Whole family turned against me

[TheresNobody]

I really don’t know what to do. I am starting therapy in the new year but I’m just so broken.

I was severely abused as a child. Predominantly severe emotional abuse. Occasional physical which was severe when it happened but rare. There seemed to be a pattern of my mother being emotionally abusive 95% of the time and 5% of the time would be over the top nice and it was honestly the most confusing thing to go through as I’d be at my limit and desperate and suddenly she would switch and be lively for a very short time but then back to abuse soon after so from a young ages my mind was developing in a very bad environment which has caused ptsd.
Physical abuse probably happened 10 or less times but when it did it was severe so not much but horrendous.

My mother carefully cultivated such a perfect image publicly that when I tried to get help I was not believed. I was painted as a troubled child and teen as a way for her to cover up her severe abuse to me

she is narcissistic and also played mind games with my siblings which she continues to do. They fell into the roles of being her favourites as they would join in and back up her lies to outsiders . In a lot of ways I think they saw me suffering and had to protect themselves.

Ever since I left though years ago she can’t leave me alone. Constantly actively trying to sabotage my life. Tells lies about me to anyone who will listen. She controls the whole family as she dangles the inheritance carrot and nobody talks to me. Dsis is her sidekick she contacts me sometimes faking being friendly but is just information gathering to use against me so I blocked her.
I’ve been reported and arrested even for things I haven’t done because they want to ruin and disrupt my life. I’ve had enough of it all.

I scared of starting therapy I’ve had so much awful stuff done to me Im Scared of opening up and telling someone but I’m lonely and destroyed by it.

I used to wish she would die but even when she does it won’t be the end she’s stripped away all family and friends and ruined my reputation. She’s evil and I feel angry at everyone who believes her but equally I have seen her acting and she’s convincing.

I don’t know what i did to deserve this. I have a wonderful dh and lovely children . Thank goodness her attempts to take them away from me failed but I’m just so broken by it all

You did nothing to deserve this, nothing at all. What could any little child ever do to deserve such treatment?

Not you but her. And it always was. She needs you to mistreat you because it helps her cope. Don't try and unpick her thought processes, they are very warped. Don't waste any energy on her at all.

What can you do about it? Walk away from all of them. Drop the lot of them now and for good. Get some good therapy to help you work through this (it takes time and you may need to revisit it at variouspoints inyour life). You've done amazingly to get this far but no one could survive this sort of abuse without help.

Then enjoy your family and friends. Enjoy your life. You can still have a good one despite what has been done to you. Its normal to feel broken by it, traumatised by it. But you can heal, with support, with time.

One of my cousins (who was ill treated by her dad) moved and gave none of the family her new address (except one very discrete sister). Also not the ones that she had contact with so we couldn't give it to her dad when he asked (which he did). Her facebook profile is gone and she can't be found on the internet anywhere. She's only in contact with one sister who doesn't tell where she is but says that she is doing well so I'm happy for that.

Might be an idea to pursue... I imagine that my cousin is now living a peaceful life of only her making. In her case it was totally understandable to all of us (except her parents) so if she ever wants to get in touch after her parents die, she'd be welcome to.

@TheresNobody One of the BEST pieces of advice was given to me by a counsellor who had been an inmate of Barlinnie (?) prison and had been very troubled, but sorted himself out was

”Be your own parent ”

Those four words really helped me.

I love that advice, thank you.

I don’t know if you are looking for advice but if you are mine would be to put a metaphorical steel wall up between you and your family. You don’t deserve this. They are broken not you but don’t let them break you.

I had very similar advice from DH, many years ago. Neither of us had the kind of parents you'd wish on anyone. He was far more prosaic about it than I was at the time.

Allow the counsellor to help you shape your own way of finding that mental shoulder shrug. They (your family) are who they are. You are you... and you don't need to contemplate anything they have embroidered about you!

