with the kids etc, never any help, and working full time. Just used to it now.

I’m so young (20s), kids are young, divorce would devastate him, our families, everybody. To everyone else we are the perfect couple. When he’s happy, or just normal, I would spend the rest of my life with him, happily. But when it’s bad, I get this voice in my head. “I won’t spend the rest of my life this way.” The silent treatment. The bad moods. I can’t spend the rest of my life like that.

I’ve always put so much effort into making him happy. Feels like everything I do is to make him happy. He’ll be happy when we can afford a bigger house, when he changes job, when we have more money, when we get a cat, when I can buy him a motorbike, etc etc. But it never works. And only just really recently I’ve started thinking “fuck it”. Which I hate. But honestly it’s exhausting, and after how much our life has improved, he still seems less happy than ever. He desperately wanted kids and a family.

Thank you if you’ve read this far. Any thoughts, advice or similar experiences much appreciated.

Has anyone had a husband with depression/in a funk like this/ very grumpy and they got help and managed to change?

I never had a husband like that op. However, my parents detested each other pretty much from the get go. They stuck it out until I was 12 having just changed schools and hitting adolescence.

This isn't a good environment for your children. Your resentment will grow.

Relationships are two way relationships. You seem to be doing all the giving here. Don't let it fester until you end up having an affair.

DH and I have been together for nearly 35 years. We have had tough times and have learnt how we each deal with significant life events like bereavement - differently as it happens. There have been lots of compromises but it has never been horrid.

Take care.

It sounds like you're rewarding this behaviour by buying him things to make him happy. My ex was the same. It will drag you down and it's not a nice environment for the kids. Give him an ultimatum, that he gets help or it's over.

My ex-DH was rather like this. I decided in the end that one of us might as well be happy. I'm not sure he is capable of it! But I am.

When it’s bad, I get this voice in my head. “I won’t spend the rest of my life this way.” The silent treatment. The bad moods. I can’t spend the rest of my life like that.

Quite right too. Life is too short to spend with someone who drags you down.

Like you say he sounds severely depressed. If my DP was severely depressed I'd be sympathetic and supportive so long as he was making an effort to get help and improve things for not just him but the family. The refusing to get the help is the part that would be a dealbreaker for me. Unwilling to get help for the sake of the other family members his behaviour is impacting would be unacceptable to me

If he’s shouting and swearing at the kids and giving you silent treatment, that’s a miserable life and something needs to change very soon.

Please don't allow your children to grow up surrounded by this abuse and your unhappiness. It will damage their entire lives and taint their future relationships. For as much as you need to divorce him for yourself, your kids desperately need you to put an end to this. Your kids can't protect themselves, you have to put them first.

As for your family being upset if your marriage ends, that isn't even remotely a reason to stay in an abusive marriage.

Have you given him an ultimatum?

He gets help or you're thinking of leaving.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think I’m going to give him an ultimatum about getting help and see what happens.

Divorce would devastate him, our families, everybody. To everyone else we are the perfect couple. *
*
^ That is what sticks out to me. I don't think as strangers we can tell you what to do. But it sounds like you are making other people happy, not yourself. The disappointment of other people means nothing to the happiness of yourself.

I’d be asking him to get support and also to discover which type of depression makes you happy and lovely when you’re in a good mood and shouty and grabby for more things that your higher earning wife can buy you when your in a grumpy mood.

Talk to him.

I think the snag is that him being miserable, maybe he can do something about, although any solution is unlikely to be permanent. Him consistently choosing to take out his misery on you and the kids is a different matter. You can't take a pill to fix that kind of thing. Good luck OP