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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can men change

22 replies

giffyp · 19/12/2022 12:40

I was in a almost 4 year relationship which had lots of ups and downs we got on well and had fun most of the time when it was just the 2 of us , we never got our children on board mine 13 & 20 as they do not like him and his 16 & 21 I struggle with his eldest as he’s spoilt and manipulative and his Dad treats him like a baby, anyway… my partner suffers with his MH which I find hard because he can’t deal with any big changes and he has the odd drinking binge when he changes personality… over the time we have been together I wanted to progress our relationship or try to but he didn’t he can be very selfish and even at 53 his Dad bought his house and he basically works whenever he wants for his Dad and is spoilt rotten, the thing is he can be very loving affectionate and generous, but we have struggles 7 weeks ago he ended it saying he loved me but couldn’t give me what I wanted, I was devastated at first but things were getting easier my children were glad also parents and friends were glad it was over…. Then a week ago he called saying he couldn’t live without me he would give me whatever I wanted….. engagement, marriage, move in …. But he knew he never wanted to be without me…. I asked for time but he begged and pleaded and I felt pressured and bad and of course I still have feelings, he said he was going to change and be a stronger person… thing is I don’t know if I want any of it anymore….. the thought of us trying to live together with his brat son ect I just can’t imagine I’m not sure what to do….. I feel sick

OP posts:

CousinKrispy · 19/12/2022 12:45

Ok, several things.

One is that it's very difficult for people to make changes, especially at the ripe old age of 53. And I don't think people can change their essential nature, even if they can make some changes to habits. And they have to commit to work really hard on changing even that limited amount.

But also. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who pressured you rather than respecting you and giving you space. That is not a healthy sign.

And also. Describing his son as "a brat," that's awful and even though son is an adult I don't think you should be in a relationship with someone when you feel so much contempt for their child. For many reasons.

This just sounds disastrous all round TBH.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 19/12/2022 12:56

Can he? Possibly. Will he? Almost certainly not.
He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear to achieve his immediate aim of getting back in the house. Long term though, I don't see what motivation he has to change. My serious advise would be to be grateful he made it easy for you by leaving and keep him left. Frankly, I think if so much of his behaviour hasn't been established as what you accept as normal you wouldn't even be asking the question. It's not normal though, he won't change and you deserve so much better in life.

frozendaisy · 19/12/2022 13:23

You and everyone you know are glad it's over.

What does that tell you?

Luckily for you this was his decision so you can't be blamed.

He says he will change. That's the easy bit. I could say I shall win the grand national next year, doesn't mean it will ever happen.

Don't go back. It won't get better. Wish him well by all means but you would be a fool to continue involving this manchild and kids with your family.

Have a great Christmas, then life without him.

tribpot · 19/12/2022 13:24

Like father, like son by the sound of it. He sponges off his dad and his son sponges off him? The whole dynamic sounds very odd and dysfunctional.

This sounds like a massive non-starter. Your kids are happier with him gone, you're happier with him gone, your friends and family are happy you've broken up. And then when he does decide he's changed his mind, he uses high pressure sales techniques to force you into a quick decision. That in itself should be a massive red flag.

Honestly, the simplest thing is just to say no, you've realised you're not suited and you wish him the best.

Ragruggers · 19/12/2022 13:28

No is the answer.Spend your time with your children and enjoy less drama.Excess drinking is a huge No and his son! Why put yourself through that.Tell him no you want to move on it doesn’t work for you.Good luck.

Newwardrobe · 19/12/2022 13:29

He won't change at the age of 53 .

Whatacrocof · 19/12/2022 13:34

Don’t go back it’ll be a temporary fix before old ways creep back in. Look forward and not back. You got this xx

Pansypotter123 · 19/12/2022 13:35

You're not his rehab centre. And he won't change.

Ban · 19/12/2022 13:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 00:50

What has changed since when he told you that he couldn’t give you what you wanted to now?

Is it that you took him at his word? You didn’t beg and you kept life moving in a positive direction?

Is it that you didn’t beg him back and let him lower the bar of your expectations? You didn’t tearfully say “ok but I’ll just take whatever if you only stay please?”

