I’m scared and unsure

[j3ss1996]

Hi all I just need some advice because this is eating me up. my current boyfriend and I have been dating just over 2 months, but have been friends for 6 years, we’ve had little flings in the past so there has always been some sort of romantic connection there it just never developed in the past for various reasons, the main one being I moved 4 hours away.
we got back in touch in the summer after the recently split from an ex and talked on and off until October when we met up and made it official pretty quickly (he even said I love you that night, really fast I know)
fast forward 2 months and suddenly I’m feeling so unsure about whether this is completely right for me. I still live 4 hours away and we see eachother maybe every 3 weeks at best, I have a wonderful time when I’m with him and I don’t get bored of his company, everything feels so easy and natural with him. We’ve talked about me moving back which when I’m there with him I am so up for and even look at houses and jobs with him for us to live in. But when I come back home I start to have doubts and i feel like I’m questioning if I even love him or want to be with him. I don’t understand why and it’s scaring me because I don’t want to be without him. He’s so caring and loving and is everything I wanted from someone. I’m beating myself up about it really. I’ve been independent and single for 5 years before we got together so I don’t know if I’m finding it hard to accept the change in my life or if this really isn’t the right person for me. Although something tells me he is, I’m just not ready to give up on us yet…..

Too much, too soon, and he's love bombing you. You're right to be feeling unsettled. I'd be ending it and moving on.

I wouldn’t be making a big move based on dating for a couple of months. Also having already had patchy dating history doesn’t bode well for the future either

Why is there no talk of him moving your way?

It’s only been 2 months. Put the brakes on a bit. Don’t look too far into the future. I’ve just met someone, been nearly 4wks, I can’t imagine in another 4 making any life changing decisions. I’m just taking it one date at a time and seeing what happens. Don’t take any big decisions for at least 6-12 months in my opinion. Seems he’s going a bit fast. I’ve been single for 10yrs so it’s going to be an adjustment if I’m in a relationship, but he has young kids and I’ve got my teenagers so we won’t be seeing each other all the time either.

Yes, it's very fast to be talking about moving and life changes of that sort, so while you're with him, you're getting swept along, and when you're home, your sensible head has time to catch up. Listen to your sensible head 😃

Brakes on, and see how it goes.

And to expand on my initial comment, I'd be wary of you making all the big sacrifices/commitments - why would you be the one to move, automatically? It's very convenient for him to just slot a new woman into his current life, but you have to give up where you're living, the life you have presently to be with him? 🤔Sounds unbalanced.

He lives in my home town where all my family live aswell so there is more of a reason than just him being there for me to move. I live alone in a city with no support network around me at all, which I haven’t been particularly happy living in for a little while, I am just tied to tenancy agreements etc. It’s just that I feel so much happier and more comfortable when I’m in my home town, and the moment I get back to where I’m currently living I feel awful and isolated x

You’ve been dating for two months but only see each other every three weeks?

Well, if you're unhappy where you are, then certainly plan to move back - but not necessarily to be with him, for yourself.

Since the start of October so not far off three. I’ve been able to go back three times to see him

Maybe think about a middle ground if you want to move back, find work, get your own place but don't live with him.

Say you would rather still date, have other people in your lives and not live together if you do move back. Then the move isn't entirely tied up with him, you can live with a flatmate and develop independent friendships and it will generally be a much healthier move.

I agree with @frozendaisy - can you move back to the place you feel comfortable, then work out whether it's him or the place you want to go back to....

I have married someone I was friends with for probably 8 years before we got together, and it's amazing. We moved really quickly, but less quick than you guys - we saw each other every weekend and sometimes during the week even though he lived a couple of hours away, and we moved in together after about 6 months. But that's being equally invested and knowing it's what we wanted.

It could be amazing but don't rush it - work out if it's him or the place, and if you end up renting somewhere in your home town for 6 months and mostly living at his and then moving in, then (assuming you can afford it) great. But if you're happy there and decide he's not for you, then also great! Is there anything to lose by moving away from the place you're in at the moment? Work?

Thank you for your reply! I’ve heard so many people tell me that if you’re friends for that long then it won’t work romantically…it’s reassuring to know that isnt the case for everyone. Work is the only thing keeping my in this city right now and I look forward to going back whenever I can. I live alone here so when I’m not working I am just sitting in my flat alone waiting to work again. I have no drive, motivation to do anything here. When I’m with him I actually want to get up, go out and explore, have lunch etc. Both him and my family have said how much of a difference there is in my mood between the two places. I’m not ready to give up on this just yet as something in me really tells me not to. He still gives me butterflies when I’m there and he does the simplest things like kiss me goodbye when he goes to work.

If you're that miserable where you are, start applying for jobs back home in the New Year and find yourself somewhere to live there when you get something.

Either that or make yourself a life where you are. Life is too short to spend it miserable and existing only for work.

The bloke is an added bonus if it works out.

Your gut is telling you that something isn't right. Listen to it.

Put the brakes on a bit. Tell him you need things to slow down, you need to spend a LOT more time dating before you seven start thinking about long term plans. Take a long as you need - don't make any plans to move in together or make any commitment to each other until you are both abolsutely certain it's the right thing to do. It would be very unusual for anyone to make a serious decision about commitment after a handful of dates, and it rings alarm bells that he's putting pressure on you.

If he's a decent person who really likes you, he'll respect your need to take much more time, will realise that's sensible and he'll be happy to slow things down.

If he doesn't respect that / if he puts pressure on you to make a decision / if he says 'if you loved me you'd move in today' / if he tries guilt-tripping you, then you'll know you did the right thing and you'll have saved yourself getting in too deep with someone who would have been wrong for you.

IME you never regret taking your time and being certain before important decisions. You usually end up regretting decisions made in haste or under pressure.

Making such decisions after 2 month together (and seeing each other every 3 weeks?) is ridiculously fast by anyone's standards, plus your own gut knows its wrong.

I had people say that to me too. "If it hadn't happened yet, it's for a reason" etc. etc. Mostly those people were jealous for some reason; friends who thought our friendship would suffer if we got together etc. etc. Even my mum said similar and threw lots of reasons at me why it wouldn't work. My best friend though, who knew us both and had seen us together, thought we should give it a go.

We haven't looked back, it's been blissful, a fairy tale if you like. (Not sure how old you are but we're both a bit older, divorced, one child between us, I don't know if that makes a difference as we both knew what we did/didn't want from a relationship).

The other thing about moving back (if you do) but not moving in with him, is that it doesn't put any pressure on the relationship. Don't move in for convenience, move in because you want to. And at the moment you don't sound like you do.

Has he come to see you in these 3 months?