Would you start a relationship with someone in these circumstances?

[Jinglebellsloth]

I have been seeing to someone for a while who I really like. We have a lot in common and get on well.

They told me they are going through quite a severe mental health crisis at the moment and have a bad history of self harming. (I’ve seen the extensive scars).

I want to stay with them and support them through it. I can see a future for us (as can they). Some of my friends and family have told me to run for the hills and have been shocked that I am not.

What would you do?

I’d run for the hills.

If you are already in a relationship with someone and they develop an illness, it’s different.

But I’d never intentionally put myself in a situation that’s likely to be very, very hard.

No I wouldn't. It's not right to try to get into a relationship with someone who's currently having a MH crisis. They are very vulnerable and need to prioritise their recovery before anything else.

It depends really, scars seem to indicate this is a big and ongoing problem for somebody with incredibly poor coping mechanisms. Not bouts of mild or moderate depression they can manage.

The concern would be that you get sucked in and end up with them leaning on you or you even carrying them. Some people even use mental health issues to excuse their own crappy behaviour, to control their partners or as emotional blackmail to get their own way.

If you want to continue, you will need to be strong enough to help them when needs be but also set incredibly firm boundaries that they will inevitably test. You will need to possibly explain those boundaries and talk very openly about what you are and aren't prepared to do. It may well upset you too, depression isn't contagious but it may as well be, depressed people will bring you down at points, its inevitable. Even if they don't intend to.

Do they want to get better? Do they see a therapist? Hold down a job? Take medication? It's not black and white.

I say all this as somebody who has mental health problems.

This.

100% this

Depends on their diagnosis. If it's a personality disorder or bipolar I really really would not get involved.

I wouldn't. Its really difficult being in a relationship if they begin to have mh problems once you have known them aa long time let alone if you start off knowing this. If you have a family with them, you may end up with someone who isn't able to shoulder any responsibility and then you'll have twice the responsibility yourself.

It's not the right time for a new relationship, let the dust settle then think again when person is well.

All the above.

No I wouldn’t.

For several reasons. The start of a relationship often paves the way. Having one person having the responsibility of ‘supporter’ early on in a relationship makes it unequal.

You have no idea the extent of the issues or what ‘support him’ will look like. If it ends with your needs being ignored to priories his, would that be ok? What if he never gets completely well?

The person with MH issues is vulnerable at this point.

You are far more likely to try and ride out the relationship, even if you know it’s over because of Guilt or obligation. It very much could end up with one or both being trapped.

I think one factor can be your ages.
It’s only my personal experience of course, but I have chronic mental health conditions. End of 20s was honestly only approximately the period where I started to manage with coping mechanisms, I’m 32 now. I should mention maybe that I wasn’t diagnosed until those end of 20s, so that obviously helped. The idea remains the same though : the long history you mentioned he he has would make me wish to want to know more about how early the diagnosis, and what has been put in place since.

MH crisis however, really not the right moment, for so many reasons. The only time it was my case was pre diagnosis and we were already long term before. It honestly would not occur to me to engage if I was so unwell, I would more wish to take a step back to preserve any chance of the relationship having a possibility of working.

I mentioned age not only because it’s mine, but it is unfortunately the case that there is a higher chance of cementing coping mechanisms when younger. It does really still come down a lot to how long ago support started, and what effects it had. Adults with recent diagnoses can also recover just fine as well, I don’t wish at all to give an impression I’m saying otherwise.

But MH crisis, really no. You may choose to keep in touch occasionally but more as an acquaintance.

I'm with someone who goes through depressive stages(no self harm) we have been together over 10 years and have a child. It can be hard work to live with, walking on eggshells a lot and his moods bring me down etc. If the guy you are seeing mental health is severe, I probably wouldn't want to get involved, is this someone you would want children with one day? And is this someone that potentially could be out of work for months/years at a time and it's then down to you to support them financially?

Also agree with this factor I had not thought of, at the risk of seeming selfish!, it helps me personally as I try to navigate relationships, thank you therefore. I don’t usually take leaves unless something really upheals my life (a recent bereavement for instance, but I would say the lines of contributing factors can be blurred in this case in a way).