Husband and his family.

[Dollymixtureharibo]

Don’t know where to begin.
but I’m broken beyond repair and just need to get it out there. Please be kind because trust me I am my own worst critic and massive over-thinker.
Back in 2013 I married who at the time I thought was my best friend and soulmate. Had met in 2003 and had to amazing children.
Long story short on my wedding day I noticed his mum (who up until about 6 months before the wedding I got on with albeit a little strained) had a right face on her and was basically moaning about my father right in front of me and also throwing looks.
I took it upon myself to speak to my FIL to see what was going on, my brother followed. I was told that I had hurt his family and wasn’t welcome to his family and had made his wife cry, why? Because I didn’t have a bridesmaid of their choice or tradition.
You can imagine the tears and outcome.
It caused an horrid atmosphere.
The next morning my FIL tried to hug me and I stepped away and said I could never forgive him. He retaliated and said the same.
My H and I went away for 4 days and when we got back he was summoned round there where he was told I was not welcome till I apologised.
Other things have happened and has you can imagine it’s caused a massive strain and massive arguments.
My H never asked them to apologise or tell them they had done wrong. I had no contact with them and nor did the children. My eldest heard things said about me.

I have never done anything nasty.

This year has been horrific. My H said at the beginning of the year that he couldn’t deal with me getting angry and upset every time he saw his family, so I said I would change. At this point I was back on speaking terms with his parents. In May his mum showed her true colours again and it set me right back to wanting nothing to do with them.
They see one of my children at least once a week now and also my H.

he has confided in his mother about are marital issues! She told him she just wants him to be happy and the grandchildren.
I have seeked therapy to help me and at his request.
I was told by a therapist that MIL was a narcissist and she had gaslighted me and needed control.
I am now going to the DRs in the new year to get bloods done to check in my hormones and I have also been referred to the mental health team for anxiety and panic attacks.
This again as a peace keeping exercise to try to resolve our issues yet he won’t do anything he won’t talk to his parents.
Today he told me that in the new year he will make the decision on wether he distanced himself from his family to help me or ends it!
he told me to save our marriage I need to accept his family and get on with it yet they appear to dislike so I said what if they want nothing to do with me what then, he said that he would deal with it if that happens.

I can’t win/save this as there are too many obstacles and just feel heartbroken

Sorry this is all jumbled but I’m so lost and the first time ever have hated every moment of Christmas and dread next week as we are away

On my wedding day I had to have my 2 SIL’s as bridesmaids otherwise my narc MIL told DH the family ‘wouldn’t come to the wedding’ Their behaviour was dreadful on the day.

My DH completely has the measure of his family and has always had my back. Sounds like you don’t have this from your DH - does he see the behaviour or is he in denial. We devised strategies to deal with family visits - including getting up and walking out. My DH was always very firm about never leaving the GCs on their own in her presence because of her telling tales about us- other relatives.

Have you suggested therapy for your DH - he’s also a major problem here, trying to please them instead of his own family unit.

He knows they did wrong but his family have form for just sweeping it under the carpet and expect it to go back to normal.
He just now thinks that it should be forgotten and I’ve tried to explain logically since therapy the feelings and reasons for how I behave but he just doesn’t see it. Sweeping it under the carpet.
He won’t do therapy, I’ve asked.
He said he has no patience with the situation and get snarky because he always thinks I’m going to kick off even through I’ve said I’m trying to be reasonable yet he cannot do anything for me without me having to tell him what I want him to do. I can’t tell him what I want him to do as feel this needs to come from him.
im just lost

This sounds really tough OP. My narc MIL has been enabled by FIL so over the years things were swept under the carpet…he would tell us ‘ you have to draw a line under it’ so her shitty behaviour continued.

Like you say how he handles his family is really down to him. With narcs you’re never going to win - you could try grey rock- be perfectly affable and interested in her but don’t tell her anything about you. It gives her less ammo against you. Cut down on visits or minimise the time you spend with her.

I do not have any contact with them this time. They can see 2 of my children when they pick to do so and the other 1 most weeks.
my H thinks he had a perfect/normal up bringing and does not need to seek therapy. Told me I have hurt him with what I have said over the years about his family. He has really hurt me and I have never really told him until last night. However he would have known this with how he has behaved with it all.

