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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Difficult relationship with FIL - and Christmas coming

22 replies

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 08:04

FIL and I seem to be two people who simply don't get on - but I'm not sure how to deal with it for the next decades. DP and I have been together for 20 years, married for 10 and one DC (8). As I don't have any family anymore, there is only one set of grandparents who are visited regularly, especially on Christmas. And since they live abroad, it's usually a week or so.

I get on very well with MIL and FIL adores DC and DP - but is very indifferent towards me. There is no hostility - he simply ignores me by simply not engaging with me and being very monosyllabic otherwise unless I disagree with him (e.g. about treatment of DC) when he snaps and disappears.

We are quite different: he has his own business, works alone and probably hasn't been challenged (in conversation) by anyone for the last couple of decades - he always got his way and never had to consider others. While I'm reasonably successful (traditional people would usually have high regard for my profession - although I disagree), I have severe mental health problems with anxiety, depression and in particular a very low self-esteem. There is a long history to this, I have treatment and FIL is aware - he was told by DP - but nothing changes.

When trying to be more rational about it, it looks very much like the problems many wives have with their MIL (believing DC could have done better and resenting new partner) - just a male version with less talking and more sulking.

Unfortunately, the problem with mental health is that it doesn't really listen to rational reasoning. I want my DC to have grandparents and don't want to deprive DP of her family - so I agreed to visit at least on Christmas. But it is likely to be difficult: any suggestions or recommendations on how to deal with it?

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 19/12/2022 08:07

You are married yet call your partner DP, and she’s female. Are you male or female as this might affect the answer ?

Hughsrunning · 19/12/2022 08:10

I really sympathise as my family has in law issues. One thing did strike me - if you are in a same sex relationship (not sure if that's the case), could there be underlying homophobia? Which is being taken out on you and not his daughter...

MintJulia · 19/12/2022 08:20

After 20 years, honestly, I think you just have to accept that he's an ignorant, ill mannered, judgemental git and breezily ignore his views and his rudeness.

You don't have to put up with him very often so I wouldn't waste head space on him. It isn't you!

lightisnotwhite · 19/12/2022 08:24

I have severe mental health problems with anxiety, depression and in particular a very low self-esteem. There is a long history to this, I have treatment and FIL is aware - he was told by DP - but nothing changes.

This sounds like you want FIL to “be nice” because you can’t cope. But clearly you can because you have been with your partner 20 years. You’ve done well and it sounds like your family is solid.
His behaviour is clearly annoying you but really it’s not your problem. You can only change your reaction, not him.
Honestly I would ignore him. Chat normally to MIL, DP and your DC and carry on. Does it really matter if he’s having a sulk. I’m sure MIL and your DP are mortified so concentrate on them not him.

hopeisathingwithfeathersx · 19/12/2022 08:27

Yes I think I would go with breezily ignore - try not to be alone with him, try to avoid conflict unless absolutely necessary (if it's dc being out of routine or something ask yourself if it's possible to let it slide for one week. If it's something really unacceptable or dangerous perhaps could your DW deal with it) smile , be pleasant and distantly polite.

I'd be Think about how the Royal family will have to be with Harry at the coronation and try modelling that!

Rest assured that many others will be in a similar position with difficult relatives and it's not you, you don't have to change yourself or take on board his moods. If he's sulking try to rise above it, go out for a walk with the DC, play a game with them etc.

Original poster

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 08:30

Sorry - too new here: DP is female, I'm male - all very old fashioned.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 08:31

hopeisathingwithfeathersx · 19/12/2022 08:27

I'd be Think about how the Royal family will have to be with Harry at the coronation and try modelling that!

Thanks - sounds like a good idea. So I shouldn't try to get a Netflix deal?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2022 08:46

As you’re visiting them for a week, stay in a hotel if you can as then you’ve got some time apart from them. Decide your fil is a grumpy old man before you go and don’t expect anything other than that from him. Make time to go off by yourself as much as you can.

KangarooKenny · 19/12/2022 08:49

Ok, so DP is actually DW !
I think that you go and ignore him back, be polite, but just treat him as he treats you.
‘Or, you don’t go. I personally think children should be at home on Xmas morning, so maybe do alternate year visits.

