Partner would rather w*nk in the bathroom than sleep with me

[Namechangeoftheday]

We’ve been together three years, engaged now. The last six months I feel like we have sex less, he disappears into the bathroom with his phone and I know he’s having a wank. I feel like he’s always done this but we had sex much more before so it never really bothered me as we had a good sex life. Now it’s even happening when I’m literally lying in bed on Saturday morning.

I haven’t mentioned it with him yet, our relationship has been great until now but it feels like it’s being eroded now, he’d rather be with his phone than me. Even when it’s not porn, he’s on it constantly. We can’t sit through a film without him searching something on his phone or looking at Facebook. Has anyone had this problem? I’m losing all confidence and thinking of saving up for a boob job because I feel so worthless and unattractive.

Why not save to leave him an find someone who gives more of a crap instead? Someone who doesnt erode your confidence?

I have no issues whatsoever with masturbation but this would be the death knell for me op. If there aren't kids around making it hard to have sex in the daytime I'd be asking him directly why he's doing this and leaving if there was no reasonable explanation

It will never get better. I'm 8 years down the line with 2 kids and my partner has done this for years. Porn addiction is so debilitating and it will erode your self esteem.

Please read 'Your brain on porn'. Really opened my mind to the neurological damage it does, as well as the damage to relasionships.

I'm in too deep as I have children. But seeing as you don't, I would get out now. Mentioning anything to him would be futile. He will make an effort for a week or 2 but will soon revert back to form.

Sounds like it's coming to an end, sorry. He's choosing his phone over you.

Seems that you are incompatible and ending the relationship is probably best for both of you, definitely for you OP.

Oh please. You are going to surgically alter your body so that a man might, might, might , choose you instead of a woman he can see on his phone? Please don’t do this. Partly because you shouldn’t put yourself through this , but also because you have no idea what he’s watching, but I doubt it is just chicks with big boobs.

OK, first things first, are you sure he's having a wank? If I'm taking my phone into the bathroom, it's because I'm having a shit, not a wank.

Secondly, even if he is masturbating, then that's not necessarily anything tomdo with your sex life. Having a wank and having sex fulfil two different urges, in my case at least. So using wanking as the reason that sex isn't happening, may be stopping you from seeing the real reason that sex isn't happening.

There's been a few time in my life that I've gone off sex in my life. Reasons include:-

Work Stress

An occasion where I couldn't get it up due to alcohol making me get inside my own head too much over the next few months

My partner never initiating, leaving me feeling like a sex pest.

Not finding my partner attractive any more (should have ended the relationship sooner)

Illness (first symptom that I should have paid attention to before I got properly ill)

Aside from the last one, none of the above stopped me masturbating. Sex is a conversation, it involves another person and therefore involves you having to engage your brain. Wanking is the equivalent of sitting in front of the TV, it involves no engagement and you can do it when you have no energy for anything else.

Finally, the phone use is a separate issue. Personally, I don't see the issue with being on my phone while watching a film, but if it's a problem, then talk about it, separately from the sex conversation.

Tbh, you don't know that he is masturbating or looking at porn. You have no idea what is going on with his phone. He could be into gaming, gambling, or maybe communicating with another woman.

The only thing that you know with certainty is that there has been a change in the frequency of sex.

You say that you haven't discussed this with him. That is where you should start rather than running with some unfounded notions of porn addiction or physically altering your body.

There is more wrong with this relationship when you are hesitant to have an open discussion with your partner about your sex life. You may or may not have a sex problem, but you definitely have a communication problem.

For God's sake, don't have plastic surgery just to make your partner fancy you! Surgery should be done for YOU, not for anyone else.

You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

This is my life, too.
I'm turned down all the time and he'd rather sit in bed on his phone. I don't think he's watching porn because when I walk in to get something he's just watching random YouTube videos.
When he does want to have sex he'll send me a text from the bedroom asking if I want to 'get into bed' which isn't exactly a romantic invitation. Makes me feel like a walking fleshlight to be honest.
Get out while you can, sorry to say that it won't get better.

Ugh, that’s gross. Please consider leaving him, he’s dysfunctional and this treatment must play havoc with your self worth etc.

Don't have plastic surgery.

Porn aside, smart phone addiction is pernicious and hard to shake off. If you see a future with the guy then talk to him about your concerns and see if things can be improved.

If that's not worth the hassle or not likely to work then you know what to do. People and relationships can adjust and cope with difficult stuff, and should at least consider trying before reaching for the MN nuclear button.