Advice on marriage counselling

[Afternoondeelight]

I’m looking into marriage counselling as, quite frankly, my marriage has reached breaking point and I don’t know where to turn.

I can see there is a Relate in our area, as well as a Marriage Care. Has anyone had any experience of the services they offer?

I really struggle with communicating with my husband. It’s all up in my head and then when I try to talk to him about it, it comes out as nonsense. I’m hoping a professional might help us navigate through our problems a little easier although convincing my husband might take some work!

It’s all up in my head and then when I try to talk to him about it, it comes out as nonsense.

Can you give an example?

@Aquamarine1029 I’m always left feeling that I’m overreacting or being too sensitive if that makes sense? When I get upset over something like him not helping out with the kids it will brew in my head and then when it comes to talking about it I feel like he brushes off what I’m saying every time and I’m left feeling like my feelings aren’t valid or that I’m overreacting. Which perhaps I am?

But for example we were out for a family dinner early yesterday evening and I fed the baby (I’m breastfeeding) and then asked him if he would help get the baby to sleep and his reply was ‘I’m not very good at it’ (which he isn’t but only because he hardly ever does it!) and then he carried on drinking while I was left to look after the baby. And it pissed me off all evening but when I brought it up with him he said that he’d held the baby a lot of the evening and helped in other ways and that I’m being a nag.

I’m just feeling very under-valued and over-tired and questioning everything I’m doing and thinking. And hoping that a marriage counsellor can provide some sort of mediation.

He's gaslighting you. Making you feel as though you're the one in the wrong for expecting him to pull his weight as a father. His drinking is also a major issue, correct?

You are not asking for too much, but you are tolerating far too little. If he won't step up you need to get rid. You have one child to care for, you don't need two.

Bang on, I have a massive issue with his drinking too. We used to drink a lot together in the early days of our relationship but since having our first child I rarely drink. So now I’m the boring uptight wife who doesn’t get tipsy any more. His argument is that he doesn’t go to the pub with his mates any more (which he doesn’t) so why can’t he enjoy a few drinks at home etc. But I can’t stand him after he’s had more than 2/3 drinks. I find him boring and irritating.

Doesn’t bode well does it but with two young children I feel like I need to give marriage counselling a try before giving up.

If there's manipulation and gaslighting happening, councilling wouldn't be recommended. People who manipulate will potentially do the same to the councilor. You'll be left feeling misunderstood and ganged up on.

I'd suggest getting therapy for yourself instead. Find someone you can talk things through with. Whos sessions bring you out of the fog.

The behaviour you are describing potentially points to you being in an abusive relationship. That sort want you to feel like you are oversensitive, overreacting and not entitled you own, perfectly justified feelings. Which, is abuse, btw.

They also like to belittle you when you ask for help or even for them to be respectful.

Your feelings are valid and he, is a knob.

We go round in a quarterly cycle where things will get bad and boil over the surface and he’ll recognise that he doesn’t appreciate/value/support me like he should but then nothing comes of it so the feelings build up again. Rinse, repeat.

I have been having CBT sessions for postnatal anxiety that have been really helpful for managing my anxious thoughts and we have touched upon my marriage etc. I will bring it up with my therapist on my next session although I swear she thinks I’m a fruit loop who brings up something new each week!

I know I’m painting him out to be a knob but I don’t think I’m entirely blameless. I do think I have high expectations and when these aren’t met I see it as he is letting me down/doesn’t care etc. He does the majority of the cooking although I feel like I’m made to feel like I should be grateful for that!

CBT is great for giving skills to cope with anxiety but I’m inclined to think you’d be less anxious if you weren’t being gaslit all the time. In those circumstances CBT can feel a bit similar because if you just changed your thinking you’d feel less anxious, when your anxiety is a wholly human response to your situation. In your circumstances I’d try person centred therapy or psychodynamic (which looks at patterns from childhood etc).

Talk to your CBT therapist and see what they say, but do consider changing.

I’d agree couples counselling isn’t the way forward here because the dynamic in your relationship can play out in the therapy relationship and he sounds abusive. You feeling that you’re to blame is part of the manipulation - in that if it’s your fault, you’ll stay and continue to try and fix yourself rather than see his behaviour for what it is.

If you find yourself constantly second guessing yourself, questioning yourself or feeling like you must have misremembered things, it’s not a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships there is no fog, communication both ways is open and clear. That doesn’t sound like what you’re dealing with.

You described my feelings about CBT to a tee!

OP I was where you are 14 years ago. (Although he didn't drink much) I recognise every word and I feel for you so.

I tried counselling and meditation with him and unsurprisingly neither worked. I'd be willing to put money on you being a considerate thoughtful person who is now turning herself inside out to be support and understanding and amenable.

He take advantage of that and turn the screw further if he's anything like my
ExH

Relate/counselling will only really work if you are both being completely honest about your own responsibility for the state of your relationship, and are both open to do whatever is needed to fix it, or to exit it in the best way for you both.

If that's not the case, then it's not going to work.

Joint counselling didn't work for DW and I, because our counsellor wanted to unpick DW's relationship with her mother. DW was not ready or willing to do that at the time, so it was not likely to be successful, so we stopped.

It sounds like you might be better of with further individual counselling, to help you feel more certain about your own expectations and reactions.