New Relationship, Male Factor Infertility.

[YouWithoutEnd]

Hi all,

Several months ago I ended a long term relationship at the age of 36 as I didn’t want to waste any more of my fertile years in a situation where I was doing all the planning, all the financial heavy lifting, etc. My ex DP was an “it’ll all work out” person, and I’m a planner and I need to know how the finer details will work, it would have all worked out, because I’d have made it work out, but I didn’t want to be the only person working on that! There were other issues but, anyway, that ended.

Knowing at my age I really need to crack on, I got back out there and went on some Bumble dates. I matched with someone that I used to know years and years ago. We went on a date the same day which lasted several days and we’ve very much fallen for each other. It’s all been a total whirlwind but we’ve both been totally candid about our pasts, our presents and the hopes we have for our futures. He’s 40 and was married and that ended while going through marriage counselling to discuss male factor infertility. He had been TTC with his ex for two years, nothing happened, he had SA done on two separate occasions three months apart, and his moderate (but not great) results on his first SA had deteriorated to the point where he was told by the GP that he was incredibly unlikely to conceive naturally due to low motility, a referral was sent for NHS fertility treatment and around the same time they made the decision to end the marriage, both agreeing that it probably wasn’t strong or happy enough to weather the storm of fertility treatment. They are living separately, now going through the process of divorce and selling the house, and I understand his (ex) wife intends to go it alone and use donor sperm. I had considered the same myself if I didn’t meet anyone.

I love this man, and think he’ll be a great father, an equal partner and would like to work out if we’re on a hiding to nothing with us ever being able to give each other a family. I did an AMH blood test from an online company when I was 34 - and got a result of 6.0 which I understood was low for my age. I’m sceptical of the legitimacy of this company as they don’t seem to exist anymore and it was just a few spots of blood sent off on a card, I had to chase and chase for the results.

What would you do? Is there already a huge incompatibility with low motility and low AMH? Shall I just book myself into one of those big fertility companies for a fertility check up (AMH and the Antral Follicle Count ultrasound)? Or do you think we would be unreasonable as a relatively new couple to go for a fertility check up together? Are we destined to end up childless?

It’s most unlike me to get swept up in any kind of whirlwind, I’m normally very stressy and sensible and manage to suck the joy out of everything with my anxiety and planning. But even my most sensible and staid friends are coming out of the woodwork now to say that I deserve this happiness and “when you know, you know!”. I just know that it seems crazy to leave a long relationship over concerns for my waning fertility, only to immediately fall in love with a man who has documented significant fertility problems.

Help?!

Crikey. No advice at all but I really feel for you. Would he consider becoming a dad by using a sperm donor?

If you are serious about it go and see a male factor specialist and also go and get yourself checked out. You could be in for a expensive journey. You’ve met a guy on the same page who you really like. I would say that’s something to hold onto.

I just know that it seems crazy to leave a long relationship over concerns for my waning fertility

Remember you didn't just leave that relationship over fertility concerns. Sounds like there were plenty of other reasons to end it, not least the laissez-faire vs planning approach to life.

I love this man, and think he’ll be a great father, an equal partner and would like to work out if we’re on a hiding to nothing with us ever being able to give each other a family

Would it really be a hiding to nothing? Yes, your aim is to have kids and you should explore all avenues for that to happen, but it would never be guaranteed anyway. What you do have sounds fairly rare. If you weren't able to have kids together, would that really be nothing?

I would go for a fertility check up with a reputable clinic.

Check out different, prices but they're not very expensive.

They are not infallible but much better than nothing.

They'll also give advice given you would be dealing with MFI.

It's also worry having a look at the TTC and infertility forums in here. Full of info and people's experiences.

The most common supplement taken for egg quality is ubiquinone/Q10.

Minerals like zinc, magnesium etc are apparently very important too.

*Ubiquinol

if you can afford it, male factor infertility is the easiest to fix. IVF-ICSI can work wonders - you go straight to the most intense treatment and get it all done in one go. But it is very expensive.

If you've met someone you love that's great.
You can't just throw that away!
What if the next guy you meet is infertile/lies about wanting kids/already has kids and doesn't want anymore etc etc etc.
Find out quickly if you are on the same page and find a diff way to have kids ie IVF or sperm donor.
I do understand how difficult it is but it may not work out if you go down a different path either.

You can do ivf or
sperm donor or lots of things

I know a couple that just had a baby via donor embryo
it was way more straightforward than I’d have thought
if you really like this guy I think it’s worth a go

Another one for valuing the connection and love you have found ❤ that's amazing. Look at your options together but don't get so fixated on having a child that you damage what you have. I know it is a very strong urge but sometimes we don't get everything we want in life . Would it really be so bad if you end up together but childfree?

I'm a solo mum by choice and had my son via IVF and a sperm donor.

