Does he just not give a shit?

[StevieNic]

It was the 5th anniversary of our first date today and we 'celebrate' every year by going out for a meal. He knew it was coming up as I reminded him of the date weeks ago and he booked the restaurant, and we've spoken about it the plan multiple times this week.

This morn I gave him my card and he said 'oh you've made me feel bad I thought we weren't doing cards'. He went out to the post office later in the day (where incidentally they have loads of cards) but still didn't bother to get one. We went for our meal and afterwards he asked me to split the bill! He hasn't even given me
a hug or a kiss, or any kind
words.

We had a baby this year and it was a really hard pregnancy and birth. It's just so disappointing that he doesn't seem to care for me at all when I give everything. And no we're not married, he said he wanted to but put off buying a ring. Then when I was pregnant said he'd changed his mind about marriage.

We also went to view a nursery for our son today and he was given the forms to fill out- embarrassingly he asked me
what our sons date of birth was. How can you not remember your own child's dob??

I messaged my sister earlier and just said 'why does he have to make everything shit?'. Just gutted.

He is a shit and is definitely making everything shit for you. I'm afraid that from what you've said, I cannot see your lot improving while he is around. If I were you I'd be making plans for a new life without him in it.

I'd be making a hasty exit plan if I were you. I don't see this relationship progressing any further.

Doesn’t sound like a happy or committed relationship.

@AnneLovesGilbert he talks about the future as if we will be together forever, we bought a house together this year. He seems committed in many ways but then just lets me down.

Not remembering our ds's dob has hit me hard and actually really worried me. His excuse that it was a long labour and he was tired 😕

Has he remembered the last 4 times without reminders?

Stevie, he sounds cold, detached and uninvested. Life with this man will obliterate your self-esteem and peace of mind.

This is a very poor relationship dynamic to model for your son, so I would start formulating an exit plan.

So he has you where he wants you, kid, house bought so he can happily back off marriage.

You split all you get is half house presuming you are in deeds, maybe some child maintenance for a bit but his pension, investments, everything else totally his and safe.

Go back to work.
Don't have anymore kids.
Split all bills, childcare bills and childcare, drop offs, sick days. He can have it equal that means in all it's glory.

Forgetting anniversary card might just be the biggest favour he has ever done for you.

Don't trust him.
Don't let him hold any more than half of the financial power.

Is the house in your name also?

Do you guys really celebrate firsts date aniversary? I can,t even remember what I ate this morning. You went together to restaurant, had a nice meal. What else should he do? The marriage thing is separate . On this incident alone, I think you are overreacting. The dob thing, again you just had a baby, until recently not a routine date do might take a while to remember straight away. Take a step back and pick your battles.

The lack of effort would hurt me too op, especially if celebrating your first date has become a bit of a ritual between the two of you. But from what you’ve described, it seems as though he is either taking you for granted or his heart just isn’t in it anymore. Either way that’s just so hurtful. And forgetting his own son’s date of birth??? I actually cannot believe that a pp said “pick your battles”. Come on. Wtf, how could he forget that??

For me, it seems like it’s everything together. Talk to him, make it clear that he needs to be more invested. But, sadly, if he’s like this now I don’t see things improving. And you deserve much better than this, honestly.

The anniversary thing wouldn't worry me at all. But not knowing his own child's birthday is pretty rubbish. I assume he was there are the time.

My ex can remember our ds' birthday but has only a vague idea how old he is. He's banned from buying cards with ages on because he kept getting them wrong. 🙄

I wouldn't count on your relationship lasting, he doesn't sound terribly interested to me. Sorry

There is a pattern of behaviour becoming clear to you and it doesn't feel like a good relationship. It's great you are courageous and seeing it for what it is, even if it's not what you want to see. If you can get out soon it may save you years of drawn-out misery.

Well, I am usually the first to say LTB on threads, but I'm surprised people are being so radical here.

I decided that so many men not knowing the birthdays of their children means it’s biological in some way. (Yes, I know some blokes are good) I had it when they had to fill in forms for me many, many times. So, give him a pass on that one and just roll with it.

The rest of it sounds like a poor fit.

If i put my dad on the spot snd ask him when is my birthday most likely he will get it wrong or mistake it with my sisters. This means nothing, he loves his children immensly. Yes , pick your battles! Instead of picking on the first date aniversary thing or a memory lapse start planning for your future as you are not married. You don't see the woods from the trees, my opinion.

He installed you in the home, and life, and how you're just furniture.

I (man) love my DC, but do have to do a quick mental check on their year of birth when asked. I have to be reminded about my Mum’s Birthday too, although I admit that’s all pretty shit of me.

I definitely don’t remember the date I met my exW or DP (but also it wasn’t a thing we celebrated annually, so…) and if I’d forgotten to get a card at an earlier point in a day, I don’t think I’d have bought one later. I WOULD have bought flowers to apologise though, if my DP was clearly upset I’d forgotten.

I think the lack of affection at the meal is the biggest problem you’ve listed. Is that a consistent thing lately, and when did it start?

If he usually remembers then perhaps the birth of your child has changed things for him. Ask him outright why he didn’t make any effort this year. The bill splitting thing, this wouldn’t bother me. Why didn’t you treat him? I don’t like the whole women shouldn’t pay etc, but I get that he doesn’t make you feel special. Speak to him about it. It’s natural for things to go a bit stale in the aftermath of a baby, try and get more date nights in if you can, and want to of course.

The DOB, this is odd, I’m sure most people can remember a few dates for the birthdays in their immediate family!

He’s a bag of shit.

It is more than the lack of card or effort, it’s indicative of the fact that he really doesn’t give a shit and now he has you where he wants you, believes he no longer even has to pretend.

Once you were pregnant, he decided he don’t want to bother with marriage. 🚩

He makes no effort for you. 🚩

He doesn’t know his child’s birth date. WTF. 🚩

You're unhappy. You don’t need any more reasons to leave. And I’d encourage you to consider it before your child gets any older. This man will destroy your self worth.

Please tell me you own half that house. I assume you are back at work full time if he asked you to pay half on the meal, and if so, he pays half the childcare costs?

Does he care about other things that involve you? Your health, ask about your parents, how work is or does he act uninterested about everything except himself/his hobbies?

Buying a house 'together' is meaningless unless you are actually on the title, ideally as joint tenants. If you're not officially a co-owner of the property then please don't have more children with him, focus on improving your finances as your relationship sounds risky.

This. Does he even care that he has made you feel like this?
And if he says he does, what has he done about it?

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds rubbish, and he wounds like he is taking you for granted. And whats with the not wanting marriage after baby is born! Surely that should have made him want it more, not less!

Really don't know what to advise, but firstly you need to both sit down and have a serious chat about where you both are in this relationship. He does not seem invested in it at all.

Sorry you are having a tough time.

I have been happily married for 19 years and we don't do anniversaries so it isn't in itself bad news.

Some of the other stuff is a big red flag though.

Sounds like you are nearing the end of the "in love" phase. This is normal. In a committed relationship it should mature into love and respect and shared future.

The advice about getting yourself fully financially sound and expecting equal childcare and household responsibility is good advice.

Marriage is essentially an economic partnership and commitment, which mitigates(but does not remove) the economic disadvantage the child bearer/ main child carer sustains.

He doesn't sound committed. Make sure you plan for that.