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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those in good relationships - do you discuss contentious issues?

26 replies

DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:13

I’ll start by pointing out that H and I are separated, mostly because of his decision to opt out of the mental/emotional part of raising our autistic children, and any of the appointments and meetings that go on.

He does spend a lot of time in my home (which to be fair we both own), I suspect without that he’d have virtually no relationship with our dc. I generally don’t have a problem with this.

Every so often something will happen that reminds me there’s so much more to the split than his crappy fathering.

This morning I commented on an article I read which referred to people with a uterus rather than women, as soon as I commented he immediately shut it down “no, I’m not commenting on that, I don’t talk about things like that”, I pointed out that it’s normal to discuss stuff that’s going on in the world, he replied that no, it’s not.
It reminds me of all the years we’ve never discussed politics, any world events, anything of interest, and whilst I suspect this isn’t the norm, I’m not sure any more.

He has no interest in anything, never has, no passions, no fun.

OP posts:
IMissVino · 18/12/2022 12:25

We discuss everything, all of the time. We watch the news every night and talk about that, we discuss books, politics, economics, ethical positions.

When people say they don’t talk about any of those things, I’m always intrigued as to what they do chat about. If you erase those things, there’s not much else, is there? Do you just talk about your kids and television all the time? Doesn’t that get unbearably dull?

Anyway, I’m very interested in the responses to this thread!

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2022 12:29

I wouldn't try to discuss anything like that with someone I'm separated from. What is the long term plan? It would be much healthier to start detaching.

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:30

“Doesn’t that get unbearably dull?”

Yes. We talked about the dc, but if I strayed into EHCP stuff or whatever meeting I’d been to, he’d zone out and change the subject. I started to time how long it would take for him to ask if there was chicken in the freezer, or if the car needed petrol. 20 seconds was the longest.
He’d tell me about work. For the last couple of years I gave up and zoned out and ignored him, but he didn’t notice.

OP posts:
Olivetreebutter · 18/12/2022 12:30

As above - we talk about everything, and debate. There are a few topics which might be contentious to us so we might be a bit more delicate - topics which we know have ended in an argument before, for example. But even those we don't avoid, we might just choose more carefully when and where we discuss them.
Both of us have strong opinions on pretty much everything, and are interested in the debate on most things. I just think I'd be bored otherwise!

underthemike · 18/12/2022 12:31

When I've been at the point in relationships when I'm still interested in the person, I definitely want to discuss and talk with them, about any and everything.

When I'm bored of them I couldn't give a monkeys about their opinions or observations. Much rather be on my phone or out with my friends.

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:33

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2022 12:29

I wouldn't try to discuss anything like that with someone I'm separated from. What is the long term plan? It would be much healthier to start detaching.

Yes it would, but I’m not sure how, and I don’t want to hurt him (for someone so emotionally shallow he spends a lot of time being monumentally hurt).

I wasn’t trying to discuss it with him, my comment was an involuntary “fuck that” kind of thing, which he shut down immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:35

Which I suppose leads to me asking how to detach?

Do I stop facilitating his relationship with dc?

OP posts:
IMissVino · 18/12/2022 12:37

DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:35

Which I suppose leads to me asking how to detach?

Do I stop facilitating his relationship with dc?

Well, as a start, stop attempting to engage him in conversation. That bit is done (or never was).

Secondly, why is he over at your home all the time?

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:40

He half owns the house.
His children are here (apart from the youngest they won’t go over to his as they don’t like it).
We fell into a pattern of this happening, and I end up going to see my parents or sister at the weekend whilst he’s with the dc.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2022 12:42

If you feel like the best thing for your DC is for him to come round to see them, that's fine for now, but I would just avoid spending any time with him that isn't necessary to discuss DC. Keep things short.

There is no way to split up that doesn't involve being hurt, so you need to let go of the idea that you have to avoid hurting him. That's not your problem anymore.

It sounds like it's for the best you've split up, now own it. Set some boundaries.

JamSandle · 18/12/2022 12:43

Yes we do.

Ofcourseshecan · 18/12/2022 12:44

DH and I often discuss politics, but since we agree on most things it’s more to give new information than to review our shared opinions. We tend to talk more about things we’ve read on the new, funny items, friends and family, plans we’re making eg holidays etc.

But we like each other! Having to keep seeing your rude and dreary ex so much sounds depressing for you, OP. Can he not take DC out, or have them at his place for visits?

