They're saying I'm a narcissist :(

[Chickenburgered]

I've been called a narcissist by two men in my life in recent days. Both times, it has been to do with me setting boundaries. One of these men is my husband.

I'm a narcissist for not wanting to spend time with DHs family who blank my presence (not stopping him though), for expecting him to contribute domestically, for asking him to follow through on the advice of his psychotherapist and seek out an autism assessment (which he is insulted by), for stating my needs and expecting his help with the children and with Christmas. His friends apparently think I'm a "man hater" for being a feminist and expecting men to do their share.

The other man in my life has labelled me a narcissist for siding with a female relative over his argument with her, because he brought me into it and labelled us both "lazy fat bitches." He then told me he was collecting my son to spend some time with him and I said absolutely no chance after what he'd said about me. For this reason, for not allowing him to see my son, I'm a "selfish narcissist."

I'm a narcissist for having boundaries and having certain expectations of respect and equality.

To be honest, it's knocked me sideways. I always try to put my children first, care about other people, given up lots of time and energy to help these men in my life, lots of worry and love over the years and time and commitment. I can't believe they're turning on me the way they have. I'm devasted. I've finally put some boundaries in place to protect myself, my own needs and my mental health and I'm labelled a narcissist. I think I need to cut my husband out of my life too :(

I guess the point of posting is...
Does this happen when women set boundaries? Men turn on us and label us narcissists? I'll be honest, I'm really upset.

Sounds like they’ve just learned a new word to use as an insult and they’re throwing it around Willy nilly because they’re being pulled up on their behaviour.

Unless they are both fully qualified psychiatrists, who are experienced in the diagnosis and treatment of BPD, the word is being used purely as an insult.

You are absolutely right to enforce your boundaries with anyone you encounter. Only you can decide if you want to ditch the husband

The word narcissist has become an overused buzzword recently, an insult for what is perceived as selfish behaviour.

Taking care of your own needs and setting boundaries isn't selfish, it's self care. A world away from pleasing yourself at the expense of other people's needs or wants.

I would be feeling a bit 'meh' at the criticisms these people are throwing at you. You sound self aware, good for you!

Op, I've just had this said to me. I'm not a narcissist and nor, I suspect, are you.
Like you it was said in anger when I was asserting a boundary (I've only recently started to assert boundaries so it is a relatively new thing for me.)

It's really unpleasant but please don't let it stop you setting boundaries. You do sound very self aware...maybe your instincts re. husband are correct but only you can decide this.

If they called you a giraffe, which is clearly not true, you'd think they were mad, and it wouldn't bother you at all. What's different here? They're calling you names like kids in school, and you're having the emotional response of a kid in school who's being bullied. Anyone can call you anything. Sticks and stones...

I think that because they've both said it a couple of weeks apart @Watchkeys, it has bothered me and made me question myself. Then the other half of me knows I am just asserting boundaries and finally standing up for myself by refusing to play happy families with toxic people.

Narcissists don't question themselves.
You sound great and should stick to your boundaries.

They’re holding up a mirror to themselves. Someone once said it to me out of the blue. I’d never been called it before and I’ve never been called it since, and it was because I didn’t want to do something he wanted me to (it was setting up an email account 🙄). I’m not a psychology so I diagnose him as a narc, but he did exhibit a lot of the behaviours associated with them and it took me a long time to recover from that relationship.

made me question myself

Don't question yourself. Nobody who respects you would accuse you of this, and you shouldn't be respecting the opinion of anybody who doesn't respect you. It's just boys calling a girl a nasty name.

You know they're wrong, otherwise you would have been wondering and worrying about this for years. And the fact that you're worrying about it now proves them wrong: narcissists don't worry about being narcissists.

This. It’s thrown around in here when someone is a bit selfish. It’s very rarely used correctly. It’s trendy to throw it around and I’d assume these people are just doing the same.

Along the same note, selfish people only do things for themselves. Kind, emotionally healthy people do things for themselves and others. The 'doing things for yourself' bit isn't negotiable.

It's fashionable now to call someone a narcissist. Ignore them. Used to insult women by calling them feminists or women's libbers.

I feel better today, thank you
It just means I can never assert a boundary, a need, a desire without being narcissistic in the eyes of two men in my family. Like women are supposed to be all subservient and grateful all the time.

I'm saddened and disappointed with them more than anything today. I have no idea how to have a relationship with my husband after this remark.

Saying no to someone with narcisstic traits will escalate their anger ( happened to me). Don't absorb his words.

NPD is rarely diagnosed as narcissists are highly unlikely to get a diagnosis. There is also a difference between NPD and narcisstic traits are different

You have a husband who expects you to spend time with his family who blank your presence, who refuses to contribute domestically, refuses to do his share with the children and with Christmas.

When this is pointed out to him, he resorts to insults (and a ridiculous insult that shows his ignorance).

It doesn't sound as though he pulls his weight or has respect for you and what you do. You would be better off away from the lazy., selfish mysognist.

This and point this out.

Have you asked either man how they expect you to have a relationship with someone who thinks you are a narc?

I mean, if they believed it why would they want you in their life? If they believed it, true or not, why do they think you would want to be in their life?

It just means I can never assert a boundary, a need, a desire without being narcissistic in the eyes of two men in my family

And they can never assert that you're a narcissist without you considering them to be wrong. Nothing about what they're doing says anything about you.

We all need to be away from people who think and speak ill of us.

Seems like you're dealing with misogynists. I mean, how dare you as a woman state your opinion, stand up for yourself, set boundaries etc. You're better off without men like this in your life.

This absolutely.

Its possibly the most overused and misused word in the internet and everyone claims to know one; usually their mother in law.