That awful feeling when you realise youve been fooled..

[kilner]

He love bombed me for a year with gifts and affectionate, without a doubt and I have just realised that over the last year...the second year, he has arrived to my home most weekend with his hands hanging.Not a sweet for me or my kids, nor a bottle of wine or even a bunch of flowers.He never treated me to a night away and a rare dinner or take away was as much as he offered despite a well paying job...but there was always a poor mouth story. I spent the weekends cooking and providing , all for what I thought was love.What an idiot, I was . I did get rid of him though when his sense of entitlement and silent moods got too much and had me nervous around him. I have so much work to do on myself at 45 years of age, I dont know where to start. Any ideas please. I feel bloody foolish and worthless.Dick

I'd start by reading How to do the work by Dr Nicole LaPera. There is an accompanying work book called how to meet yourself which has just come out if you like a more action based approach (I've always found workbooks helpful in putting new knowledge and information into context and embedding)

Follow her or The Secure Relationship on Instagram for more insight

And give yourself a massive pay on the back and a hug for recognising that he was no good for you, don't be too hard on yourself

Best wishes in your journey of self discovery

Don't be hard on yourself. You didn't let him move in, that would have been much worse.

That book is sold out....but thanks for recommendation.I quite like the idea of work books.i'd\ like to find my anger but I dont know how ! i'm very relaxed and placcid but am fuming at myself for being such a people pleaser and giving waaaaaaaay more than I ever received in terms of equal partnership with him. I'M mad with myself but need to channel that.

The fact that you're so willing to see yourself as an idiot, a dick, worthless, is your problem. You don't have to do 'loads of work' on yourself. You need to recognise that many intelligent, smart, sensible people have been fooled by similar behaviours you've been fooled by. You need to recognise that you are a completely normal, average, standard person, with a normal, average, standard set of responses to things, and that the unusual thing here wasn't what you did, it's how you were treated. You need to realise that, in not spotting the signs, you did exactly what anybody with your upbringing and conditioning would have done.

No it isn't sold out. I just bought it on Amazon. I got it for my friend who's having more man trouble, self-inflicted, than I have ever had in my previous 25 years of dating since I was 16.

I don't agree that you have work to do on yourself. You quite clearly recognised his behaviour was poor and it's over. A lesson learned. He took advantage and thought he was onto a good thing. Be thankful that it's at an end. Move on.

Op, the question is what would you do differently next time? I think you need to congratulate yourself for getting rid after a relatively short time here. So many others waste years!

I know for me, id never let a man move in plus I'd check out at the first sign of red flags (being sworn at or bad tempers in my case). Honestly unless this has been a pattern for years in your relationships, you should just dust yourself off and be proud of yourself for getting through it.

You don’t need to be mad at yourself OP, you just need to learn from it. You know what you don’t want in a man now, what behaviour you won’t accept again, and you know not to make things so easy for the next guy. It’s just a life lesson, nothing to beat yourself up over. Maybe some therapy would help you build up your self esteem a little too and discuss why you feel into this trap in the first place?

But op, you binned him. You saw him for what he is and got rid of him.

Why does that make you a dick? I don't get it.

Your spidey senses will be that much more alert next time, that's true. But you're just a normal person, who seeks to trust which is normal. You're not a dick.

OP, did you know that when you are kind to yourself, it has the same neurological effect as receiving an act of kindness from another person?

If your friend was to tell you they'd had a relationship like yours and got themselves out of it, would you be telling them they were stupid dick for putting up with it for as long as they did? Of course you wouldn't, you would be saying well done for seeing through the behaviour and treating yourself with respect.

The only "work" you need to do is to remind yourself in future to not give significantly more to a relationship (whether romantic, friendly, family, work) than you receive from it.

Onwards and upwards!

My sympathy it’s always hard when it doesn’t work out, I had 10 yrs of it but what are we to do.
You dont know what your partner is like until you get to know him, so watch out for the signs of meanness and moodyness, don’t expect it to get better because it won’t

We've pretty much all been there. You will get through and have had a lucky escape 💜

It is really hard op. I married one. Be kind to yourself.

You recognized he was a wrong un. You did well. Not like me who married the first one and then stayed with the next one hoping for the originaly lovely man I met to return.
I am definitely less trusting and hold myself back more the older I get.
Sorry op. No words of wisdom or answers.

Well done for spotting it.

My best mate is nearly 3 years into a relationship like this and can't see how wrong it is. And she's given him nearly £10k of her money to invest !

But you saw it and dealt with it. That’s a positive. Personally I would find a counsellor not a book.

Posting on here about it is a good start. At least you know what a prick he is and hopefully never let him back

I think you need to stop being hard on yourself and congratulate yourself instead for learning a valuable life lesson.

Honestly shit men are hard to avoid, we've all been there with one of more of them, don't blame yourself for his behaviour.