Ofcourseshecan · 18/12/2022 12:47

Cross-posted with your update, OP. Is there really no way he could take DC out? Or you do fun things with friends, as well as family visits.

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:54

He won’t take them out. There’s always a reason why he can’t.

I am happy for him to come here to be with the dc, because the alternative would leave me with no time to do anything else or have any time alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 12:55

In the last year I have started to do more and have fun with family, which had all but stopped.

Maybe this is why I’m more frustrated with him now, because I have more of a life now than I’ve had for over 10 years.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 18/12/2022 12:58

This morning I commented on an article I read which referred to people with a uterus rather than women, as soon as I commented he immediately shut it down “no, I’m not commenting on that, I don’t talk about things like that”, I pointed out that it’s normal to discuss stuff that’s going on in the world, he replied that no, it’s not. It reminds me of all the years we’ve never discussed politics, any world events, anything of interest, and whilst I suspect this isn’t the norm, I’m not sure any more

It isn't the norm.

It's true that some people don't care about politics but a lot of people want to be with someone who has the same values or beliefs as themselves. It's understandable to not talk about these things at work, but with your own partner?? You can't get to that place unless you actually discuss these things first. He comes across as pathologically conflict avoidant.

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 13:00

Which is ironic because two of his children are pathologically demand avoidant 🙄

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/12/2022 14:54

Can you explain why you're asking people in healthy relationships if their relationship is different from your relationship, which is over? Why would you expect their to be similarities? Do you want your non-existant relationship to be similar to healthy relationships? It seems to be a bit like 'Is my satsuma anything like your car?', or equally non sensical comparisons.

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 15:11

Because even at a time when I thought we had a good relationship we still didn’t discuss anything, and I wondered if it was normal for some good relationships to be like this.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/12/2022 16:42

In a good relationship, you feel good about the way the other person treats you, in a consistent way. It's as simple as that. So, if this made you feel good, it was fine for him to do that in your relationship. If it made you feel bad, it wasn't. Doesn't matter what anyone else does or doesn't accept.

Did it feel good?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/12/2022 16:47

Of course we do! We often have lively debates about various things we’ve seen on the news. We sometimes will disagree but we rarely fall out about it and can usually rationalise the other’s way of thinking. We agree on more things than not. I’d hate to be with someone I couldn’t talk about all the things going on in the world with.

Thenose · 18/12/2022 17:08

There are people out there who can't or don't want to talk about any topics in depth, and they can't all be in bad relationships. DH's grandparents didn't appear to talk about anything outside of the everyday minutiae of life - what time dinner would be, the weather etc, and they were very happy with each other for 60 years. So, I suppose what matters is that individuals are evenly matched.

DH and I discuss all kinds of topics. He doesn't mind small talk, but I find it unbearably dull, so I do stop him if he starts talking about household bits and bobs for more than a minute. I'd die of boredom if small talk was all we did.

As someone who is interested in the world, you must have felt incredibly lonely. I hope you have other people you can discuss things with, now.

Original poster
DolphinWars · 18/12/2022 18:43

“Did it feel good?”

For a while, yes. We got on, we were happy.
The more things were difficult with the dc, the more I found I was on my own dealing with it, and the more I became disengaged from the relationship because there really wasn’t any depth or any amount of teamwork, despite him thinking there was.

I know why we split, but every so often something happens that makes me re look at the whole thing and wonder how I was happy with it. I wasn’t abused, but how did I set the bar so low for myself?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 18/12/2022 19:05

I wasn’t abused, but how did I set the bar so low for myself

What were you putting up with in childhood? Addict parent? Ill parent? Overbearing sibling taking all parents' attention? Fighting parents?

Somewhere along the line, you've been conditioned to think that when you feel crap about a relationship, you just need to can it and carry on. You set the bar so low because you're responding to a previous situation, and your coping tools then don't fit the life you want for yourself now. Not your fault, but it is your responsibility to sort it, by only surrounding yourself with people you feel good with, from now on.

Disinterestedx · 18/12/2022 19:08

I do in my relationship, but try not to regularly, especially where I know we’ll disagree, because I know it’ll create a tense atmosphere. We have had some heated and unpleasant arguments, but we’ve learned from them and moved on. I’d always like to be in a relationship where I feel I can speak freely and my partner can too.