I don't think I can separate

[starbursted]

I know that its already over between me and my DP. I know that the MN advice will be its best for the kids if you cleanly separate when theres no love and no happiness... but the kids beg us to stay together. Of course they would. I just don't understand how you do that to them. I don't think I can. Even if I know its the right thing to do. They're in tears.

it is a terrible situation and I know the terror of ruining my child’s life through leaving his other parent (it didn’t, btw. It actually did turn out much for the better - my son coped incredibly well - I’m two years down the line).

My first reaction is that it is not helpful to let the children feel they have an influence over whether you and your partner stay together. When I separated from my ex, I waited until it was a final decision and told my 8 year old that this had happened, and such and such would be happening. I did not consult him or ask him if he wanted us to stay together. Children have a tendency to blame themselves. It’s so important to ensure children know this is an adult problem and an adult decision and not something that is their fault or that they can somehow fix.

How old are they? Why would it ruin their lives? Is it because one of you will move countries and only see the children twice a year or something?
Try and articulate (to yourself or us) exactly what your fears are. 'Ruin their lives' is too hyperbolic and unhelpful in making a reasoned, sensible decision.💐

I agree with @Rockingchai . The children should have zero input into your separation. They can if old enough decide where to live but not to decide the fate of the relationship between their parents. It's not their place. You need to shut that down pronto because they might end up thinking: we weren't persuasive enough, we didn't try hard enough to keep our parents, we didn't show them how much we wanted them to stay. You need to be the adults here and let the children be children.

Agree with PP - the children should have zero input on whether you stay together. Why is this being discussed with them? What kind of relationship are you modelling? It must be very unsettling for them to know they have parents who want to split but are letting them (the children) have a say in whether or not they do. Some of the most functional people I know are people who grew up in families where the parents were separated but co-parented sensibly and amicably. That could be a very positive model for your children.

The da t your kids are begging you to stay together means that they are fully aware of the shit show of their parents marriage.

OP, this is no life for them.