How could he act like this??

[unbearablepain]

Long term relationship of 20 years, one teenage DS.

There has been problems (mostly external like bereavements and health challenges), but we still loved each other so much - this was obvious - and were working things out. Or so I thought. It's been a really tough few years. He is 44 and I am 35.

I recently got referred for an urgent CT scan for possible cancer. He was so loving and supportive, he has been really upset. I am really scared as there is definitely something wrong and I waited quite a while to see consultant (kept getting cancelled), who immediately referred for urgent CT. It's next week.

Our relationship had got a bit stagnant, with us just watching tv together mostly apart from one hobby we do together. He lost touch with all his friends a few years ago despite me encouraging him to see them, but started socialising online, gaming online etc about 2 years ago, which I don't mind at all, and made some male friends.

So a few weeks ago we were sitting together and I noticed he had a private message from a female sounding name, I mentioned it, and he said oh I don't know if they are male or female, and he replied to their private message requesting a game and to chat. In front of me.

I said I am not really comfortable with this starting long games with a woman when he is sitting gaming a lot outside our jobs, and we do not do anything together anymore even though our DC is getting older.

He immediately got in the defensive, said I am accusing him of stuff. To be honest, I can be insecure and have accused him unreasonably in the past, but this is in the past.

We are barely speaking now. I asked him to promise me he will work on us, and not reply to woman's private messages. Even after I asked repeatedly, he will not assure me that he won't. He just keeps lying saying he 'never got any private message or replied', even though I was sitting right there watching him reply at the time!!

What is going on here??

To be honest, I feel totally betrayed by this. Not just the lying to my face, but the refusal to reassure me at this time.

I feel like he cares about me, but that is it, I am just a comfortable wifey at home he loves, whilst he wants to toy with speaking to others (he as form for this type of thing when he was much younger, before we even met I must add, NOT with me), and that's why he refuses to assure me he won't private message women on these sites.

I am so hurt and feel like I don't even know him anymore.

Honestly, the hurt is unbearable. I don't even know if I want him at the scan.

I'm struggling, and would appreciate any help.

OP, it sounds like the stress may be making you feel insecure. It’s an online game, he’s probably playing with someone on the other side of the world who he’s never going to meet and is perhaps hurt that you don’t trust him.

The message was hardly ‘private’ if he received and responded to it with you sitting next to him.

I am a bit concerned that you seem to have got together when you were 15 and he was 24 (you say you have been together 20 years) so is there a dynamic of insecurity/power imbalance between you? Are you familiar with attachment style theory?

I think you need to talk to him about your feelings and fears, explaining that you are unsettled by the possibility of cancer, and you really need to feel safe in your relationship right now.
Best of luck with the scan.

I’m sorry, you were 15 and he was 24 when you got together?!! Jesus Christ.

I wish you the best of luck with the scan and hope you get the all clear very soon. I’m afraid I cannot see this man as being a good guy, so I cannot suggest ways to make this work.

Yes, I am really struggling with this.
Please don't focus on the age thing, it really is irrelevant. I was 16 but I lied for the first few months and said I was 18 (can't believe I did that now, he was angry for ages when he found out) , he was 23. I was a teen mum and already had a child when we met who is now an adult, he was living at home with parents. It really isn't what it seems, and the age gap is nothing now.

The woman he private messaged back isn't on the other side of the world, her profile says she is 1 hour away!!

I've heard of attachment theory, and yes I'm probably all kinds of insecure, and we are both avoidant.

I am so hurt and confused. WHY won't he just promise me he won't private message women?? Especially at a time like this. I'm guessing it's because he wants the option?? ): ):

Well, if he’s avoidant there’s your answer. You get needy, he withdraws. The more needy you get, the more he withdraws.

I will try and put myself in his shoes to give you a different perspective.

He’s been doing his best to support you, he’s really worried about you (“He was so loving and supportive, he has been really upset”) and when he tries to relax for a while by playing an online game, he gets accused of cheating. (“To be honest, I can be insecure and have accused him unreasonably in the past”)

Try apologising for your behaviour to him by saying you see his viewpoint (assuming you can) and see what happens then.

It doesn’t sound like he has form for cheating.

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight Thanks for replying. I don't really see his viewpoint tbh. We have never had the type of relationship where we have friends of the opposite sex. He's really old school with tech, and he wasn't on any social media or gaming sites until a couple of years ago. He most certainly would not be okay with me entering into private message chats with a man, so the way I see it is why should I be okay with it? I'm not okay with it. That might sound strange to some people, but it's just how our relationship has been.

I think it's also gaslighting (I think it's called), that he keeps saying that he never received any private message or replied when I was sitting right there at the time!

It's also indicative of another problem in our relationship - if we argue, he will just pretty much stop talking to me for days or even weeks. The longest was 4 weeks, I felt really abandoned and it took months to get over. Then expects everything to go back to normal and nothing gets resolved.

He was working last night and we started messaging again about our child, covid (I have it just now), and general chat, then I brought up the private message thing again and asked why he won't just promise me he won't do it. He told me to go away until I apologise properly. This could go on for weeks.

It's so draining. I have the scan next week and then Christmas and everything is up in the air because he won't communicate.

Me ex started affair with gaming partner much like this. I found messages when he left laptop open, he'd deleted most of it i think but recent message (and link to video chat) were right there. Was glad of the evidence as he had gaslit me about it for months.

OK, you have a serious communication issue here. This episode is just an example of it.

You can’t see his point of view and he can’t see yours and then it’s stalemate.

You need couples counselling.

Tbh I used to play a game online and there was so much cheating and mad stuff that went on, not just younger people and lots of stuff that bled into real life too. Sounds a bit like he is protesting too much.

@Smooshface I'm sorry to hear that. Were there any signs you noticed?

@Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight I know, you are right. We are both quite stubborn and 'fixed' people. He refuses any counselling.

@Msgrieves This is what I'm worried about. That if I hadn't noticed, then they'd still be chatting back and forward and gaming for hours with her now now. Also, that he refuses to promise me he won't enter into private messaging with women online. I can see he hasn't messaged this women back since, I think they had only been messaging for a few days, but it seems like he is not promising that he will not because it's something he wants to be open to do in the future. That worries me.

Tbh with the whole health thing I would try and smooth things over and just keep an eye out. You really don't need more stress. It's highly unlikely to amount to anything.

It all sounds very childish tbh. I think you would both be better off without each other dragging you down.

@unbearablepain sorry only just saw this - he had been secretive and off, then i caught him having sexy video chat, but he claimed it was a cam girl. After trying to reconcile found the chats and he finally came clean. This was someone an hour away too, and they had met because of a mutual friend.

I would not trust that he is messaging a woman so close to where you are. We had been together 20 years too and were in a rut, i would never have thought this would happen to us though.

I would be trying to gather evidence, don't jump to too many conclusions without proof as you'll drive yourself mad.