Because what you should be is angry. For the following reasons:

he told you he couldn’t give you what you wanted and now you come to find out he actually could!
It took you respecting his wish of not having you in his life for him to realize his control over you had ended.
He is putting you in a pressure filled situation when it was HIM who ended it and it is HIM who is wanting you back in his life. HIM. He should give you the respect to sort through your feelings and have conversations about what the future holds and how that will come about. He doesn’t get to just show up with some words have you running like a dog.

I think he did you a favor. I think he’s be wasting more of your time. I don’t think he is a catch because he doesn’t even have the intelligence to realize when he had a catch himself.

Fly free. Or do as you like. However, DONT allow yourself to be used car salesman sold with pressure. If he can’t stomach real conversations and work then he doesn’t really miss you at all.

JustKittenAround · 20/12/2022 00:54

PS the drinking and MH issues worry me as well. He seems to be one to blame everyone but himself.

he is also old. This man is 53. I bet you he can’t even articulate what exactly he needs to change nor his specific plan to make that happen.

Poster above is correct, you’re not a rehab center. You can’t do this for him. He either respects you and wants to do the work to tackle these very serious issues, or he doesn’t. It’s up to him. You being around again will just buy him time and waste your own.

Bedazzled22 · 20/12/2022 01:22

Its not a match made in heaven is it … hes selfish, binge drinks and changes personality (assume not in a good way), he doesnt like your kids, you dont like his kids. He would marry you and give you what you want now, despite saying he couldnt before, everyone you know is happy you are not with him….

keep going forward towards the happier life, dont look back..

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2022 05:08

It doesn’t sound like you should take him back; too many issues and red flags

ShandaLear · 20/12/2022 05:26

He’s a drinker, a sponger, he has poor mental health, your kids hate him, and you’ll be stuck with his lazy ass son. Run for the hills before you get locked into another count of nonsense.

page1of4 · 20/12/2022 06:03

Biggest mistake I made was to commit to someone based on promises of change. Tell him to actually do it, live the new lifestyle for a year then come back and ask for another chance. If he doesn't do it you'll quickly have your answer. I don't suspect it'll take long and you can walk away safe in the knowledge you've made the right choice. Or even better he'll actually do it and you'll know he's capable of sustainable change and live happily ever after

Itsthewhitehat · 20/12/2022 06:06

People can change.

Do I believe he has changed in a such a short of time? No.

Nor do I think he actually will. Telling someone what they want to hear to get back is a common ploy. It rarely produces actual change. It’s a desperate play.

Read back the list of problems in the relationship and ask yourself why YOU didn’t end it sooner.

Notsuchaniceguy · 20/12/2022 13:58

Can men change? Yes. So can women. Even late in life.The question is always do they want to? In this case, I'd be cautious that he will, it does feel like it's lip service to getting back the status quo. If he had come along and said I'm beginning to see the error of my ways and an changing for me then maybe a first step (although that can be still just lip service in fancier words).

If he said I see I've treated you and others badly and so am taking myself off to work on that and you are free to do what you want in life and I get it may not involve me because of what I've done then maybe he is really set on change. That said he'd actually have to do the taking himself off to do the work.

Actions not words are needed along with a willingness to accept that due to one's past behaviour, others are allowed boundaries or to remove you from their life and you don't get to piss and moan about it or beg for forgiveness. "but I've changed..." is not really change.

I think in AA one of the steps is apologising to everyone you have hurt. I think another might be true acceptance that they don't have to accept the apology. Kind of the same thing.

Watchkeys · 20/12/2022 18:44

When you have a good relationship, the things you write about your partner are things like how much you respect them, and how well they treat you. How much you enjoy spending time with them, how much fun you have.

Why are you bothering with all this drama and negativity?

Original poster

giffyp · 20/12/2022 19:39

I guess I’ve felt it’s all I have to hold onto x

OP posts:

Heyahun · 20/12/2022 19:43

God no just end it. I couldn’t be with anyone that requires changing tbh - it shouldn’t be such hard work - he sounds a bit pathetic begging as well wtf

Watchkeys · 20/12/2022 19:53

giffyp · 20/12/2022 19:39

I guess I’ve felt it’s all I have to hold onto x

There's nothing else? No sense of self? No sense of what you want? No sense of how you'd like things to be?

Original poster

giffyp · 20/12/2022 20:08

I want to be all that but just struggle nothing I’ve done has ever been for myself, I guess it’s not to late to learn x

OP posts:

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