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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't trust my own judgment these days

16 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 17/12/2022 02:31

So.

I have been single 3.5 years. Live alone . No complications, had a few short term relationships that frittered out , last one ended and hurt a bit so I decided I would remain single .

I've always stayed in touch with an ex colleague who always made it know they were interested (I think probably just in a fwb type way) but while I am very much single he was not , so I never
Took it further than a coffee to catch up after he left our dept - made it clear it was a friendly catch up as I missed his retirement do.

We used to work together, and we worked together very well. He was the muscle and I was the brains Grin

He has recently sent me a message saying he and his wife have separated, and would I like to meet up . He says they are for now remaining under the same roof but have separate living arrangements, separate lounges and bedrooms and it was a mutually amicable decision. I knew they lived quite separate lives when we worked together (you know how you chat on night shifts and so on - )

Would you agree to a date under those circs ?
I do believe him - he always respected the fact I said no to anything more than friendship because he was in a committed relationship. He flirted but never pressured me . He's a nice bloke , unsure if I'd be wanting anything to develop tbh , but he's kind and funny and attractive (if short Blush)

After two ridiculous dalliances online I vowed off men . Decided to get fat and old and enjoy it ! I'm 50 , he's mid 50s .

Our paths don't cross now we don't work together so it won't be awkward either way .

I suspect he wants something casual .

I dont want to dent my already shite confidence , I've put weight on with HRT , the thought of a date is nice , but I dont want to do anything immoral or lead him on either , as I aren't certain about any of this.

Wwyd.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2022 02:58

I wouldn't agree to anything while he was still in the same house. If you want to do something about the way you look, now is the time to do it so that you're feeling confident about yourself when you start a new relationship.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 17/12/2022 03:02

I scrub up ok. It's not just that .

But yeah I hear you.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 17/12/2022 03:06

Tell him once the house is sold and the dust has settled you’d think about it if you’re still single

minticecreamisjustok · 17/12/2022 03:15

No I'd leave it, wouldn't get involved with a man desperate to cheat on his wife or claiming he's now separated but not moved out. Too complicated for a fling and definitely not a wise relationship option.

category12 · 17/12/2022 07:16

If you believe him (ask around if you have mutual acquaintances), then yeah, go on a date.

Don't invest in it too heavily to start with - maybe he's looking for an easy option for future housing or may get back together with the wife.

But life is short and you've always had an attraction..

Pictograph · 17/12/2022 07:19

I don't see the harm in going on a date with him. Why not? It might be nice! It may be true that he and his wife are separated and living in the same house, my brother is doing this at the moment (for financial reasons). It should become clear if it's not true.

HarvestThyme · 17/12/2022 07:34

As long as you are very clear with yourself thar this man is not relationship material - he has tried to cheat with you in the past - go for it. He has told you that he and his wife split up, and you can freely choose to believe him.. it's perfectly possible.

But this man is a cheater. A liar. Never forget that. Dating and sex - fine. Do not fall for him.

DatingDinosaur · 17/12/2022 09:10

I would go, but I wouldn’t assume it was “a date”.

I’d just assume it was 2 ex-work colleagues meeting for a catch up and probably resign myself to the fact he’d be bending my ear about his separation.

And even if it turns out he was hoping for more now he’s “single” I’d make it clear nothing’s going to be happening just yet because he needs to get his divorce/separation sorted out and spend some time processing that first.

Taylorsversion · 17/12/2022 14:17

Do you want a relationship with a man who would have been happy to cheat on his wife with you, had you not ‘said no to anything more than friendship because he was in a committed relationship’ ?!

You will never know if you can trust this man. And it’s convenient for him that the obstacle to you wanting to try to date him has gone, but the optics of it look the same (I. E he still lives with her in the family home). I’d be cautious.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 14:35

He has recently sent me a message saying he and his wife have separated, and would I like to meet up . He says they are for now remaining under the same roof but have separate living arrangements, separate lounges and bedrooms and it was a mutually amicable decision. I knew they lived quite separate lives when we worked together (you know how you chat on night shifts and so on - )

Would you agree to a date under those circs ?

No.

If it was about seeing you as a friend, he doesn't need to leverage a meeting of the back of the news of his split.

If it was about progressing to a dating situation - would you wanna be his rebound? Be dating a man who's still living in the marital home? You KNOW what PP are going to say about that -the likelihood is he is stringing one (or both) of you along.

If he valued you as a prospective date, he'd sort his shit out before asking you. He's got a fucking cheek really - his marital bed is still warm, but he's asking you out as his next sex interest? I wouldn't want to be his private convenience, ta.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/12/2022 14:37

Pictograph · 17/12/2022 07:19

I don't see the harm in going on a date with him. Why not? It might be nice! It may be true that he and his wife are separated and living in the same house, my brother is doing this at the moment (for financial reasons). It should become clear if it's not true.

Blimey.

So he clicks his fingers & shouts "next!" & OP's meant to be what ... grateful?

He needs to sort his life out before asking OP to potentially become a larger part of it.

ladysystem · 17/12/2022 14:39

No. I'd never date a man who was still living with his ex partner.

Newusernameaug · 17/12/2022 14:53

His current living arrangement wouldn’t actually bother me so much as it’s really tough financially atm, and if I wanted a fun nice date out etc.

however I would be bothered that he’d tried to cheat on his wife with me! It would totally put me off them, as I’d never ever trust them

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2022 14:58

Nah i think I'd leave this one. Especially as you're not feeling too confident in yourself atm. Not a good time to date.

I'd maybe tell him to give you a shout when he'd moved to his own place and the divorce was final. But even then if you end up dating, do your due diligence and make sure he is single before getting too involved.

Panic71 · 18/12/2022 19:22

You are worth so much more than FWB. I’d avoid.

Watchkeys · 18/12/2022 19:57

I wouldn't risk a relationship with anybody who had me posting on a forum, especially not before we were even together. That's the sort of 'throwing yourself in the path of danger' that will prove to you that you don't have your own back, and that's what's wrecking your confidence already.

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