I am at a point where I would like to move towards NC with my Dad. Lots of FOG, periods of low/no contact on and off but always get reeled back in.
Always had a turbulent relationship with him. Lots of emotional/physical/medical/religious abuse from my Stepmum growing up which he allowed to happen because as he told me aged 8, he would always choose her over me. I developed an eating disorder aged 14 and tried to end things aged 17. Further pointing to his opinion of me as a difficult child. I am doing much much better now, still have some issues with food but am happy with life on the whole.
It was all very stately homes - nice house, clothes and lots of presents at birthday/Christmas but all a bit Cinderella at home, I had hours of chores each day, compared to my half siblings. I would be physically attacked, sworn at, spat on. Forever being taken to doctors with made up illnesses (this stopped as I got older and could dispute things). Lots of being forced to go to church so people could prey away my demons 🙄
Since having my own child I have struggled more and more with maintaining a relationship despite them being much better towards me. I just love my child so much, I cannot comprehend how a father can allow his child to go through what I did. I have tried talking to him but he has zero capacity for self reflection. I am always the bad guy - I was a miserable/difficult/ fat child so it was all my fault. I made their lives hell, I was awful to live with etc. I probably was, as a product of the dynamic I lived in.
Sorry for the ramblings, I just feel a bit lost and don't know where to go from here. We last had a tense phone call about a month ago and I've just ignored him since then. Him, my Stepmum and my half brother have tried ringing recently. It will be about Christmas, to give me and my son a massive pile of gifts because that makes everything alright obviously. I appreciate that sounds ungrateful but it doesn't make up for what they've put me through.
I want to just say oh fuck off and leave me alone. I've built a nice life and I want to be left to live it, but something is stopping me pulling the trigger. Argh! Sorry that's such a long ramble.