Dreading Christmas

[Tiredoftinseltat]

I have one day next week where I have put DS(2) into nursery so I can go to town, get my hair done and have a bit of ‘me time.’ That’s the only day I’m actually looking forward to, and I feel awful about it. I’m very lucky compared to a lot of people.

A few weeks ago I got a virus and felt absolutely terrible with it. It has sort of stayed with me - still coughing and quite a highish temp - but the main thing is how tired I feel. I am in the first trimester of pregnancy too and the exhaustion I feel is like nothing else I’ve known. I’m in bed before 830, so not sure what else I can do.

The problem is that DH just isn’t picking anything up to help - I know we don’t like that word - but during the week I was really ill the dishwasher wasn’t emptied, DS didn’t have clean clothes, it was just chaos. And that does annoy me - I don’t expect a deep clean but I do think some minimal standards could have been kept.

The while of the Christmas holidays are just going to be cleaning up mess, preparing food for DS, cleaning up, meanwhile DH does just come and go as he pleases, I know it’s a cliche but he really does.

I hate feeling resentful as I know it’s toxic but not sure what else to do.

I remember the Xmas holidays with the kids off school was very stressful, not the happy family Xmas that we see on the TV.
Just get through it best you can, and remember that Xmas day is just a day.

Have to spoke to him about it?

Write abstract of jobs that will need doing and together agree who is doing them. E.g. cook dinner, wash clothes (eg load machine, hang clothes, fold laundry), go food shopping, hoover.

Even if you don't mind doing a little more then at least there is visibility.

Fwiw the first trimester is tough. I remember the same with PG 2 and exhaustion. Something I never faced with PG1 or pg3.

@upfucked i do try but I don’t want it to be a barrage of criticism.

The irony is he actually thinks we’re quite equal. I think the truth is he has no idea whatsoever what I do and how exhausted and drained I am by it all.

So you're pregnant and ill and your partner just gets on with his life and expect you to sort out the house and your toddler?

I hate to say it but you have a really big problem. It's not just Christmas.

What does he say when you ask him to do stuff?

Does he ever look after your Dc?

The problem is @Mumdiva99 that creates more work for me, not less. This is the issue I’m faced with every single time I try to catch a break. It doesn’t work, because he needs such specific instructions that by the time I’ve done that I could have done the original thing, gone there and back to shops and probably done something else too.

And in a lot of cases he actually causes me even more work by ‘helping.’

@dontputitthere not very often.

Speak to him about it. And keep going back to bed. There are no school runs so make it unavoidable clear that you are poorly.

And focus on you and the dcs. Don't wash dh' clothes. Frozen pizza for xmas lunch (the dcs won't mind).

Let him fail !

Did he ever live by himself? He can do these things - maybe not to your standards but he certainly can do them - he’s just choosing not to or he knows you will do them.
A frank discussion is needed, it will only get worse and you will end up resenting him if he doesn’t shape up.

How can he think he's equal?

It struck me how much you emphasise your one afternoon child free. I get it. As a parent with a toddler you need to just be a bloody human again.

How much time does he have 'off'?

Thing is by letting him off because he's slow or does a shit job is just perpetuating it.

There must be some things he can do without a 12 point memo. He's an adult.

He has lived by himself but as we all know managing your own things and diet is a lot easier than managing a young child’s. When I lived alone I’d regularly just graze on a bit of toast or cereal for dinner but obviously can’t really do that now.

We had a spate of every weekend being filled with something he was doing, he’d ordered something from eBay that was collection only from the other side of the country, he’d arranged to do his great aunts garden, that sort of thing. Then it died down just as I was getting really sick of it and now it seems to have started up again.

he isn’t a ‘bad man’, but things are tense between us. Partly because we spend no time together - I’m asleep so early, we don’t even properly have time to discuss things.

Men are not less capable of doing housework or caring for children than women. Read that again.

He needs to be trained to do what needs to be done. My DH used to claim he didn't notice/didn't care etc but I just had a go at him about every little thing until he learnt. Now we genuinely do 50% of everything.

Don't let him get away with it and he won't do it.

He is selfish. I was married to one for 30 years. He will not change unless you make it really clear what he is to do and even then it will be hard work. My suggestion would be that you write up the chores that need doing. It is a phaff to do but break it right down. Put realistic times next to them. Sit down with him and discuss it. Agree what he is to do. The next bit is important. You do not pick up the slack. His washing and ironing will of course be on his to do list. He will try to wriggle out of it. He will do jobs but not up to your standard. He will forget. He will moan. Tough. Being pregnant is hard work. Looking after two children is hard work. He needs to step up but because he is selfish he won't unless he has no choice.