If it helps my DF has sold me and DSis as 'highly independent, cold hearted, ungrateful empty spots in his heart'. Put bluntly, having been cold, irrational, prone to heavy handedness in our childhoods, DF, and DM by her silence, turned out to be lying, thieving con artists. They took DSis for a lot of money, both of us over the years have felt the tug on our purse strings, but they truly rinsed DSis - and yet manage to claim she actually owes them money!

We now shrug and remind each other that we live hundreds of miles away and don't need to think of them ever! We have come to this state in our 50s. Do better than we did. Let that counsellor in!

It was such simple advice..
We can’t fix our childhoods, but we can look after ourselves going forward.

It’s often generational, family stuff.
eg a parent may have been abused by her own mother- and she carries on same pattern with her daughter.
Scapegoating is common

It’s not pleasant.

@TheresNobody A GOOD counsellor will help you by allowing yourself to move forward
Raking over old coals wasn’t helpful for me, but is for some.
Cognitive Behavioural therapy was useful 🙂
Good luck!

I don’t know why but what’s hurting me the most are the times she was nice. I know that it wasn’t genuine how could it have been, but as a toddler and a child and a teen I lived for those moments. Somehow my mind elevated them and made me think all hope wasn’t lost, that she did love me, that she might change. Every time she reverted it made a scar on my mind I think but I fell for it time and time again. It would have been easier if it had been 100% emotional and physical abuse all of the time not these moments where she would be kind or buy me something or give me a few hours where she was lively and complimented me . It tore my mind apart as I’d hate her but then suddenly I’d think ‘no maybe I’m the one who is wrong - she’s been nice’

I don’t know why I’m so sad today. Well, maybe it’s coming up to Christmas. I have such wonderful memories of Christmas . They weren’t wonderful ! Some part of my childhood brain must have thought ‘you need to survive- you need to be happy’ I found joy in things that maybe others wouldn’t. I tried each year to see the good in someone who didn’t love me and I feel like it’s made it worse. Did she know what she was doing all the abuse entwined with these brief moments of kindness was it another mind game ?

I just feel sad and defeated. It’s really hit me today. Tidying the house, wrapping things ready for the weekend and just thinking how I feel about my dc how much I love them and wondering why she chose to not love me and I feel so sorry for myself

There is no logic to it. It doesn’t add up. It isn’t a problem with a solution.

It’s often generational, family stuff.
eg a parent may have been abused by her own mother- and she carries on same pattern with her daughter.
Scapegoating is common

This is usually the cause. Unconscious patterns of behaviour repeated generation after generation. The power comes from being the person who puts an end to it in your family with your children.

I am currently in the process of considering a move and to just disappear so my family can’t torment me any longer. I’ve thought about it a lot just a fresh start. I was going to focus on Christmas and in the new year really give it some thought as here I am constantly anxious and on edge and feel judged because of the lies they spread

Try and remember that none of the people who believe their lies matter.

You have been trained up into lots of beliefs that suit them- like their approval matters, like it would be awful if they said bad things about you. None of it's true. They can spout whatever crap they like. Anyone who believes it, isn't worth knowing.

You don't need them. The 'good times' are just a demonstration that they could have behaved better if they chose- they did not.

Well done for escaping and making a life with your DH and DC. Focus on them and on healing yourself.

At some point when you are ready you are may consider just starting from the beginning. Literally ground zero. Leave the family and old friends behind, and start building a very solid foundation of friends and close confidantes. You don't need a bio family to be happy, you can in fact build your own. Find support networks, groups and happiness elsewhere.

You can't change them
You can't change what has happened

What is totally in your power is to change how you react to them (pref not at all) in the future, and what your best life looks like.

For now, I would focus on getting through the holiday period unscathed. Are you seeing other people? What is the plan? Be strong, it is one day and then start again and a new chapter - a new life.

I moved a long way away. It was nice to be able to be free and live here on my own terms. I would say the distance does not always solve everything, it will still hurt and at times you might feel like you miss having a 'family' connection, but overall for us it has been freeing and liberating. We made our own lives here, have a great support and friendship network and a very full life. It is worth taking your time, and really balancing the benefits versus the downsides.