Deal Breaker not to like partner’s friends or vice Versa?

[CosyScentedCandles]

Good friend of ours has a girlfriend. It’s an odd relationship for various reasons that aren’t relevant to the thread so accept this might be clouding my judgement.

It is pretty obvious to me and my fiancé at the girlfriend doesn’t like our friendship group. This is the local friendship group that spends time together regularly. As a former “girlfriend of the group who became friend in own right” I think this is a pretty big dealbreaker in a group that spend so much time together.

Can you have a successful relationship when you don’t like spending time with your partner’s friends?

I think it can go one of two ways. Either your friend has outgrown the group and will prioritise his girlfriend or he will put you lot first and they'll split up.

@Lilithslove interesting so you don’t think there is a version of events where they stay together and we stay friends despite her not liking us? It would be pretty devastating if our friend outgrew the friend group though and I like to think unlikely. We are in our 30s and he and dp have been friends since primary school and lived together at uni - I think they are each other’s soul mates!

........but you can drift away. Not spend so much time together without a big drama about leaving the group.
This tends to happen in 30s anyway as people have dc and childcare becomes an issue.
Friendships are often very much 'of a circumstance'. Even people who live locally. The people we used to spend a LOT of time with in our 20s then became 'Christmas Card friends' gradually in our 30s as other parts of life took over. You can stay in touch, and often find you get back together later (often once the dc are grown up).

It also depends whether the partner just doesn't particularly warm to the friends / has a different sense of humour, or whether they really don't like them (their drug taking, or racism etc)

you can drift away. Not spend so much time together without a big drama about leaving the group.

Yes, this is what I mean. Huge gangs of mates who see each other all the time including couples tend to do this. Even when they all get on people tend to move on from every Friday in the pub together. It doesn't mean you fall out it's that the friendships change.

@UsingChangeofName i think it’s a little from column a and a little from column b. She is 10 years older than most of us so most of her friends I guess have primary age dc and socialise differently. She disapproves of swearing, drinking and smoking which is what tends to happen when we hang out together and she also, from what I know of her, has very different political beliefs to us (she seems much more right wing) so I don’t think she always approves of the topics of conversation either

Then if she is 'the one' for him, he will drift away.
But he'll still be around for the big occasions. Just he might outgrow the weekly nights in the pub - as most people do as life moves on.

I wouldn't say it was a dealbreaker. It really depends on how often the group socialise together. If it's every Friday night, then potentially he'll give those a miss so he can spend more time with her. If it's less regular, he can easily see his friends whilst she does her own thing.

Friends can drift apart too as they get older. I have friends who I drifted apart from after they got into relationships. There was no fallout. People's priorities just change.

Friendships change over the years as situations change and interests. It helps if you get on but it’s not everything. It’s their choice. I have been in a situation where everyone got on great but then my relationship ended along with the socialising with those friends.

There's a group of friends my DP has that I don't hang out with, because one of the women is incredibly bitchy and frosty with me. I'm too old (mid 30s) to want that aggro so he meets them without me. However, his meet ups have dropped from every week to once every few months because he has outgrown them - their lives still revolve around drinking and darts like they're still in uni and my bf got bored of it, discovered other hobbies and met some new people.

It isn't a great tragedy, just life. He was best mates with one of the guys in the group for 15 years but that intensity of a group friendship didn't leave much time for other things in life he wanted to do. So I do think friendships change, not just because of the partner but because the person dating that partner obviously wants the change too. If someone picks a partner they know won't get on with the group, it's likely because they want something different deep down.

I think the friendship group is often an insight into the inner workings of the person you’re dating. If you don’t really like their friends, you probably don’t really like them deep down either.

It could go either way, it depends on the strength of the relationship really.

It's completely possible for him to have a fulfilling relationship with someone that doesn't 'fit' well within your friendship group.

Sometimes people have different relationships which fulfil different parts of us - hence sometimes people have different groups of friends for drinking with/ going to the theatre/ taking the kids out etc. Not everyone we hang around with has to be the same 'type' of person.

I think the fact that she is more right wing and doesn't like drinking with you all doesn't in itself mean they won't have a successful relationship.

I knew she'd be older as soon as you said odd.

It sounds like there are some pretty big lifestyle and value differences between the GF and the friend group.

Either the friend has outgrown the drinking and so on and will move on with her, the GF will become part of the group in spite of the differences (if they aren't deal breakers for her, because I wouldn't hang around smoking and drinking) or the guy will continue to socialise with the group without her, but stay with her. Time will tell.

Unfortunately sitcoms like 'How I met your mother' and 'Friends' are not real life. It's telling that your friend has chosen a much older woman who doesn't share his friends' habits for a partner. Maybe he wants a change.

Funnily enough, my now husband was never a fan of my former best friend, and was the first person to notice we'd outgrown each other. Of course he would still hang out with her occasionally and they got on just fine, he was lovely to her and she to him, but he never understood why I stayed friends with a person I no longer had things (or values) in common with. The relationship did fizzle out in the end. It was sad (I'm still sad about it), but it makes sense. My partner had nothing to do with the 'breakup' though and it definitely was not a 'deal breaker' to him.

Interesting responses. We don’t see each other every Friday night, maybe every couple of weeks in various permutations.

It’s nice to have a friendship group though, for weekends when you are bored and for watching the World Cup/new years eve/summers’ evenings.

Also we don’t dislike her, she seems perfectly nice. It’s just awkward that she seems to disapprove of my fiancé, his friends and a lot of the things her bf likes to do🤷🏼‍♀️

She disapproves of swearing, drinking and smoking which is what tends to happen when we hang out together

To be fair, if you don't smoke, that sounds like a really unpleasant evening. Doesn't mean "she doesn't approve" just because she doesn't want to do it.