Ex h is a nightmare

[jtlr]

My ex h and I share 50/50 custody of our daughter. Half the time he's okay but the rest of the time he's absolutely vile towards me.
The messages he sends are horrendous, he is borderline verbally abusive and cruel towards me.
He opted for 50% access to avoid maintenance as he's a high earner - he was doing a couple a of nights week until someone one told him he wouldn't pay maintenance if he had her half of the time. This was a few years ago and the agreement was he now pays half of all commitments - I.e wrap aroun care, hobbies etc.
Every month on pay day he deliberately withholds the money he owes, I have to ask and ask and he uses it as a lever over me. He's just been paid again and is refusing to give me any money which will leave me with nothing
For Christmas.
He's got our daughter at the moment and was meant to be having her tomorrow through the day - the only day I asked him to have her through the holidays - I've sorted the rest with my leave and family. Now he's refusing to have her and is going ballistic with me because I've got plans Wednesday whilst she's is at an activity day with a club she does - apparently I'm a joke of a mum and shouldn't be having a day to myself when he's got her tkmorrow.
This kind of behaviour comes up every so often but it's really getting me down now, I would never stop him seeing my daughter but then I'm subject to this kind of behaviour and it's really not worth the hassle arguing back,
Not really sure why I'm posting as I can't do much. Guess I just wanted to her it off my chest

So he isn't doing 50/50 then?

I would remind him what 50/50 means, it means half of every holiday, half DD costs, half pick up and drop to school, half sick days.

Just message back, this is 50/50 isn't it?

Also message how I spend my 50/50 time not with DD is nothing, do you understand, nothing to do with you.

Can you enlist a professional mediator to highlight the issues to him (texts, not 50/50, withholding of money, changing things last minute)?

I am going through separation at the moment (not abusive texts or anything like what you are dealing with) but his texts spiral my anxiety. The best advice I’ve been given is to disengage with him. No big discussions on text, just a ‘Ok’ ‘fine’ ‘that doesn’t work for me’ - simple sentences that need to be adopted and not warrant discussion.

so for example, the tomorrow day care, just reply “that doesn’t work for me. I suggest you find alternative childcare that doesn’t involve me on your day with her”

Where possible have the discussion over the phone and again, don’t engage. Facts only and be emotionless.

If you can’t afford a mediator (you’d both pay) could you enlist a neutral family member to help?

If he is doing 50/50, can you work it so he pays half childcare to providers of it direct, rather than yourself? Might be easier to not have any money coming from him to you, hopefully he wouldn't let businesses down, would feed and cloth your DD when she's there, pay half of any club fees etc.

Really good idea!

Change DD’s to him, or move responsibility to him.

He's just awful. He apparently had a spreadsheet detailing what holiday we've taken throughout the year. I have had 2 days off which aren't for holidays and he is calling me all sorts despite him taking more days off for himself - he has had a couple of trips alone something haven't done.

If I respond and say this isn't 50/50 I'll just get lots of abuse and probably told to sort it all myself

Re the payments it's for breakfast and after school club - he just wouldn't be organised enough to pay it. I don't think he even has the app. Then my daughter would be left unable to go and I wouldn't do that to her.

She'd be unable to go when she's with him, which will make his life more difficult and is the incentive for him to sort it. If you have a system where he pays you, and you pay others all in turn, that still connects you in future for a long time. Better that you are seen as 2 separate entities by others. If he doesn't pay the services, they don't provide the service for him. You pay them your half direct, so does he. Less need of future communication and makes him have to be responsible otherwise he's cutting off his nose to spite his own face.

Who takes what hols and when, is just getting into unnecessary dialog. If you want to, keep a log of how much time the prior year he has spent with DD. What either of you are up to in between is neither of your concern. Then maybe your solicitor could bill him for the extra time you have done ( plus their fees to do so). If you have a legal agreement of 50/50, that should be what he provides, beyond that, how either of you spend your time is irrelevant.

It's awful OP I know, been there and have had to cut him out of the picture, even if DS had to miss out on certain things sometimes.
I pay his sports club my half directly and they were understanding. My exh had to step up, even if he dragged his feet as is his aggressively passive wont.
These people manipulate us into thinking we'll harm our kids if we won't do the donkey work and it's a lie. Kids can learn how to manage disappointment, which is far more useful than learning that a woman should put her needs aside because a man is being an entitled, immature manchild.
Don't let him make you think you are a bad parent by not making up for his shortcomings, what a massive piece of trickery.
Boundaries above all. No arguing with him by text, ignore any attacks, stick to your guns and keep evidence. If he's not doing 50-50 then you may need proof if ever you go back to court.
So sorry you're going through this but please don't let him get to you. He's the one not being a good parent here.
It shouldn't be about keeping score, that's not what parenting is about. He makes it all about him! Makes my blood boil this kind of crap...totally him-centred and petty. What about his child's welfare??

Get him to pay everything and you give him half. Also as a high earner couldn't you pro rata your share?

The problem with some of these responses is that they don't understand what dealing with a man like this is like. 'Get him to pay it all and you pay him' - there is no way in this world you can get these men to do anything at all.

Cut off every opportunity for him to hurt you/your DS. I no longer give my DC school dinners for example as EX wouldn't pay his share so I told school that my DC only have packed lunches and to bill him for any outstanding school dinners. I've done the same with extracurricular clubs too - mine even had the audacity to have childcare bills sent to me for his weeks. I explained in writing that if he books them in, he pays and how they administrate that is up to them.

Have stock replies ready for him, ignore everything that doesn't need a reply. I don't reply at all to his rants. I see my ex like a toddler getting something off his chest. So 'that isn't the arrangement and I am unable to accommodate it' that kind of thing.

Good luck, it is actually very freeing as it stops you being sent into a spin when you get one of their unreasonable messages.

Stop helping him be a good dad.

You’re doing too much.

I like @Londono‘s advice. Change the narrative. Make it easier for yourself and harder for him.

You're not alone, if that helps.
I'll answer more fully later but I echo most of the advice above.

Hi Op,

I was in a similar situation with my ex. He was just generally making life difficult for the sake of it. I also had the barriage of abusive messages when things didnt go exactly how he wanted.

Honestly get yourself to a mediator. I did it last year after 6 years of crap. Theres government funding which covers pretty much most of the cost. Each parent has to pay £100 for the initial consultation and then the actual mediation is funded up to the ammount of £600 from what I remember, which is more than enough to sort out alot of cases. (I just ended up paying my exs share of the consultation as he would have refused to participate otherwise) But Honestly it was the best £200 Ive ever spent. Worth every penny. The mediator was brilliant and my ex didnt have a leg to stand on when presenting his stupid arguments in front of the mediator. We came to a written agreement, which we both then signed to say we would follow it.

Its changed our relationship completely and we now co parent pretty successfully as we just dont deviate from the agreement.

The agreement isnt legally binding but if they dont then follow the agreement then you can then take them to court.

Hope you get it sorted Op. All the best!