Am I asking too much?

[Mountainormolehills]

I have name changed for this.
I have 2 children, one with ASD and one with sensory issues. My spouse has ADHD.
I do a lot around the house. I WFH 60-80% of the time, and I do 80% of the cleaning, cooking, tidying up. My spouse works Monday-Wednesday and does clean on their days off. But all of my family don’t put things away after they have used them, so towels on the floor for days, crisp packets not in the bin, basins not washed out etc. If I ask then I get told ‘ok, ok’ and then I have to wait until they decide to pick up/put it away etc. Otherwise I don’t say anything and just do it myself, which makes me resentful. I already do things that I see, such as putting the cushions back on the sofa, grooming the pets etc.
My spouse says I’m asking too much but I’m fed up with asking for help to keep the house basically clean and tidy.

Added to this we are all locked in a battle of trying to get our needs met. My eldest (12) is transitioning into a specialist school and has been very stressed and aggravated. My youngest (10) is fed up with the meltdowns and has retreated into himself and is battling going to school, doing his jobs like feeding the pets x2 week, anything that takes him away from screens.

I feel ignored and only here to provide food, clean clothes and money. My spouse says I am too critical of them all and that I should look at my relationship with my parents as I am carrying that (they never have and never will say well done) but I feel that I try my best. I find my eldest especially hard to manage and I feel that no one listens to me, especially when I’m asking them to do something, whether it be cleaning teeth or putting something away.

I feel so down and a friend of mine commented that I always put myself down. I realised that I don’t feel much self-worth, I feel depressed, unable to cope and told off by my spouse for ‘doing too much’ and to ‘lower my standards’ as I am exhausted from a disability and from working full time. But I find it hard to relax until I have tidied up.

My spouse gets fed up with me when they are out with friends and me and my eldest get in an argument which then turns physical (him hitting me). This happened last night when I asked him to clean something up which I had been asking for days. He repeatedly asked for a reason, which I had already given, but I told him once more. He promised a time when he would do it but he then started refusing again and started manhandling the cat. I took the cat away and he then started grabbing me. I called my spouse as I was frightened, they were not happy and said I needed to handle it myself instead of bothering them. I agree that I need to be able to handle my children but I was exhausted from working long hours and they went out knowing this.

I am far from perfect but I try my best and I feel so ignored and beaten down.

I would love some advice, I feel my family is broken and battling, and I have no idea how to save it or even if I am asking too much of them.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I feel so ignored and beaten down

You are ignoring yourself. That's the thing here that you can actually do something about. You are putting your own feelings aside because you are willing to believe you are at fault, despite the fact that you do so much for everybody, and your needs are perpetually dismissed by them all.

YOU need to stop dismissing your own needs. Work out what you need, and work out how to get it. Don't judge who is wrong or right, just go on your feelings. You're allowed to like/not like whatever you want.

@Watchkeys how though? I want a calm happy home where if a parent asks someone to do something for the family (eg feed the pets, empty the dishwasher etc) that they do it rather than arguing with me or 30 minutes.

My spouse wanted us to keep our cleaner even though she was super slow and not doing what I asked (both of which were stressing me out) and so because I said she needed to go (I also felt it was an expense we didn’t need) I feel like I need to do all the jobs she would have done.

Are there consequences for not doing as you ask? Is there a rota? Have you all sat down and talked sensibly? Why is getting a different cleaner not a good idea? Because you'd be paying someone to lighten your load, you don't respect your need for rest?

Do the kids get pocket money? Tell them that if they don't clean, their pocket money will pay for a cleaner.

@Watchkeys yes a simple rota but I still end up either nagging them to put things away or doing it myself.
Anyway today my spouse was honest and said that they want to leave, it’s not a surprise as I have been feeling unloved and unsupported for a long time.

Can you not see how doing the tasks yourself rather than insisting on respect is a way of being unloving and unsupportive towards yourself?

You need to put your foot down. If they don't tidy up, they're making their own meals. If you find one more towel on the floor, their devices are gone for 24 hours.

You're currently putting them in charge then complaining that they're in charge.

@Watchkeys I really appreciate your input. You are right. The biggest issue is my spouse, they will refuse to tidy up until they are ‘ready’ which can be days later. But as it looks like we are separating that could make things easier.

Your biggest issue is yourself. You need to take responsibility for your own wellbeing. People who cause you problems need to be got rid of from your life.

It's good you're splitting up, it'll be a weight off for you.

@Watchkeys it doesn’t feel like that at the moment, believe me. We’ve weathered illnesses, diagnoses and other issues but it’s taken a toll on us I think.

This is a very late update but I wanted to thank @Watchkeys for all of your support. 2 years later I see how abusive my ex was and that my kids were mirroring her disrespect.
My relationship with both of my children has improved so much and they are tidy and do more around the house. I have much more respect for myself and they see how I value myself.
I am happy and at peace, I have time, money and freedom.
I actually realised that I did 95% of all the cooking and about 80% of the cleaning, as well as the majority of the childcare.
My ex is only interested in what she can get from people, she cheated on me with someone who treats their spouse like she used to treat me - I guess it’s easy to be fun when someone else is shouldering the burden.
I have my kids 60% of the time and the rest of the time I can prioritise me, work, relaxation, friendships. My ex is struggling as she now has to do all her own stuff but she has done this to herself.
I rarely (2-3 times a year) went out with friends whereas she socialised several days a week.
I feel so stupid looking back but so proud of how far I have come.