Husbands

[Mumoftwo92]

Hi,
im really stuck on what to do…
I have two beautiful girls 4 and 1. I went back to work at 10 months with my first but am fortunate enough to not have to go back with my second. Also cost of childcare is too much for two.

i do invoices and other bits for my husbands business but all he goes on about is me doing nothing all day!!
the house is relatively clean, washing is done, kids are happy and fed and cooking always done for when he gets in. I don’t really know what else is expected.
He doesn’t help with children but goes on about how much he does to clients and others on the phone.
I never get a break but apparently it’s not good enough.
Problem is we both feel we do everything. In my eyes all he has to do is get ready go to work then come home.
Im finding we are arguing a lot and I can’t be bothered to fight my corner.
I feel I appreciated, he even forgot my 30th birthday this year. 6 months on still haven’t had a nothing.
I know it’s not about present but thought.
Im unhappy, drained and generally blehhh.

Go away for the weekend or longer and leave him to it. He’ll then appreciate what staying at home ‘doing nothing’ really means.

Thank you, I plan on doing this in the new year.

Stop working for him for free and get a job. Start earning your own money and definitely start making a plan to be single. Your relationship isn't going to make it, in fact it's already over.

Talk to him. You’re in a similar position to me, a 1 year old and 3 year old (they aren’t in childcare and for various reasons it was better one of us was at home). When I first left work, my husband would make little jokes about ‘his money’ etc. when I sat him down and explained how hurtful it was and how much I was sacrificing by not making my own money and putting my career on hold, he changed. It’s taken time but you just need to speak to him. Sometimes men don’t get how insensitive they’re being.

Also, just to add.. I’ve had various difficult jobs and not one has been more relentless (albeit rewarding) as a stay at home mum. Maybe you should also tell him that & I would second those saying you should go away for a few days and see how he gets on!

Go away for a week and let him realise how much you are doing. He sounds AWFUL!

I'd go back to work. He doesn't value your contribution or input at home, so you giving up opportunities for career progression, building a pension pot, having your own income coming in, may bite you in the arse later on.

Suggest you go back to work and ask if he's happy about the childcare costs.

When he says no, ask for his ideas on a possible solution.

There is a lot to do with a 4 and 1 year old, enough for both of you feeling overwelmed by it.
Things will ease when your eldest starts school.
I would look into starting a part time job then.
He is not appreciative of your part of the deal. Surely he has not spent a few hours alone with the children? He should give it a go.

Also MN really taught me: don’t talk about him helping you because that pre-supposes that parenting is your job. He’s a father. When he’s at home, he should be parenting his children. You never get working mums who expect to do anything other than parent when they’re at home. Most working dads know they should be parenting when they’re at home. But just occasionally you get dinosaurs like your DH who seems to think parenting is the mum’s job. He’s wrong.

How infuriating. My dh is the same in regards to dc. It all falls on me. He's never even done a night feed. It's really annoying but he does in his defence realise that this is a job in itself and would never accuse me of doing nothing.

Tell him you're going back to work and he'll need to foot the bill or at least contribute to childcare costs. It's the only way.

Why doesn’t he do any parenting with his own children?

It sounds like everything is your responsibility, you’re just a general skivvy, especially if he forgot your birthday. You certainly aren’t his priority. You deserve more than this.

Go back to work full time and tell him that everything else needs to be split (regardless if you earn less). Suggest you sit down and make a list of jobs and divvy them up.

Do not just go away for a weekend/few days. He'll either just about get by and say 'it was easy' or you'll come home to chaos and he still won't care. Sounds like he's the sort of guy who thinks people who don't earn money aren't worth anything and that household chores are beneath him.

Has he checked out of the relationship, is their possibility of an affair?

I don't think you need to go back to work but instead once every couple of months speak up for yourself and tell him everything you do and more importantly what you have sacrificed by not working.

@Mumoftwo92 Hi. Sounds very difficult for you at the minute and I am very sorry to hear that. I think there is an aspect of this for all of us that is related to the differences between men and women. Men are less able to pick up signs of dissatisfaction which you would think are entirely obvious. Very often we need to hear it spelt out for us. And maybe someone outside of your marriage would be more successful in getting the right results. Is there an older couple, or parents on either side who could act as mentors for you both? Or maybe a mate of his who has learnt the hard way to be more sensitive to his wife; a word in his ear maybe?

In any case, I wish you well in your family and will pray that these issues are resolved and you and your husband come out of this much stronger and more in love than ever.😉

He’s not respecting you if he doesn’t value the contribution you make to the family. If you’ve tried talking to him about how this makes you feel and he’s still being an arse then he obviously doesn’t care much.

I’d look at getting a job and tell him he’ll have to contribute towards paying for childcare. If he doesn’t like that either then you’ll know you’ll never be able to get it right no matter what you do so the relationship is wrong. You deserve to be valued and respected by your partner and the right person would never view your role of Mum, looking after the house and helping with his business admin as ‘doing nothing all day’

The cost of childcare is his problem too, so unless you would be earning less than half of it, that equation doesn't make sense. And don't forget about pension contributions and career progression. Is he making pension contributions on your behalf?
There is another thread here at the moment, a woman saying how the easter break has crippled her and she is so looking forward to going back to work, as its much much easier. And that is the truth. He is taking the piss and claiming something is easy when he has not done it.
Long term a male with this attitude is a very risky basket to put all your eggs in. Go back to work, make him do his 50% of all school/nursery runs and sick days /holidays. Feather your nest, and dont allow him to continue to use you and then berate and belittle you for it.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Thank you very much for your reply.

luckily I very bluntly told him how I was feeling and was ready to leave him.
I think that was a wake up call for him. We still bicker (which I believe to be health) but not to the degree a few months ago.

Just talk to him and explain how you feel but also be prepared for him to have a different view and listen to that too. As for the saying he does more on work calls than he does if he tells a client he does no childcare it’s hardly going to pain him in a good light to keep that client is it!

@Mumoftwo92 Hi. Glad to hear that things have improved since you challenged your husband. I am not familiar with the whole circumstances and I am definitely not a marriage councillor! I do still feel that getting outside help could be really beneficial. An initial chat with a solid, common-sense friend with no axe to grind would be a good start.

Over the years my wife and I have had great input from sensible friends who love and care for both of us, but are not afraid to challenge wrong patterns of behaviour. It is not an easy thing to do, but incredibly beneficial.

I wish you and him and the kids every success in your marriage and family life as the kids get older. 😊

Moonpig cards/gifts and similar - AIBU to think it’s lazy?

It’s my birthday tomorrow and DH is working away until next Saturday but relatively local (that’s another thread!) so can come home a bit if necessary. He came home tonight to celebrate my birthday and fell asleep on the sofa after giving me my moonpig card and chocolates (in the box it arrived in - he clearly trusted his judgment as he hadn’t checked all was correct). The card - ffs, the main photo is me wearing my glasses (rarely wear them as I look like Thelma from scooby doo), the other photos he used in my last birthday card.

I think he’s a lazy shit and if it can be done from the sofa with minimal effort that’s fine.

I plan to have words along the lines of ‘if you can’t be arsed don’t bother’. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but would welcome advice. I’m not precious about my birthday but a thoughtful card would be nice!