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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I heard my ex isn't doing great

50 replies

Newbeginings2 · 19/12/2022 13:19

I was basically discarded after almost 5 years in 2021. I was devastated and heartbroken and spoke to a counsellor who said, from what I'd described, he sounded like a narcissist, hence the gradual belittling and final discard.
I meet up with a couple of mutual friends only 3 or 4 times a year. I met them for dinner yesterday and they told me they'd seen him recently and he appears depressed. I'm angry with how he treated me and also with myself for letting myself be treated that way, but I can't stop thinking about him now and hope he's okay as he was a big part of my life. I'm not going to reach out or anything, but am wondering has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 19/12/2022 16:29

OP - you spent 5 years of your life with him, and although the end hurt badly, it’s very hard to just switch off all emotions towards someone. So feeling sad that he’s having a tough time is normal and natural in someone who’s generally caring. However it’s not your problem or job to fix.

Astrid34 · 19/12/2022 18:00

I think it shows what a genuine caring person you are as you still feel sorry for him. My ex was horrific and after finally leaving him he got diagnosed with a life limiting illness

billy1966 · 19/12/2022 18:18

ItsaMetalBand · 19/12/2022 14:13

He's discovered that women aren't lining up to throw themselves at him so he's spun your friends a sad tale of woe knowing that it'll get back to you.

Then, at this time of year when people are feeling all glowy with the spirit of Christmas he'll probably text you to tell you what a shit Christmas he's having without you, you'll meet and he'll do his sadface to a tee, you'll both get a bit drunk and wistful so will end up shagging. He'll fuck off before new year, and you'll be left right back where you started, heartbroken all over again.

Give yourself the best Christmas gift of all this year - block him on every single platform you can think of before he messages you and toast your freedom from this utter arse with a lovely glass of your favourite drink. If he's miserable - GOOD!

This.

Start focusing on improving your boundaries and self respect.

You allowed him to treat you very badly yet you are feeling sympathy for him?

Thats not being too nice, its being a mug who doesn't have high standards.

He treated you badly and dumped you?

You deserve to be treated better than that.

If you don't want to be treated like this again, start figuring out why you allowed it to happen and still feel sympathy towards him.

Doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a start.

Stay the hell away from him.

ThisWormHasTurned · 19/12/2022 18:24

I highly recommend Caroline Strawson who talks about narcissism in relationships. It’s been an eye opener for me.

Sounds to me like your ex is currently without a narcissist supply. They crave that attention and without it they struggle. He will find another before too long though. They always do.

it’s nice that you’re caring but he honestly doesn’t deserve your sympathy.

SmileyClare · 19/12/2022 18:27

billy1966 · 19/12/2022 18:18

This.

Start focusing on improving your boundaries and self respect.

You allowed him to treat you very badly yet you are feeling sympathy for him?

Thats not being too nice, its being a mug who doesn't have high standards.

He treated you badly and dumped you?

You deserve to be treated better than that.

If you don't want to be treated like this again, start figuring out why you allowed it to happen and still feel sympathy towards him.

Doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a start.

Stay the hell away from him.

Show quote history

Improve your boundaries and self respect

Agree, this man was your abuser. Recognise that and stop allowing him head space.

littleburn · 19/12/2022 18:55

Narcissists seek out empathetic people as their kind nature means they're more likely to tolerate their bs. So this is your empathy coming through, which is not bad in itself. But you aren't responsible for him or his happiness - make sure you remember that and keep that boundary firmly in place. That isn't the same as being nasty or unkind, but he left you, he chose not to have you and your kindness in his life anymore. You can feel sorry for him, but that doesn't necessitate any action from you. That is a perfectly normal, reasonable and sensible boundary to have in place with an ex.

I strongly suspect he may get in touch, especially if he hears that you asked after him. Remember narcissists have no boundaries or shame and feel entitled to your attention no matter how badly they have treated you. Keep up with the no contact and don't get drawn back in again, because a) being broken up means you owe him nothing and b) you know you'll just be back for another round of the idealise/devalue/discard cycle.

frozendaisy · 19/12/2022 20:01

He's depressed because he has no one to abuse.

But hey better that than him having someone to abuse and him being not depressed.

Original poster
Newbeginings2 · 19/12/2022 21:00

It's kind of strange to me when I see the word "abusive" written about him. He had a superior attitude, talked over me at times, criticised my interests, things in my home, which I used to brush off as banter, but probably wasn't, as suggested by counsellor. Anyway, I'm going to try and put him to the back of my mind now.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 19/12/2022 21:28

Definition of emotional abuse;

Non physical behaviour to purposefully control, manipulate or belittle a victim.
In romantic relationships this often presents as insults, humiliation and dismissiveness.

