Is it possible to love someone but not be attracted to them anymore ?

[IncognitoBaby]

My husband is an amazing man, looks after me, loyal, a brilliant dad but over the past year my feelings have changed. To me the relationship has come to abit of a stand still. We don't really tend to have fun anymore, life is just one big routine which I know is normal when having a child etc but I need excitement which we have spoke about several times in the past but nothing changes. I love him so much but not sure if it is as a friend now? I hate saying it but sometimes when he comes on to me I just don't want sex, and when he kisses me I don't feel anything anymore.. I have got to the point where I often wonder about being on my own but the thought of breaking his heart just stops me, I couldn't bare the thought of hurting him and him not being in my life anymore ...
Has anyone else been in this situation and how did you overcome it ??

I have no advice but I came to say you’re not on your own. A lot of us feel the same

I think it’s very common to be honest. However, it sounds like you have the foundations of a good relationship so maybe with a bit of work (counselling perhaps) to work on how to rebuild your connection etc it could get back there.

I would caveat that by asking if you ever really had the hots for him or did you settle for someone who was “nice” if this is the case and it’s never really been there than that won’t change.

Hi OP, when things just become routine it is easy to disengage. Unfortunately a marriage goes through period like this, where life is just so full that it is hard to carve out time as a couple.

You say that you've spoken to him about wanting some more excitement but are you working together to achieve that? It kind of reads that you have decided this is a problem he has to solve by himself or you will leave him. Apologies if this is an unfair characterisation, but talking is only the beginning of solving issues.

Sounds like you recognise that this man is a positive part of your life so it is something worth trying to save and improve. How about you taking the first step to get some fun back in your relationship given that is what you want?

It's not only possible but so common as to be "normal" in monogamous relationships, and yes, there's plenty you can do about it. You might have heard about spontaneous desire vs responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is the sexual desire you are more likely to get in the early days of a relationship, when you're young or when you're ovulating, and it's obvious. But longer term women tend to move to a "responsive desire" pattern where desire is experienced in response to your partner initiating when you are in the right environment /a good situation, so the overall context of how good you're feeling becomes more important. Eg making sure you won't be interrupted, partner really putting the effort in with helping get everything done that needs to be done for you to be "off duty", giving you a good massage, etc. I think Emily Nagoski was the first person to define these terms and lots had been written about it recently.

Dr Psych Mom (a clinical psychologist specialising in sex and relationships) has some great stuff on this eg

Responsive Desire in Women: If You’re Never In The Mood That’s Normal

What men think about sex versus reality

Your Wife’s Libido Drops In Monogamy… But What If You Turn Into A NEW MAN?

And this video about practical strategies if you are a woman who loves her husband but your libido is in the toilet.

Her podcasts are great - this is a really good one on how men learning to do a proper massage makes a difference!

Hope you find them interesting. I like her attitude as she's very down-to-earth about life with kids.

its very normal. I guess you need to consider do you want to end it, maybe have a chance at happiness again? Or stay until the kids are 18 at least. I have been single over 10yrs, recently met someone and I’d forgotten how it feels to meet someone you fancy so much. I am fine being single, I don’t need a man, I’ve got a good job, my kids are older now. But it’s nice to have a bit of fun again, and it’s taught me life is too short to be unhappy

Maybe a sex therapist might help.hope everything works out for you

I think this is very common. A few weeks into DC, I suddenly realised I see why people get divorced after kids. Good you still love him, that's something at least

DW says it's normal. We've been essentially sexless for ten years, full deadbedroom for two years. So certainly normal for me!

I'm sure we'll separate one way or another in ten years when DC are independent. It's another taboo subject here anyway, at least you have communication.

Thank you so much everyone for your helpful advise! We do still have sex but for me I think I do it cause it makes him happy and it's kind of the thing you have to do in a marriage ... I'm never really in the mood. I do want that happiness again I know it's crazy but when I see people on social media in these happy relationships I am so jealous cause I think I want to be like that. I suppose it doesn't help that we hardly spend a great deal of time together even at night time when DC has gone bed it's more me watching tv on my phone and him on the TV. I hoping that time together over Christmas and new year can put that spark in there.

I know the grass isn't greener on the other side but I do find my self wondering if I would be happier in the future with someone else

Are you in the same situation ??

