Attracted to a man who doesn't like me

[Lifeisodd]

I like someone I have worked with for a while. Sometimes we really seem to "click" and have great chats and then other times it seems he dislikes me to the point of picks arguments with me - this I think is probably reflective of his actual feelings. I have no interest in a relationship but the attraction is there...
At least I'm mature enough these days not to pursue someone who doesn't like me. Just mulling it over.

Did you have a relationship with a distant parent or have insecure attachment. Maybe you unconsciously are trying to repair a past relationship and are drawn to people who for some reason remind you of that. I'm glad you don't want to pursue a relationship with this man.

Yes @VioletLemon. After I posted it dawned on this what I talked about in past therapy. I'm not sure I was convinced by the theory but I guess this is it. At least I knew for sure I would not act on an attraction with someone who, at best, blows hot and cold.

Good for you that you see it now.

Yes @MrsTerryPratchett

I guess the work pays off.

Next step - are there actually men out there who are different?...that bit I'm still unconvinced about!

There are men who will be more deserving and now that you see you are deserving you'll maybe feel ready to have high expectations.

The fact he blows hot and cold is not a good sign and he would not make a good partner.

There are good men and I know because I finally have one. However, even with the good ones you need healthy boundaries.

Another one that can vouch for there being good men out there. After a lifetime of emotionally unavailable men ( like my parents) I have a fully present partner who knows he has and shows his feelings. It still needs working at but absolutely no mind games and all the crap that follows with insecurely attached men.

@MrsTerryPratchett and @Dacquoise I second that!

Work can be an intensely sexy environment, especially if the work itself is dull

Its good to hear people have found good partners. Although fully present and emotionally available sounds more daunting than the blowing hot/cold type man!

I suppose boundaries and pace etc help with that.

I sound like I'm young and I most definitely am not. I wonder how many of us spend years before we get this stuff.

I wonder how many of us spend years before we get this stuff.

Better that than stay with the coke head narcissist (just me?) forever. Now I'm much older I'm still unpicking my childhood. Which was less happy than I previously thought!

I'm very happy now though, so I suppose it's all growth.

Better that than stay with the coke head narcissist (just me?) forever. Definitely.

I remember someone saying understanding oneself is a lifetime's work.

A fully present partner doesn't mean intense or overbearing, it's having empathy and awareness of the effect he can have on you with his behaviours and being willing to apologise or adjust. I have found emotionally unavailable people just plough on in their own little bubble regardless of how you feel which eventually wrecks the relationship.

As @MrsTerryPratchett says, it takes a lifetime to unpick a bad childhood and not being able to express or process your emotions is probably the biggest consequence.

I understand what you are saying thanks, and can relate to the behaviours you describe from being married.
I guess it's a healthy adult relationship itself that is daunting compared to the type this man represents. But I definitely have enough insight to know which I want.

I think it is more difficult to find emotionally available partners when you get older. The EA ones are all attached and therefore not dating.

Maybe there will be men with long term relationships that have ended who have done a lot of reflection on what went wrong? Hopeful!!