When I had NC after the wedding every now and then I’d get texts of the MIL asking to try and move on but no acceptance of being in the wrong. This I now believe was because the children were young and had no mobiles and she wanted to worm her way in.
Now 2 of them are older she can text them to ask to take them shopping or for lunch one more than the other.
My eldest has even confessed that she feels treated emotionally different by them then the one they see regularly, this also has something g to do with the fact that the one they see all the time told them she sometimes finds it difficult at home due to the bickering with her sister and that we all have a go at her (her behaviour can be quite temperamental, yet she gets what ever she wants and is the apple of her fathers eye) They both think my relationship with my eldest is different and stronger yet I’ve tried in the last year to treat the 3 of them equally.) His parents told her she was always welcome to stay with them if it got too much. This Coupled with him confiding in her can only portray me in a dim light so she now no longer likes me as much as I dislike her.
She is the ultimate narc and matriarch of the family. His father is and was actually really lovely before the wedding and I use to have chats with him and one day he told me that he knew she was controlling in an inadvertently way. He dealt the biggest blow on my wedding day with what he said yet I now feel sorry for him as he holds a lot of hurt and pain from the whole situation. He is an over thinker and anxious. A bit like me well actually a lot like me so that’s why I hurt for him.
I wish there was a magic wand for the situation, I married my H because I thought he was the one I would spend my life with, my soulmate and best friend. It hurts because this is slowly turning.

Your husband isn’t on your team at all: he’s on theirs. He thinks you should just accept his mum’s nasty behaviour because it’s what he’s used to and they all accept it. If he can’t get on your team though op, then you shouldn’t stay married

He’s told me he had a perfect upbringing with no trauma.
I agree that he does accept their behave and is on their team but he won’t have it.
Told him we are a family unit and we should be solid without outside influences.
I cannot dislike his MIL, Brother, SIL or FIL as he tells me it always comes up when it’s birthdays or Christmas. It is so frustrating and I just blame myself for having an opinion and being vocal about my feelings.
Mira like they have a hold over him that just gets tighter and tighter the more I logically express my feelings.
I just cannot cope knowing this is the end. I have no idea where I will gain strength from having to let the children know and then them having to split there time and then the involvement the MIL will then have with them will ramp up.

This is awful and I would just pack his bags and tell him to go live with his mother and see how that goes. Can you talk to a friend or family member so you have some support. He is the one who should have your back and support you and seems like they are all nuts to be honest. Let him know you are serious and you cannot continue married life like this where his mother and family are controlling your lives. You should be a strong unit and I would just tell him enough is enough and that you need some time and he can leave. Maybe then he will take you seriously. Can you continue your life like this forever as the stress is awful and nothing wrong with you, they are causing all this anxiety so delete them from your life and you will feel strong again. Horrible vile people that I would not spend time with and if he does not support you then there is no future or it will break you. Sorry you are going through this and please seek support from your own friends or family and do not interact with them as they are awful. He needs to stand up to his mother and tell her to show you respect and that this is the end of the gossiping and putting you down and only then will it stop.

Have spoken to my mum and sister.
He won’t stand up to his mum never has done and never will.
he’s told me so many times that he knows I have had an issue with his mum and never liked her. Not entitled true but I knew to keep her at a distance and had run ins with her before which were not pleasant.

My choices are accept his mum have to face her or be near her at certain things that go on in our life but think it’s too far gone with his emotions and all the double bluffing he has said
Or tell him to go!

Good grief, enough of this already. I would be ending the marriage and moving on. You have one life and you've already wasted years dealing with this toxic bullshit, nevermind being with a husband who refuses to support you.

Fuck that. I'd be done. I'd be finding a solicitor as soon as humanly possible.

Get yourself the perfect holiday gift-a divorce from the cowardly and spineless husband of yours

Hi Dolly that is awful, really feel for you. I would refuse to see them end of and do not mention them at all or visit them and take time to think about your future and try to put a bit of cash aside anytime you can. You do not have to rush anything but just gently planning and make sure you see your family a lot as they love you as that narcissistic behaviour is soul crushing and can really bring you down from his family(speaking from experience) it broke me and never fully recovered as they all gaslight and try to make out we are the made crazy ones. Keep posting for support and ring women's aid also and talk to them when you get the chance. Be kind to yourself also and do not let the bastards get you down. Just think that things will get better and there is a way out and plan your escape if he is not going to change.

So the week away was just about manageable.
I spoke to my friend about what was going on and she was shocked and very supportive.
I felt sad being away as it was really close friends and their children, this won’t be something we can do again as 2 families.
Had mixed messages again from him and to be honest it was just exhausting.
Life just isn’t the same with him anymore and tonight I’m sat at home alone while he has taken the children to his parents. While I get that he needs to have a relationship with his parents I also can not get rid of the feeling that he is just condoning their behaviour.
Going to the DR’s Tuesday to get my self sorted as am mentally not right anymore and need to get my pesky hormones checked to get be back on track.
I’m scared for my future but also know that I cannot keep feeling like this anymore.

He said to me last week that he would feel guilty if his mum dies tomorrow. my best friend said but what if you died tomorrow should he feel guilty? This gave me a reality check as well.
Feeling so overwhelmed