Im working towards estrangement from my family. I have been psychologically distressed and in therapy for about 5 years. The crux of it has been that my DM is very disordered and for my childhood and adult life i was what is known in the therapy world as the family scapegoat. I'd buried this quite deeply and was going through the motions but regularly feeling terrible. Stressed, depressed, self esteem on the floor, people pleasing and endlessly trying to get validation, multiple relationships with dosordered people who i wanted to fix. That sort of thing. My DM would look after my son when i was working for a day and a night a week. Over a period of time he was becoming more and more distressed. She has behaved very oddly with him. Pretending she cant walk and getting him to help her, sitting him on the floor too eat, forcing him to gift stale food to people. He and i both experienced severe 'paranoid' feelings and i felt we both had a psychological condition.
2 years ago my son picked up the extension phone in DM house and over heard a scathing conversation between my DM and my Sister. My step- aunt had sent my son a photo book; he had wriitten a thank you later and she had posted it on facebook with a lot of big noise about it (shes lovely!) My Son was very distressed when he told me what he had heard. They'd said that my aunt was disrespecttful and how dare she post the picture then went on to critisise my parenting. My sister then deleted her facebook in disgust. This was the wake up moment for me that something was very wrong. That a little boy writing a letter to a proud auntie could generate vitriol between my mother and sister. There were subsequent other things, my mother for example would do things like feed my son gluten when he'd been put on a gleten free diet, tell her friends i was not mentally well and she needed to stay with me...i had friend of her contact me and tell me i must let my mother go out and have freedom! (The truth of this one was a conversation where my mum had said her friend had a party on a night that she was baby sitting for me so i could go to meditation class, i had told her, no go to the party, but she kept insiting that i should go to the class and not to worry!) There are so many of these incidents. Hundreds. Anyway. last year i stopped my son having overnights, earlier this year i stopped the baby sitting and in october i took my son on holiday for a week alone and decided i didnt want to see her anymore. Ive eased off the contact. (backed away slowly!) and Christmas ive said to her 'oooo dont worry about us, do your own thing' She kept messaging me a couple of times a week and now its eased off. My mental and emotional health have improved beyond anything ive ever known in this time and my son who has an ECHP has changed to the point that the head teacher has said the way he presents now he wouldnt have had one applied for. We are expected to go there for a meal on the 21st. I packaged up gifts for my sister kids yesterday. The whole day it triggered so much grief in me and all the associated old feelings. Shame that my wrapping paper wasnt good enough, feeling that my gifts would be mocked and sneered at (they mock people as sandard in that house) i wrote 3 letters as i want my son to be able to see his cousins who he loves. I then ended up tearing the letters up and putting them in the bin. I ended up writing atiny card making a joke about crap wrapping paper and royal mail. I dont know what to say? Then on Wednesday facing my DM and step family. My son wants to go there so he can see his friend who lives around the corner. Ive gfot gifts to give them. It just feels heavy. I want to cry. I dont want to share with her what we are doing. Everything i share feels like its not mine anymore and just gossip or information for her to kosh me with in someway. I know i shouldnt go but also my son and i have no family to see over christmas and going through the motions to see this bunch of people seems better than seeing nobody. For my son it feels important that he can feel connected somehow. I dont knw what to do. It makes me feel heavy and depressed and even thinking about them hurts.