You do need to communicate with your partner and agree how far you're willing to go together, it could be a long and expensive journey and may not result in a baby.

Any reputable fertility clinic in the UK would be able to offer a consultation and preliminary tests, following the results you'd be able to reach a more informed decision in how to proceed.

Any questions in terms of IVF and sperm do

*sperm donation, PM me.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your kind replies! I thought everyone was going to tear me a new one for getting so carried away so early on!

What I’ve done for now is order another AMH test via Superdrug (who you’d hope would be using a legit supplier/lab) so I can get that information about my ovarian reserve for myself - depending on those results I’ll see about booking into one of the big fertility clinics for the full MOT.

I will have a general conversation with the new beau about our time frames and see what comes out of that. We had both already said and agreed that if there was any accidental pregnancy (although incredibly unlikely) then essentially we’d be having a baby as neither of us would want to terminate, but we are still taking sensible precautions anyway as it’s all still very new and we are enjoying having such a great time as a couple.

I’ve read a tiny bit about male factor infertility, and it seems like there can be some improvements with supplements and lifestyle so that’s worth looking into, I’m not sure how far down that route he’d gone previously. To his credit he’s very respectful of his ex-wife’s feelings and privacy, whilst being as honest as possible with me.

In terms of whether a child free life would be acceptable if we never managed to conceive, I think it’s a bit early to say, and we haven’t discussed that yet, I’m also not sure of his thoughts on fertility treatment using a sperm donor. Hopefully it will come up during the conversation we’ll have. For me it feels very important to get all of this out on the table early on so that nobody is labouring under false pretences and we both know what our limits are and if those limits are compatible.

I was in this situation mid 30s - new partner with male factor. He got a work up done a few months after we were together and cold was very low - so definitely IVF-ICSE or donor. We got married after 18 months on the understanding that we would try fertility treatment (privately as no time to wait also we were overseas) but - I did accept that we might just never have children. That's something you always have to consider but in this situation - even more so. Several years later we had our one dd. It's impossible to day how things would have gone for us if we hadn't had her - it's easy to say it'll be fine either way - it's another thing to live it. But at least we knew we had tried and done what we could. If your partners count is very low - you are going to need help.

count not cold!!

Dp already had a vasectomy when I met him. Early on we discussed children. He's since had the procedure reversed. However there have been physical and mental complications on his part.
The journey isn't easy, however, I'm quite prepared to accept a childless future if all our attempts on our route to conceive, fail. Dp on the other hand is quite a bit more intense about the situation.

Honestly? I think you're in rebound territory already, and your concerns about fertility have caused you to throw caution to the wind. It's far too early to know if this dude will be a good parent. If he turns out to be a total wanker, you're tied to him for life.

I would massively put the brakes on.

Just another message to say how lovely it is that you have found this special love, and to offer some reassurance on IVF.
We found out that my husband had very low sperm count, low motility, and poor morphology, due to a rare genetic condition. We were advised to go straight to the "big guns," ICSI-IVF. We had two cycles, and both took. The first ended in miscarriage, but the second is our wonderful little boy. I really didn't find the IVF that bad - yes, it is slightly physically unpleasant (giving oneself the injections, going in for the daily ultrasounds) but that period is over quickly. From beginning injections to getting a positive pregnancy test result was only about six weeks, start to finish, so a short time in a life. Emotionally, it would have been far more challenging IF we hadn't ended up with a baby, of course.
So just to say that, if you do decide to go down this path together, there is hope and it might not be as arduous as you imagine.
Enjoy this lovely new love.

I hear you, and I’m mindful of that! We both are!

But what exactly is “rebound” and how does it differ from any other relationship that either did or didn’t work out? Are there specific hallmarks that would differentiate between a rebound relationship and someone happening to meet the right person rather quickly after the last relationship? Is there a test? Or do I still just have to see how things go and if they work out?

We’re not planning to try for a baby or start fertility treatment next week, but we do need to know if we’ve got one year or three years or no years to play with, that’s the crux of my post!

If he has some sperm then there are options like IVF with ICSI. But speaking from experience, infertility can be really difficult on a relationship so it's important that you're on the same page.

Only you can decide whether this relationship is worth it because even with fertility treatment you can't guarantee you'll have a baby at the end.

I hope it all works out for you 💐

The thing with rebound relationships is you are so new out of one, that you're still projecting, comparing, healing and perhaps not as secure as you would be if you had a decent break between partners.

You're more likely to continue on the path of your previous relationship (thinking TTC is the next step) just with a new partner.

You need to date. Get to know him in lots of situations. Have you argued yet? Have you had enough time to get complacent? If not, you really don't know him.

It sounds promising, as promising as any relationship can, but the above it what you need to look out for when you're rebounding. That you don't rush and miss the normal relationship milestones and experiences that could shape your opinions on each other.