Cheating - my friend is a hypocrite & don't know what to say anymore

[Sammi178]

Apologies if this is a long post but I'm at my wits end with my friend and not sure how to handle it anymore.

We've been friends for nearly 15 years so I knew her before she got married to now ex husband. They were married for 10 years and have a shared daughter who is now 9 but 4 at the time of split. Towards the last few years of their marriage there were clearly some problems, I think my friend (after losing quite a considerable amount of weight) had new found confidence and prioritised spending time going out socialising or the gym and they never spent any actual time together. He was left apparently to do most of the household chores and caring for their daughter and he got fed up one day and walked out. Things got worse over the initial first month after as it became apparent my friend had cheated on him on 2 occasions, (this came out after he went to pick up daughter a week later and saw this man in the house whom she had been seeing for the past 3 months in secret).

Anyways, roll on a further few months and her now 'ex' husband was with a new lady in a relationship, so quite soon after and my friend became convinced he had been cheating on her also. I have no idea what the truth is personally but it seems that may well have been the case. Both as bad as each other if you ask me and clearly wasn't meant to be.

However, and this is where my problem is, my friend has made 'being cheated on' her entire personality. It's gotten to the point now where every time I see her, which is usually at least once a fortnight, that she mentions it in some way or another. She will make videos on social media slamming her ex too which makes me feel uncomfortable. I get how hard the change in lifestyle has been for her and I do sympathise, but it's like she's forgotten what she did too, which is cheat! I can't stand double standards at the best of times and it's now beginning to turn into a huge resentment which I just can't seem to shake. I just want to shake her sometimes it's driving me mad. I want her to be happy and try to encourage her to see the positives in her life every time, but she always brings it back around to her ex husband and how he has it so easy, he's taken all the money blah blah. I have no idea what to say to her anymore.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom on this please?

'Look Sandra, this chat is draining the life out of me. Also, you cheated too so if it were me I wouldn't be so quick to rubbish him. I think you need to build a bridge and get over it. Or don't, but I don't want to hear about it anymore as its giving my qrse a sore head'.

She'll probably drop you but that'll be a win win either way.

is anyone really that blunt in real life though?

This.

She's a boring, selfish drain.

Generally no but with someone like her you're probably going to have to be.

If preserving the friendship is important to you - every time you meet her, have a topic or several (unrelated to cheating) ready to go, don't be afraid to ignore what she says about her ex and just change the subject, always have a reason to leave early.

If preserving the friendship isn't important to you but you don't want to be confrontational - quietly distance yourself. Be busy, have prior commitments, reply to messages several days late or not at all. It's horribly easy to realise you haven't seen friends one actually likes in several months so it should be easier to do it deliberately.

Or if you're the straight-talking type just tell her that she doesn't have any moral high ground and to cut it out.

I would encourage you to think hard about what she actually brings to your life. Yes, you have 15 years of history and memories together, but the sunk cost fallacy applies to friendship as well.

She will make videos on social media slamming her ex too which makes me feel uncomfortable

BTW the rest of it is bog-standard "people behave in tiresome and unpleasant ways after a break-up" but this bit is properly batshit.

Just ignore the subject. Like literally go silent. And if she asks why say "you both cheated, it wasn't meant to be"

And then move on to something else.

Grey rock any mention of it until she gets the message.

Suggest "I get that it's important to you to control that narrative but is it not time for a new chapter?"

🖐

@TortugaRumCakeQueen Yep, I can be, in the right circumstances.

OP, am I right in thinking this cheating business went on before they split 5 years ago? Has she been going on about it since then? You must have the patience of a saint!