Help! How to support DH going full no contact with his parent? Trigger warning CSA

[VioletLemon]

Posted in wrong place earlier
Any advice or reassurance hugely appreciated. Apologies for anxious Post. Keen to hear what others think.

My DH's elderly parent who lives relatively close. Historically, parent has been a bully, pressuring DH into a competitive sport he hated in childhood, criticising him alot, shaming him in front of friends, being explosive and strongly favouring and publicly celebrating other child but never DH.

Worst part is - DH was touched inappropriately often by the other (now late) parent, sexual innuendo, 'jokey style' groping, embarrassing comments through his teen years which I witnessed. He is deeply traumatised by this but being a v practical person just gets on with life and won't go for therapy. After the death DH abstractly mentioned this and parent said they knew but this was "just what * was like".

4 years on and DH's contact with parent has dwindled massively, DH has tried to help with various things but is lectured, feels so angry and resentful that he has said he doesn't want to see parent again, won't answer phone and doesn't care what anyone says. It's been 10 weeks since last visit. Situation is made more difficult by parent being very binary in thought, narcissistic, really difficult and intolerant.

DH wants my support but selfishly I'm feeling ill at things just being left hanging. I keep bringing it up, asking has he called to say one way or other what will happen at Xmas. I can't cope with this aspect of it. I worry DH will regret this. He feels parent will die soon and says he is done with relationship. Really anxious this may not really be what DH really wants, however he has every right to want this toxic parent out his life. I'm worried about extended family contacting us and judging DH. They don't know about CSA by deceased parent, I don't think. BIL does and is supportive of DH and has helped him to come to terms with issues.

I want to do what's right for DH but the just not phoning, visiting with no explanation is eating me up. Its brutal but he was brutalised over a lifetime. Is this what going NC is like?

I have my own CSA issues so maybe don't know how to healthily do this.

So you want your DH to keep in touch with someone who is abusive and toxic, for the sake of keeping up appearances? And you love your husband?

I would thoroughly encourage him to totally cut contact. Are you really saying you think he’ll regret cutting off his enabler parent who allowed the other parent to assault him for his entire childhood? Am I getting that right?

Your DH has finally found acceptance and strength in acknowledging a bullying, abusive, toxic parent after a lifetime of repressing his true feelings.

You support him. You support him by doing whatever he wants with no opinion or judgement. You support him by not treating him like a child who doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. You support him by not burdening him with the weight of your feelings and choices. You support him with love and compassion and re-assure him that you are there for him, and support him in whatever he wants.

And you support him by following his lead and if he wants you to cut contact with that parent, you do so. Don't make this about you and what you think is right - unless you're his therapist, it isn't your place to tell him how to feel and react. You can direct him to a therapist but do so without judgement.

Sounds like DH is doing well but it’s you who is unhappy with the situation. Do you know why that is? Perhaps you would benefit from counselling.

My DH is NC with one of his parents. This is for reasons far less significant than you describe here. I am extremely close to my family so at first it was hard for me to understand that he didn't want to sort out the problems. I realised the relationship was damaging to him and really that's all that matters. If he has taken steps to protect himself then you support that regardless of your own views. But in a situation like you've said here, I can't see why you would even question it. Who cares what anyone else thinks, support your DH!

This. This is exactly what my partner did when I chose to go NC with my parents several years ago. One parent was verbally/emotionally abusive often to extremes, the other was an enabler (who I loved very much), but who chose to support the abuser, and totally blanked me anytime I Tried to bring the subject up with them.
After one bullying session too many I quit. Went NC. Moved house. It was very hard, but was the beginning of my freedom. They're both dead now. When the abusive one died I finally began to stop feeling guilty/useless/stupid/inadequate/a failure/ etc , and am now beginning to recognise my achievements.
This is a lifetime journey I am on - as it will be for your DH. So please stop asking him to make that phone call, discuss Christmas with them or whatever. There is no time limit on making these decisions.

Plus, in my experience, on being driven to make the decision of NC, there are no regrets, Just peace.

Thank you so much taking the time to reply. I see now I'm making it about me, due to my own issues from childhood. I'm going to support my DH to move on however he needs after a life time of repression and v low self esteem. I just needed a little bit of clarity. It's hard to see the obvious sometimes when you've been stuck in the situation and everyone round about seems to reinforce how good/kind/loving these abusive parents were. But they were abusive and enabling. I'm going to seek therapy for both of us to move on.

I think it can be difficult because in-laws become like your own family. So this is stressful for you, especially alongside your own experiences.
It might be that therapy would be helpful for you but not your husband. That needs to be his choice. I have worked on some issues but not others in past therapy because it was too difficult - and that was respected.
I think sadly when family relationships are like you describe there won't be a neat tidy ending when a parent dies, and maybe for your husband choosing a peaceful life now is for the best.

Are you worried you might lose out on an inheritance?

Because I see no other reason you wouldn't support your husband?

But yes, you both need (individual) therapy.

I'm not worried about that and it's not that I'm thinking of not supporting him. I'm just not sure how to. Do I continue to ignore the phonecalls and accept he is actually not going to contact him again. I originally was unsure what to do to best support how my DH did this. After years of tense weekends, DH feeling parent would arrive at any moment, awkward, bizarre interactions, all 1 way traffic during visits, I never understood why he tolerated it after being subjected to so much toxic stuff over the years but he swore blind it was what he wanted and he just hoped parent would soon die. He told me he couldn't go NC as he'd not get over the death that way. So, I've felt confused, also relieved for him but worried he will now never have closure and the large extended family, (who we rarely see) will judge him. I just want to scream at the the toxic bastards brutalised, bullied and abused DH and are not the lovely auntie/uncle they purport.