Wow 10 years is a long time ? Are you happy or just staying for the kids ?

I think patches like this are normal.

But you do have to work on it or your marriage will die.

First thing is talk to your husband. How does he feel about it? Then work on how you can switch up the routine, spend more time together and in your case get more interested in sex - you will have to be gently honest It isn’t working for you in order to improve it.

It’s a lot of effort but divorce is very messy and very expensive so really worth a go, if you feel it can improve.

life is just one big routine which I know is normal when having a child

It's not just normal when raising a child, it's normal anyway. Unless you live in a warzone or live a very gypsy or wealthy lifestyle, most people cannot engineer their environments to be very varied.

but I need excitement - what have you suggested so far? Without that, it sounds like you are expecting him to solve this like a child complaining to their parent.

"Wow 10 years is a long time ? Are you happy or just staying for the kids ?"

I'm staying for me, so I can see DCs everyday. If I left I'd be the NRP and can't afford two households. I would see them EOW at best. Not going to become a Disney dad unless no other option remains.

This is totally how I feel right now.
I love him as a person, but not sexually any more. We have underlying issues though such as him being unfaithful previously, not pulling his weight etc so he most definitely isn't the loyal devoted man that you are insinuating with your dh.
We sleep in separate rooms now as I don't want sex with him and actually we fight a lot less than we used to.
I am not sure what to say to you other than maybe some counselling would be helpful.
We have had some and actually it did help us on areas to focus on, work more as a partnership and understand what were our hard needs within the marriage as if we can't provide each other with those essentials then it makes a sustainable relationship difficult.

I can pretty much guarantee of you were to end your marriage, uproot your family and go after an exciting new man, in two years' time after the limerance phase has ended you will feel exactly the same with the new man. Please read all those Dr Psych Mom links posted above - how you feel is totally normal in a long term relationship, and achieving mutually satisfying intimacy takes a lot more work than it does in the honeymoon stage. That's just biological reality

Not a good relationship at all. I also felt the same about my husband and I, admittedly, didn’t have the hots for him and settled for him as he was nice. I was shy back then and convinced I wouldn’t get anyone else. Big mistake!! The passion wasn’t there and I am the sort of person who can’t be passionate with someone who doesn’t turn me on/excite me etc. It was doomed.
I lived with it for many years because he was ‘nice’ and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I hurt myself though and now regret it. The marriage became sexless for well over a decade. No affection, nothing. I just had no attraction for him in that way.
Crunch point came when I hit menopause and sexual feelings became heightened. I ended up seeking affection etc. elsewhere and discovered the most amazing man who turns on all of my switches. It has made me feel very bitter and sad that I lived in a dead marriage trying to keep it alive. I ended my marriage immediately on realising (and, after I’d gone with the OM). Sadly, the OM was in the same position as me but won’t end his marriage. We are still very close friends and turn each other on but it is doubtful we will ever meet again and rightly so under the circumstances. However, my goodness do we get on well in all areas and this has gone on for years.

Ultimately, I was robbing myself of happiness and it is my biggest regret. Watch ‘Meet Joe Black’ and listen to what Anthony Hopkins says to his ‘daughter’ about her choice of future husband. I wish someone had said that to me.

Yes. It can be tempting to continually seek that thrill/ excitement/ pleasure of a new relationship. That is why some people jump from one relationship to the next and can't settle down.

What you have might just be your norm for a long term relationship.

Have you tried speaking to a therapist? They might be able to help you work some of this out.

It is normal for your libido to take a hit when you have small children. Is it just your DH you don’t fancy or you just don’t really fancy anyone? If Brad Pitt (or insert attract person of choice) offered you a night of passion would you pass it up? If you still love your DH and you have a good marriage otherwise I’d make an appointment to see your GP to explore options for improving your libido.

I married for security after a troubled childhood knowing deep down I didn't really fancy my husband . We were married for twenty years when I think peri probably kicked in and I just couldn't do it anymore so I left . I met someone else six months later who I subsequently married . The attraction is amazing but it has turned out to be quite a toxic marriage. Sometimes the regret I feel at leaving my first marriage is overwhelming but I've made my bed so must lie in it .
Please don't rush into anything even if you do leave . Don't leave your marriage thinking of who else you could meet you have to think about what life would be like on your own and if you'd be happy with that which is what I should have done .