I have been with my partner just over 4 years now, he has 2 children from a previous relationship (Now 4 & 10), and we now have a child of our own who is 17 months old. When I met my partner, I had lived in a rented 2 bedroom house, had a good job and a small car, he owned a 4 bedroomed house, company car etc. the decision was made after a year together that id move in with him since my home was rented, which I then gave up, and moved in, in the October.
When we discussed rent/bills etc, I said I was happy to pay 50% since I was used to paying for a house on my own, + we’d pay the same amount into a joint account for food/meals out etc. He agreed to this set-up, as did I, however he knew what I earnt, yet never divulged his earnings to me, I stupidly didn’t go through both of our bills/outgoings, which I kick myself for as I had my car payment + insurance, petrol, tax and mobile phone bill, whereas he had a company car, free fuel and a company mobile – All cost free (apart from a higher tax bracket). (He’d brought this house with his ex who was never on the mortgage 4/5 years to meeting me) After some thought about the split between bills and food etc, I realised that 50% wasn’t fair for me to pay, since he had 2 children who both occupy a double bedroom each, and we had them 3- 4 nights per week.
When I approached him about paying more into the joint to cover HIS children’s food, he didn’t seem to be on board or realise the additional costs, and when I suggested the figure of £50 extra per month, he didn’t agree, and then agreed £20 per child extra per month… for 2 kids… for an entire month.
After a bit of time, he upped this payment to £25 each, per month…
From October 2019 – April 2020 I was paying him £500 PM + around £200 into our joint account, and then due to the pandemic, I was then put onto furlough, and due to my job being heavily commissioned, I was earning around 50/60% of my usual wage, this meant I was unable to afford to pay him £500 PM, and had to drop this to £350, however some months I could only afford £300 – I was then made redundant in the September, and attempted to set up my own mini business from home which I did for around 3 months – I used my redundancy pay + my earnings from my business to continue to pay him towards the bills + our joint account + xmas etc.
I will also mention that I have paid for and provided clothing, shoes, underwear etc for both of his children pretty much as soon as we were together, out of my own pocket, and treated them like my own.
I then found out that November 2020 that I was pregnant. We had discussed having a child together from our first date, and had made some loose discussions of trying in 2020, however what with the Pandemic + my job loss etc, it just wasn’t discussed, as we both felt it wouldn’t be wise – however after some dental surgery and several injections, it appeared mother nature had other ideas.
All I can say was that when I told him I was pregnant, it sparked off almost WW3, and was a really bad time when I look back, and suffer a lot of trauma and resentment towards him over how he behaved.
I understood it wasn’t an ideal situation at all, but on the basis I had come into this mans life, accepted him and his children, and became part of the family, provided where I could and helped with his children, that I deserved a better reaction and understanding.
When the dust settled and we got over the initial shock and made the decision to keep the baby, my business had quietened down, and I made the decision to get a job, and kept the pregnancy quiet so I could earn as much money as I could – I still continued to pay my partner £300 - £350 PM + into the joint account. Then in the May 2021, I had to tell the company I was working for I was pregnant, and as a result, my contract was terminated – I was devastated, as the baby wasn’t due until mid-July, and would mean id have no money coming in. I started applying for jobs, concealed my pregnancy and got offered another job… at 37 weeks, I planned to work for 2/3 weeks to earn some extra money and quit, however on the morning of my first date, I couldn’t find a single item of clothing to conceal the bump and had a break down, and admitted what I was doing was stupid, but the pressure to keep providing was the reason I was making myself go through this, I told them I couldn’t start and my partner agreed it was the right thing to do, but didn’t ever try to stop me…
We were kindly given money from both of our parents for the pushchair, cot/next to me/furniture, and my partner paid for some building work in the house to convert a cupboard into a build in wardrobe to our sons room, however it was down to me buy all of his clothes, blankets, bottles, steriliser, muslins, nappies, wipes, bits of bedroom décor, bedding etc. We went half’s on the paint for his room, and painted it jointly - I will also add that at 33 weeks pregnant, I decorated his daughter’s bedroom for her birthday surprise.
My partner brought our son a changing bag and his first jelly cat… and the building work.
Now, whilst I was I earning maternity allowance, I wasn’t able to afford to contribute to him, therefore he continued to pay the household bills, and I paid for my car, phone and our son, and clothing and footwear for his children, and contributed money for good for every too – I did what I could.
I went back to work in April this year, earning about £10k less than what I used to earn – I pay for my own bills still, I also pay over £800 pm for our sons childcare, + everything he needs + 90% of the clothing and footwear for his children + the food shopping.
Whenever there is an issue with my car or it needs to be paid to be fixed, it is my parents that help me and pay – never my partner.
And when I had a £710 bill to fix my car following the MOT recently, the car that drives me and our son around to work, nursery and food shopping for us all – my parents again gave me £500 to help, he offered to help me with the rest, but then didn’t, and then when my parents pulled me to one side and questioned why he doesn’t appear to ever help or look after me or our son, we had a big row about him never helping me, by which he begrudgingly sent the payment to me, and claimed that he has to ‘bail me out’ and it’s not his problem’ and it’s always ‘all on him’ – This man has never given or leant me single penny
I then sent him the money back,
My partner has made various comments about it all being on ‘his shoulders’ and he’s the only one who can and does pay the bills – Yet in my sons 17 months on this planet, apart from Birthday & Christmas presents – My partner has brought our son a pair of converse @ £22… Yet pays his ex CM of £280 PM, and when his children come to us, it’s me that feeds and clothes them whilst not even being given a single penny or helped towards our child.
Since my son was born, he’s never gotten up to feed him in the night, despite me having an emergency section and was in terrible pain, and I then had a brewing infection for 2 weeks which resulted in me going in to hospital for a week with our son, and was quite poorly – his work seemed to be more important and again, his justification was some someone needed to pay the bills.
I will also add that this man isn’t short for money and has been fortunate enough to have been given his inheritance from his Nan whilst she’s still alive.
He does pay for holidays and made a 1st payment of £200 when my son started at his childcare.
He now earns not far off double what I earn, and still has a company car, phone +
free fuel.
What I want to know is if our set-up seems right/fair to anyone who doesn’t know us…?
I’m basically at a point where I’m about to end our relationship due to the fact I just feel so depleted, my son isn’t treated fairly compared to his other 2 children, and I’m sick of feeling like a single parent whilst living in a house with his father, and providing and helping with 2 other children who do not belong to me.
apologies for the very long post, I just wanted to give people a clear idea of what is going on.
Stacy.