Navigating a relationship when someone has severe trauma issues and other factors

[NoFault]

I’m looking for advice. I have severe issues mostly from Trauma so ptsd. I also have ASD and other issues.

I am willing to seek help I’ve started therapy but I’m always conscious of the impact my problems have around me and how some behaviours could be taken the wrong way (eg in the same way an asd toddlers meltdown could be seen as a tantrum from bad behaviour by someone who doesn’t know them for example my fear of being abandoned could be seen as unacceptable jealousy to someone who doesn’t know or understand my background)

Has anyone been in this situation from either perspective? I want to improve things and find the little things that may make a difference. I am 100% committed to improving my relationship but feel bit lost as to how sometimes

Do the therapy then find the relationship. A partner should not be your therapist and regardless of reason, "unacceptable jealousy" is still "unacceptable". People are very unlikely to want to accept extreme behaviours unless they have a saviour complex or issues of their own, in which case it's an unhealthy relationship right from the start.

Are you in a relationship at the moment? If not, start the therapy and heal before you start dating. Your behaviour may be understandable, but it is not acceptable if it hurts someone you love. They don’t have to accept it. My PTSD meant my relationship with my DP and family were strained. I quickly realised I needed help and it wasn’t fair for my DP to be my unpaid therapist. Nowadays, my PTSD doesn’t impact me on a day to day basis and I no longer have anxiety.

Sorry i should have said in my OP I’m already in a relationship and have children so it’s something I need to improve working the situation I’m already in

Yes I suddenly had a realisation I need to have therapy and have a safe space to take and with someone professional to immediately lift that strain off my dp

Your therapist may be willing to offer couples sessions, trauma and relationships are complex. Unacceptable jealousy is as PP stated still unacceptable, but the abusive childhood to abusive relationship pipeline is real and we’ve not heard anything about your partner so I’m not willing to say all the faults are yours to work on, only that couples counselling can help you both navigate things.

That is good. Go for weekly face to face therapy sessions. Be honest and be prepared to make some difficult changes. Remember, don’t use your mental illnesses as an excuse for poor behaviour. You are in control and can change. Good luck.

Have the therapy. My partner is asd and has a tenancy to offload onto me when it gets too much. While I appreciate in a relationship we need to support each other, it can be all consuming at times & I find myself being effected by it.
He's now found a therapist & is finding it's helping him a great deal.
Hope everything goes well for you.

I’ve found it hard but I think what I’m trying to do is look at what society’s idea of a ‘bad behaviour’ is as a baseline and focus on that firstly so I’ll tell myself ‘this trait is not ok’ but then I look at when I do that, why, what the triggers are and look at my past as to what has caused that (whilst still keeping sight of the fact it is wrong and needs to stop but not excusing the behaviour itself but acknowledging it’s not my fault that wrong ‘connection’ has been made). I then discuss this in therapy but I’ve only just started so I think it’ll be a long process

I will think about couples therapy too I felt as though for now what I wanted to do was just something to immediately lift that away from dp and then once I’ve had therapy for a while and then add in couples too

Autism and trauma have a complex and interwoven relationship. Therapy is great and you sound really self-aware, but as you know some things are going to be the nature of being neurodivergent rather than something you can change by examining and exploring them. What is definitely possible is growing in understanding and communication with your partner, and couples therapy with a therapist who understands neurodivergence would be useful. It’s not just up to you to work on your relationship, but for your partner to support you as well, and for both of you to appreciate how the other person’s mind works. Are you recently diagnosed, OP? It can make a difference if you have been living with the assumption all your problems are due to trauma, and have been masking to compensate.

Yes i do this to dp I’ve deliberately chosen therapy further away so that it’s a long journey as I can then walk out my anxiety on the way there and not be talking to him in the car and have the session then get the train home and process it myself so he gets a break from me

Yes it was relatively recently . I thought all my issues were to do with an abusive childhood but it’s looking more likely the abusive childhood was to do with my asd and dm not knowing how to deal with me so she used tactics that were extremely cruel to try to stop me behaving certain ways