Uncoupling

[StonwEd]

Well divorcing actually.
How do you even start.
No kids together which is obviously a good thing but what now. Where does he go? How do I pay the mortgage without him (its my house but I've only kept it as we've lived together, I need a much smaller house on my own). How long does that all take, is there some magic money tree to buffer me through? I only want a tiny house, why aren't Tommy houses significantly cheaper than my house.
My whole family love him and I have to tell them what he's done. He's done it before but I didn't tell them all because I stayed but I'm not staying this time, I promised myself I wouldn't be that woman and I'm becoming her. I'm showing my daughters what it's like to take back a man who lies.
Does he still come to christmas dinner? I can't bare to look at him but can't bare the thought he'll be alone at Christmas either. All his doing though.
Fuck.
I just need to process things 😕

How do you even start.

• preferably you talk to each other and agree things, but often that seems impossible.

Things to agree;

• finances
• child arrangements (if joint children)

Where does he go?
How do I pay the mortgage without him (its my house but I've only kept it as we've lived together, I need a much smaller house on my own).

• these points are related, it might be your house but if you are married it is a marital asset and the division (of the house and other assets) is something to be agreed between you or decided by a judge, it will depend on the length of the marriage, relative needs of the parties and the children etc.

As such, he doesn't have to leave the house at this stage, so there isn't necessarily a "where does he go".

How long does that all take

• if you can agree things between you then it will likely be quicker and easier, although I'd suggest you both get legal advise to ensure things are fair.

is there some magic money tree to buffer me through?

• you may be entitled to some benefits, check on EntitledTo.

My whole family love him and I have to tell them what he's done.

• well presumablynif he has been an arse to you then they won't love him very much once they know.

Does he still come to christmas dinner? I can't bare to look at him but can't bare the thought he'll be alone at Christmas either.

• well, I wouldn't be spending Christmas with someone I couldn't stand the sight of. But it's up to you. If he doesn't then what he does and whether he is alone isn't your problem.

It isn’t only your house.

listen it seems lineages done something that you tried to work through and now has done it again which is the end.

so…

Where he goes is his own concern. That is none of your business. As long as it is out of your house then it’s all good.

You shouldn’t include him in Christmas. There are no shared children and he has hurt you with actions you’d thought wouldn’t happen again.

He is an afterthought now. If he isn’t then you aren’t really ready to walk away. You need to get right.

He will take care of himself. Trust and believe that. You need to make sure you shore your finances and your kids happiness/mental health. You also need to tend to your own.

if you need to sell your house and rent or whatever than so be it. It won’t change the fact of what has happened will it? He has got to go, and you’ll need to be practical and in charge going forward.

As for your family? You might be surprised! They might not love him so much after all. Also, they don’t have to love with him as a partner and you need to raise up for yourself and your kids. They can like anyone they want, but they better love you.

though depending on circumstances some grace thrown their way is a good idea. Just know that people will understand far more than realize and that others understanding isn’t actually very important. Only you can control your everyday existence. Sounds like you’ve had enough.

good luck OP. Be as strong as you can. Remember now that you are not together it’s his job to sort his own things out. Women have to deal with that reality ever day

Lineages = like he has

damn typos

It's always hard to witness someone facing serious consequences. You really don't have to do that on Christmas Day. A day on his own won't kill him.

It will be hard this year to not have him on Christmas day but consecutive years (once you're out of it all and seeing things very clearly) it will be easy.

I don't have any practical advice just wanted to say that.

How long have you been married, is it possible your house will now be treated as a marital asset?

This is such a lovely reply thank you.

The house stuff is set out in stone, it's the last of my worries right now.

We've not really spoken, he's acting like it's a little whoopsie he has to fix. It's not. I don't have the energy to talk yet but I know we'll have to.

Stayed with family last night, spoke to my grown up kids. Everyone was so great.
Just a really really shit time of year. We've already cancelled all our plans this week, well the ones together and at some point I'll ask him what he intend to do Xmas day.

I can't face telling any of my friends. He's put me back in the darkest of places that we were in 7 years ago, if I'd left then who knows what life would be like now. I don't think it would have been better, we've got a lovely life but then again, I've been lied to for over a year and God knows how much else.

My head hurts

Prioritise yourself and your daughters now. He has made his bed.

Honestly, why do you give a shit if he spends Christmas Day alone? His actions have led to it. Might do him some good to realise how badly he fucked up!

Day three. I've not seen him nor really spoken but I know I have to at some point.
My head is in bits, I can't think in a straight line you know, my thoughts are darting all over the place. People want stuff from me, family favours, friends messages, I can't do any of it. I haven't showered. It's all too much to cope with.

This is awful, OP.
Tell everyone you are "ill" and currently out of circulation, can't meet up, run errands or do any favours. Don't enter into a dialogue.
Then try to switch off and clear your head.
Best wishes to you.

Thank you, I'm doing just that. Have cancelled all the remaining plans I had this week. Have pissed off a family member and probably a friend but I can't do it.
No one is checking on me, my siblings know what's going on but not even asking how I am. It's because I'm always always the one who does everything, just gets on with it, sorts everyone out, gives the advice, advocates for those who can't.
I want someone to help me but also I still can't face talking to anyone else.
I'm pretty certain most of them think/expect me to take him back, even I think I'll end up doing that but the thing is I really really think he's finished us this time. I think that's why I'm struggling so much because I know when I rip this plaster off, it will all become real and I don't know how to start over.

You know your own mind and what you want. Don't be influenced by other people who don't have to live your life. Your family can do one. Get yourself to M&S and get some Christmas treats and stay in with your kids. Sod the lot of them.

You're so right. I'm quite hurt by them but guess it confirms what I always thought.
I'm just the fixer, the cook, the driver, the one who pays, organises, helps.
When it comes down to it, I'm completely alone. The kids are adults, they're sympathetic but don't really give a shit either.