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Original poster

Am I selfish to not want a holiday?

11 replies

dingdongbe · 19/12/2022 12:28

I've had a rough few months. High pressure at work and an elderly mom who lives 4000 miles away who has been sick and in hospital. The guilt of not being able to rush to her side and help her out and support my sibling who has been shouldering all the responsibility has been tormenting me. Its Christmas time now and flights are so expensive it not worth traveling just for 10 days. Mom is much better now and at home now with carers with sibling coming in daily to have an eye. Sibling has also just had an operation and I feel really guilty not being able to be there. Its partly the airfare, partly a lot of commitments at work that I can't finish for another week, and two teens at home who will feel lost during school holidays. DP is supportive but really fed up. If I'm not going over to help then its pointless moaning about how guilty I feel, he says. He desperately wants to go on a holiday. Somewhere overseas but not as expensive as travelling 4000 miles away. I get his point but just cannot make myself do it. So we are having a lot of disagreement and unhappiness. I want to travel to see my mom in January when air fares are more reasonable and just cannot holiday now. I am happy for the children and DP to go off holidaying on their own but they say no. SO I'm being a terrible wet blanket. Am I?

OP posts:
username12192 · 19/12/2022 22:40

It depends on why you don't want to go on holiday.

If it's because you feel guilty going on holiday whilst your mother is unwell then I can see why your DP may be a little frustrated, seeing as you are unable to get to her anyway. It could be nice to have a bit of a break away from everything.

However, if it's more to do with your mental state then your DP should be way more understanding. It's hard when you have a loved one who is unwell, and another loved one who is shouldering all the responsibility of it.

LadyLapsang · 19/12/2022 22:53

I think you should prioritise seeing your mum and relieving the pressure on your sibling. Your DP sounds selfish. Is he the father of your children, why will they feel lost in his care?

category12 · 19/12/2022 22:56

It sounds like you really need a holiday.

It seems to me like your guilt over not being able to get to your mum, makes you feel like you'd be doing a bad thing to relax and enjoy yourself a bit - but self-flagellation isn't going to make your mum any better, or it any quicker to get to see her.

As long as you can afford both to go on holiday and travel to see your mum in January, you should go.

AkoraEdelherb · 19/12/2022 22:57

Well, if you can't get time off work for both trips, and/or can't afford them both, the obvious choice for you would be prioritising the January trip to see your mum. I know that's what I'd do.

But does your DP want to go on holiday now? Over Christmas/NY? With 4 adult-sized people in the family, didn't he think to plan it a few months ago, when prices would've been much cheaper?

beccahamlet · 19/12/2022 23:00

Seeing as you're asking for opinions, I think seeing your mum should be the priority. In Jan if the flights are much cheaper then. Can't you have a cheapish holiday with your family as well?

dontknowwhatisbest · 19/12/2022 23:19

That sounds really hard OP.

Being honest, if I was in your sibling's position, if I heard that you had chosen to go on holiday at a time when I was shouldering all the responsibility of a sick parent, I would be beyond pissed off.

category12 · 19/12/2022 23:37

dontknowwhatisbest · 19/12/2022 23:19

That sounds really hard OP.

Being honest, if I was in your sibling's position, if I heard that you had chosen to go on holiday at a time when I was shouldering all the responsibility of a sick parent, I would be beyond pissed off.

That's very true.

But if OP isn't going to get there until January no matter what, there's little point her sitting in the house brooding over i.

I don't think I'd go abroad though.

AzraiL · 19/12/2022 23:46

I think you should go see your mum and give your siblings a bit of a break, OP.

SunflowerTed · 20/12/2022 00:16

dingdongbe · 19/12/2022 12:28

I've had a rough few months. High pressure at work and an elderly mom who lives 4000 miles away who has been sick and in hospital. The guilt of not being able to rush to her side and help her out and support my sibling who has been shouldering all the responsibility has been tormenting me. Its Christmas time now and flights are so expensive it not worth traveling just for 10 days. Mom is much better now and at home now with carers with sibling coming in daily to have an eye. Sibling has also just had an operation and I feel really guilty not being able to be there. Its partly the airfare, partly a lot of commitments at work that I can't finish for another week, and two teens at home who will feel lost during school holidays. DP is supportive but really fed up. If I'm not going over to help then its pointless moaning about how guilty I feel, he says. He desperately wants to go on a holiday. Somewhere overseas but not as expensive as travelling 4000 miles away. I get his point but just cannot make myself do it. So we are having a lot of disagreement and unhappiness. I want to travel to see my mom in January when air fares are more reasonable and just cannot holiday now. I am happy for the children and DP to go off holidaying on their own but they say no. SO I'm being a terrible wet blanket. Am I?

Can’t he go by himself it you’re not up for it? Or with a friend?

Merlott · 20/12/2022 06:18

This doesn't make much sense.

If you can get time off work then of course you should go to see your mum and sibling

DH can have the kids and do whatever he wants with them e.g. take them on holiday if he wants.

It seems so obvious. I wonder what else is going on to make this feel complicated?

KangarooKenny · 20/12/2022 06:54

I agree that you should go and see your mum.
If they choose to not holiday without you it’s their loss. Don’t feel guilty.

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