Original poster

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 09:04

Thank you all - it seems that there is a consensus that making the best of it and ignoring FIL is the way forward. I will try to do so. Any tips how?

OP posts:

MrsSquirrel · 19/12/2022 09:15

Staying in a hotel is a good idea if you can manage it. It made a real difference to our family visits. We usually spend the days together and get some space from each other overnight.

hopeisathingwithfeathersx · 19/12/2022 09:41

How would a typical episode or conflict play out? How does everyone else deal with him?

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 19/12/2022 09:53

Start the day on your terms, I.e being friendly and polite “Good morning FIL” and rather than a question like ‘how are you this morning / did you sleep well?” , make a general ‘nice’ statement like “I hope you had a great nights sleep / looks colder today / I love your power shower” that doesn’t require an answer. It is hard work and demoralising getting answers out of reluctant communicators, so don’t risk your own well being by setting yourself up to fail.

Then address any real topics of conversation to MIL, but include him where it crops up “oh yes you two had a holiday near there didn’t you?”. But don’t expect him to respond.

Don’t take it personally, it’s him. He probably can’t deal with another adult male in the house. The cliche is that women are like that with their kitchens. Also does MIL look after you, relish cooking you a hot breakfast etc? He might resent her attention on you.

Think of him as pathetic (but don’t show it) and get on with having a good time with MIL , your wife and kids.

Only approach Netflix if this goes spectacularly wrong and a flaming Christmas pudding gets launched the length of the table.

Original poster

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 10:16

@hopeisathingwithfeathersx In general it's a mumble along the lines "just wanted to be helpful" and off in a huff and silent treatment.

@DreamingOfAGreenChristmas Thanks - good suggestions. I think that might be a problem - people who are set in their way often don't like it when things are changed (is this age? I seem to start doing this as well ...).

I won't go Netflix, but might write a book and start a Podcast!

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 19/12/2022 10:33

Do grey rock. It's a really easy way of interacting with people you find difficult.
And basically politely ignore him. Stop seeking his approval, or hoping to fix it. It works well enough as it is.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/12/2022 11:15

I’d try and put the mental health out of the picture
as for all you know he might have his own challenges in this domain ?

best approach is to be cool
minimise contact other than civil basics

id also not assume that he thinks you arnt good enough , it might be you simple don’t gel?
maybe you trigger him in some way ?

love the comment abiut no questions or anything that extends the conversation

and breathe , when you feel him say something that angers you try to not react and just breathe through the reaction

ive sometimes kept a diary and I mark their comments down
keep it a game - run a bingo

but the most important thing is to minimise his impact on you , he’s just a grumpy old man

Original poster

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 11:54

Has there ever been a SIL or DIL that was good enough?

OP posts:

MrsSquirrel · 19/12/2022 13:28

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 11:54

Has there ever been a SIL or DIL that was good enough?

It's really common for parents to think SIL or DIL will never be good enough for their perfect child 😉

If you have been together for 20 years, DP obviously thinks you are more than good enough. Hold onto that.

ItsaMetalBand · 19/12/2022 14:32

DH doesn't get along with a couple of my family members so he avoids family occasions where possible. When it's not possible, he tunes out. He plays with the kids of the family or he'll take them all out on a walk or to get sweets. Basically he makes himself scarce with my blessing!
Funnily enough, I see my sisters DH employ the same tactics. He's always nipping out to help his BIL/ Mum or needing to log in to take a call or whatever.
Would any of those work for you?

rwalker · 19/12/2022 14:38

Just be civil

Original poster

Alex122022 · 19/12/2022 15:26

Going for walks sounds like a good idea - there are a few pubs around and once I get back, I probably won't care. But I'm not sure I can do this for an entire week.

I will try to put on my best behaviour and try to ignore FIL ...

OP posts:

Original poster

Alex122022 · 29/12/2022 13:34

Thanks for your advice - following it was an absolute game changer and things actually turned out much better than expected. I decided to treat the situation like I would a rain shower: not getting upset but making the best of it.

OP posts:

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