Would you be able to be nice to siblings husband if they treated them terribly?

[Lovereallyisblind]

I’m stuck in an awkward situation. My younger sister broke up with her husband just under a year ago. They have 2 daughters , 12 and 9. He went off with another woman. When he was gone he was horrible to my sister. Made her and my nieces cry many times with his behaviour. We found out so many bad things about him when he was gone. He was controlling, had a temper, he used to stay out and not come home after nights out and say he had fallen asleep on a mates sofa, he lied all the time and she never knew if she was coming or going. He would call her nasty names when drunk, and it’s obvious he’s strayed before this recent affair too. ( He denies this of course) However it didn’t work out with this other woman. So he’s come crawling back. And she’s let him. How do you deal with this as a family member? I can’t stand him now. He is saying he has changed and he realises he wasn’t a good husband before. They have been together 10 years and he was like this throughout their relationship. I don’t think someone who has been that horrible for 10 years can suddenly change into a nice person. Or am I wrong? My sister doesn’t want to hear anything bad about him now. Would you be able to play nice with a man like this if they had treated a close family member like this, say if it was your sister or daughter or mother? I feel like she is going to distance herself from us now as she won’t want us to know anything bad he does. Yet if he cheats or walks out on her again I’m sure she will want us to rally round again. We gave her so much support in the year they had split up and now he’s clicked his fingers she’s gone straight back to him and we are supposed to be ok with it? Any advice?

I know it’s really hard but I think for the sake of your relationship with your sister and your neices you need to find a way to keep things civil with him and take a non judgemental attitude to their relationship.
Hopefully she will find the strength to leave him but you can’t control any of this and the only part you can influence is your relationship with your sister.

@Lkydfju I don’t think she will leave him though I think he will grind her down until there’s nothing left of her. I just hope he leaves her again and stays away this time. It was a toxic relationship previously, not healthy for the kids. The thought of having a conversation with him after knowing everything he has done makes me feel sick. I know I will have to try and be civil but it’s so hard.

Nice, no. Cordial, for my sister and nieces' sake, yes.

And when it all goes tits up again I'd be there for her without judgement. She has to leave him of her own accord and it's good if she has people to turn to then.

@Dweetfidilove I think civil is all I can do. And I don’t think I could be there for her if it happens again in the same way as I have been. It took over everything, she wanted so much support, called me every day, only for her to take him back and discard us like nothing has happened. Now her family are the bad guys because we won’t just forget what’s happened in the blink of an eye like she has.