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Original poster

Can you ask someone to change their appearance?

22 replies

Theonlywayisup1 · 17/12/2022 09:20

I feel like a shallow cow even writing this, but I have just started seeing someone, very early days, met OLD. He is gorgeous! However in all of his pics he had short hair and what I’d class as designer stubble. When we met he has longer facial hair and a top knot/man bun. I’m his social media pics I can see this is a look he seems to go to and from, and the pics of him with shorter hair are from this summer. I still think he’s gorgeous and definitely fancy him, just longer hair on guys is less preferable to me than shorter.

he has mentioned to me that he likes my long hair, nice teeth etc and physical attraction is important to both of us. So far he’s super chilled, easy to talk to, has good bants. Would it be horrendous to tell someone you prefer hair a certain way??

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 17/12/2022 09:24

Well I suppose you can offer him a compliment and express your preference that way but no, you cannot ask someone to change their appearance for you.

WandaWonder · 17/12/2022 09:26

If you are ok with being told by him 'I really want you to have your hair up/down whatever' without it sounding controlling you could try

Aureliaaa · 17/12/2022 09:27

I think it's ok to say: I like your hair short. I prefer your hair short or I think you look good or even better with short hair thats the look I like on guys.
You're not forcing him to keep his hair short you are just letting him know. I feel facial and headhair style is not like telling them you want them to be tanned and risk cancer or you only like them a certain weight. I suppose an equivalent is if a guy says I like you in light make up and she loves heavy make up...... you could then state your preference or compliment her on the light make up looks and say nothing about the heavy make up look... I'm just discussing these scenarios because I know once the double standards police wake up they will come along to say stuff like this: if that was a woman posting about her weight or hair blah blah 🙄

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 17/12/2022 09:28

I think it's a bit soon for that conversation from what you say.

Choconut · 17/12/2022 09:31

I would say something like 'I saw your pics from summer with short hair and designer stubble and thought it was really hot' then if he asks if you prefer that say 'I prefer it but it's up to you how you have your hair'.

To me he sounds shallow and not like someone I'd go for at all if he so looks orientated and only compliments you on your looks - because as soon as you get older and start losing them the chances are he'll be looking for a younger model. You learn these lessons by the time you get to my age.....But have fun by all means.

YouWithoutEnd · 17/12/2022 09:33

Can’t you just accept him as the man he is right now that you clearly fancy, and look forward to the fact that he’s going to cut his hair at some point in the future and you get a sexy renewed version of him down the line?

Nousernamesleftatall · 17/12/2022 09:34

No you can't ask that. I can't believe people think it's ok.

Pearls1234 · 17/12/2022 09:36

YABU. Absolutely not OK.

Georgeskitchen · 17/12/2022 09:39

You could say the following: hey, I saw the SM photo with your hair longer/shorter , it really suits you .
He might take the hint 😉😉

mrsbitaly · 17/12/2022 09:40

No I absolutely wouldn't. Imagine if he said the same to you it could be quite hurtful and come across as a bit controlling. I prefer my husband when he's not cut his hair really short but I never say it because it's whatever he feels good looking like and I certainly wouldn't want to make him feel uncomfortable because I have a personal preference.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 17/12/2022 09:42

Hahaha you definitely can, it’s always a good idea to show your red flags early so they can run before getting too invested.

but seriously. No just no.

pictish · 17/12/2022 09:44

Would you be willing to receive a similar comment?

girlmom21 · 17/12/2022 09:46

He's complimenting you as you are. You're suggesting doing the complete opposite.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2022 09:46

Pearls1234 · 17/12/2022 09:36

YABU. Absolutely not OK.

She didn't post in AIBU.

Zanatdy · 17/12/2022 09:48

My new boyfriend has longer hair at the moment than in his profile pic at work and on his what’s app. He mentioned to me he needs to cut it, but then said he might grow it. I am not keen on long hair usually, but who knows maybe I will on him. He’s gorgeous anyway. He said he prefer my hair long, everyone says that and I am keeping it long. So I think I can say I prefer his short!

C1N1C · 17/12/2022 09:49

Wide range if comments here. I don't think it's a problem. Nothing wrong with saying you find a style more appealing, it's his choice whether he does anything about it. This is definitely not the same as weight, natural hair colour, fitness etc... this is a personal preference on something that can be changed on a whim and is absolutely a personal preference.

YouWithoutEnd · 17/12/2022 09:57

I’ve fairly recently done some online dating and found men to be absolutely fascinated by my hair being curly one day and straight the next. Like if I happen to have straight hair in all of my profile pictures, and then turn up to a date with my natural curls in full blown crazy corkscrew mode then some of them are very confused by it.

I think I’ve found a keeper now, and when I had my hair curly he was fascinated and couldn’t stop touching my curls and springing them with his finger. The rest of them seemed to just want to know when I’d next have my hair straight!

Alcemeg · 17/12/2022 10:07

Don't mention it. Just cut off all his hair when he's asleep! 😃

Greenfairydust · 17/12/2022 10:14

What if a man you had just met was to tell you that you need to change your haircut if you want him to really fancy you?

You would dump him immediately for being controlling or focusing too much on your looks and rightly so.

Well, it is the same thing.

Accept him for who he is and try being a bit less shallow...

saraclara · 17/12/2022 10:17

I would say something like 'I saw your pics from summer with short hair and designer stubble and thought it was really hot'

Yep, I'd go something along those lines.

frozendaisy · 17/12/2022 10:18

You can express a preference but can't dictate what he does with his own hair.

Ilovelurchers · 17/12/2022 12:40

Funnily enough, I recently had my hair cut short ( radically different look) and it was partly my partner mentioning how cool he thought my hair looked in old pictures he had seen that made me think about doing it. (I used to have it in this style when I was much younger long before I knew him) . I absolutely love it and am so pleased I did it - and my partner obviously really likes it too, he couldn't stop commenting on it at first, which was really nice.....

I do understand this might sound bad to some people, but it's not that he made me feel I had to do it, or that I was unattractive with longer hair - but it is nice to be especially attractive to the person you are in a sexual relationship with, so I am really pleased he liked it - though I still wouldn't keep it if I thought it looked bad myself.....

You are quite early on in your relationship with this guy but I think it is fine to comment on particular pics of his you found really hot, which also making it clear you find him attractive as he is, and are not trying to pressure him to change his look if he doesn't want to.....

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