Jewel7 · 19/12/2022 21:38

I think if your a caring person he would have liked that you maybe put him first. When you were together. Maybe an empath. I think upbringing has a lot to do with the people we attract. I have had toxic relationships. I still care for a few of them in my own way from a distance. I felt sorry for them in the end. I could forgive, over time. I don’t need to be friends with them though.

PeaceJoySleep · 19/12/2022 21:55

You have been trained to feel his emotions more accutely than you feel your own.

Try to recalibrate. You need to feel your own emotions first.

Scotcousin · 20/12/2022 07:04

Well, poor him. You sound lovely and far too good for him. Let him suffer and realise what he's lost. No contact all the way.

barmycatmum · 20/12/2022 07:11

It’s natural to care for someone’s well being, when you’re a normal person who has access to empathy and compassion.

do not get in touch , no matter what you do- you yourself deserve your strongest caring and protection.

just wish him healing - over there, where he can stay away from you- and move onward.

  • (I say this as someone who is recovering from a narcissist, and was discarded in 2020. Blocked him everywhere for my own healing.)
PeaceJoySleep · 20/12/2022 08:09

Also @Newbeginings2 there is power in being the victim, being hurt, you feel bad for him and suddenly, wait! What? You have taken on the mantel of She who hurt him
You are back in communication at this point with the narrative that you need to redeem yourself in his eyes.

Back away.
When you get there, back away again.

Wonderingiforifnot · 20/12/2022 08:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Wonderingiforifnot · 20/12/2022 08:58

Sorry, I thought I was making a new thread. I've asked for my post to be deleted.

Original poster
Newbeginings2 · 20/12/2022 09:20

barmycatmum · 20/12/2022 07:11

It’s natural to care for someone’s well being, when you’re a normal person who has access to empathy and compassion.

do not get in touch , no matter what you do- you yourself deserve your strongest caring and protection.

just wish him healing - over there, where he can stay away from you- and move onward.

  • (I say this as someone who is recovering from a narcissist, and was discarded in 2020. Blocked him everywhere for my own healing.)

This man is early 50s and I was his longest ever relationship. I thought I was different, but was discarded just like all the others.

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 20/12/2022 17:36

You're an empathy.

He's a narc.

You've wasted long enough on him.

VisaGeezer · 20/12/2022 17:42

*Empath

VisaGeezer · 20/12/2022 17:42

Newbeginings2 · 20/12/2022 09:20

This man is early 50s and I was his longest ever relationship. I thought I was different, but was discarded just like all the others.

Show quote history

He's sounds like a poorly adjusted individual.

barmycatmum · 20/12/2022 21:57

I understand. but it's a battle that can't be won. You can't be different than the rest, because HE is the same person who discards people.
The key is to untangle your self worth from how he is, how he feels - you are not his therapist, savior, or healer. He just drains people and tosses them, drains and tosses.
Please just focus on you. it's the only way forward from these kinds of damaged individuals.

pinktoad2022 · 21/12/2022 10:06

OP, I was totally in your situation just a few weeks ago. Was married for 24 years and ex husband went off quite happily with OW, leaving me with the kids and not a backwards glance.
6 years on, he's whinging to our adult kids that he's depressed, hates his life (he has two toddlers now) and is always broke.
For a nano second, I felt sorry for him, because in theory, he's been in my life for 30 years. I then came to my senses....... laughed inwardly and opened an expensive bottle of wine !

Original poster
Newbeginings2 · 21/12/2022 14:53

barmycatmum · 20/12/2022 21:57

I understand. but it's a battle that can't be won. You can't be different than the rest, because HE is the same person who discards people.
The key is to untangle your self worth from how he is, how he feels - you are not his therapist, savior, or healer. He just drains people and tosses them, drains and tosses.
Please just focus on you. it's the only way forward from these kinds of damaged individuals.

That makes so much sense. From what he told me previously, he ended them all the same way.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/12/2022 15:39

You can't be different than the rest, because HE is the same person who discards people

I always said that exH had the Coke can approach to relationships. Drain, crush and discard.

Scotcousin · 22/12/2022 08:56

You should feel sorry for whoever his next victim will be. He's in his 50s, this is his pattern and he's not going to change now.

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