Guilt regret inlaw illness

[FishersGate]

This may not be the right board so apologies in advance.

MIL is very unwell in hospital has been for a month. Sudden cancer diagnosis and complications following emergency operation, 79. She's not in HDU or anything but has heart issues prob arising from operation. Fil died many years ago.

Been With DH 26 years two primary aged children. We have very different backgrounds i lost my parents when I was very young.

I have always had tense relationship with MIL, never arguments etc but many times DH has put her first (including issues around our children's births)or accepted her side of things without question.

Obviously DH is under a great deal of strain and he is using me as an emotional punchbag, mainly because mil is also using him as one. However quite a few times he has stated to me he regrets the relationship I had/have with his DM it could have been better, he wishes he could have tried more to understand my point of view however he doesn't believe DM did many things wrong. He stated there are things I have done he feels really angry about and he won't forget them. He has always spoken to mil every day, seen her 5/6 times a week. But he wishes he had done more etc. He doesn't talk to me except for trivial things. He has stated if mil is able to leave hospital he would like her to move in she lives 10 minutes away.

It making for a very unhappy marriage at the moment. More worryingly will we ever get through this especially when something happens to mil.

I am obviously very upset with the things he has said as I feel I am being blamed solely for issues in our wider relationship. He is obviously resentful of me.

I am trying to take it as I understand he has a lot to process and emotionally it is horrendous for him.

But how do I cope and does anyone have any words of advice ?

Suggest that the strain of an unwell MIL won't be fair on your children so it would be best that he move in with DM whilst she needs him and you can concentrate on your kids.

Say you are just not going to become a carer for anyone especially whilst you have dependents.

Stay firm it will be a nightmare if she moves in.

Definitely what frozendaisy says!

I'd do what @frozendaisy said. I just don't get why he's blaming you. That's really unfair. I'd stay busy with the kids when he's with his mother and don't discuss her too much. Just as a formality.

He has always spoken to mil every day, seen her 5/6 times a week.

I like families staying close, but that does seem extreme, OP. Especially compared with He doesn't talk to me except for trivial things.

I also agree with Frozendaisy.

He's being confronted with MIL mortality and given how dependent the little man-child is on her that's taking a great toll. I'd probably cut him a bit of slack on the comments, but maybe that's just me. But wow yes as per PPs, stand mighty firm on her moving in. Sounds like it'd be absolute shit.

What were the issues around the birth, OP?
And what kind of issues would he only accept her side of things with?

It sounds mentally draining. Why would you put up with that?

My son was premature and my DD was being looked after by relatives, instead of going to see her or collect her from relatives at earliest opportunity, my relative had to go work. He wanted to make sure mil saw son first, to me my DD was priority this meant she was sent to another relative.

I had a late miscarriage mil was first person round stated she knew what it was like as she couldn't have children for 10 years. There are many more over the years and the way dh has prioritised her at the wrong time. She can be passive aggressive and unfortunately DH especially now she is ill thinks she has never done any wrong. She has told people I have always been jealous of her.

She's in hospital so dh visiting twice a day which has been stressful, I have a chronic health condition to manage too. In between working children etc. Trying to keep Christmas going for our birthday children

This could go on for months at home too and as selfish as it sounds I don't know if I have the emotional strength to put up with it and all the comes from DH.

I have suggested he talk to his GP perhaps for coping strategies given this is so uncertain I don't know

But i haven't slept and went for a walk at midnight as i cant process some of the things I am being blamed for despite his emotional state

I have said this and he will he said but whilst I understand the relationship with dm surely this would mean the end of our marriage, obviously we have children together and i couldn't imagine putting them last like that even in these circumstances ?

She's never wished me a happy birthday, acknowledged my own background which was dysfunctional, never asked or enquired about my health condition. She can be self absorbed this is said by others too.

DH thinks its due to how i am with her.

I have said this and he will he said but whilst I understand the relationship with dm surely this would mean the end of our marriage, obviously we have children together and i couldn't imagine putting them last like that even in these circumstances ?

I agree with frozendaisy

It may be the end, you're right. It may give you both space though, in a positive way, during what will be even more stressful.

If he's resentful of you and saying hurtful things, it's not a healthy environment for you to live in. Or the kids. I'd also cut him a bit of slack given the circumstances, but that doesn't mean he can continue speaking to you like this.

Jesus, your husband is awful.