Struggling with sister

[CherryRumSundae]

I have one sister. She started a relationship about three years ago with, in my opinion, a cocklodger. I think he’s manipulative, controlling and self centred and all sorts of other things. They are not married.

I know when people are in relationships they change but I’m at the stage of thinking I don’t want to deal with him so to just not bother with her anymore because I can’t spend time with her without him interfering and he is unpleasant. An example - last weekend he dropped her where I live as she wanted to visit. We spent about eight hours together and in that time he messaged her countless times and called her four. To ask her where she was and what she was doing. When we do anything together (very rare now) it’s the same. Messages and calls asking what are you doing, where are you, when will you be back etc.

Her views on our parents, now they are dying, have changed and she has said she wants some of their estate after spending decades saying she wanted nothing to do with them (they are not very nice). I’ve been there when her partner has been discussing my parents estate and I get the impression he is also seeing pound signs given the comments he makes and him involving himself in something that has nothing to do with him.

Reading this back it sounds petty but it’s the pattern of his behaviour and her reaction to it. My sister says things like he’s good because he sometimes does the dishes. Who thinks that about their partner? He lives rent free in her house, he pays no bills, she pays for his car and even for things like gifts for his ex-partner’s child (he is not the father) and his pet insurance.

She has changed from being a lovely, supportive and intelligent person to someone I don’t recognise. Life isn’t great for me at the moment and as she is the only family I have I don’t want to minimise contact but really I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. I do think he’s isolating her and I think he would love it if I cut contact but if she realises he’s an arse I want to be there for her. Not entirely sure why.

I didn’t want to read and run. She is in an abusive relationship and will need you down the line. Please continue your relationship with her and hopefully you can get her to see how toxic and controlling her partner is.

What’s her relationship history?

Does she have children at home?

Or is she planning for any with this character?

If your parents were emotionally negligent or abusive it’s likely that she has a poor sense of self esteem and boundaries.

She would need support to establish these. Have a read up on abusive / coercive relationship - especially financially controlling and maybe plant seeds and drop questions into conversations - rather than declare he is a financially abusive controlling cocklodger (which he is).

Your gut is right. She will need you - don’t let him isolate her further.

Thank you @Glindara and @Ogham .

You are both right. She doesn’t have much of a relationship history - not sure if that was through choice. No children and none planned.

Parents were emotionally negligent and abusive. I had no contact for more than a decade until I received a letter from my mother last year as my father is (allegedly) dying and she has cancer.

I know I’m stomping my feet and behaving like a toddler but it’s annoyed me that she’s expecting me to bend to him too.

I will read about abusive / coercive relationships though trying, gentry and unobtrusively, to point her in that direction I think will be impossible.

Being an adult is exhausting.