Abusive relationship and pressure to leave

[SoFedUpItHurts]

My partner is controlling - I spoke to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline who advised me that I need to leave ASAP, they also told me to inform my employer of the situation which I did.

Because I said I was waiting to get paid to start looking for somewhere my employer has advanced me some money that I didn't ask for, and now I feel horribly guilty because:

• it's nowhere near enough for me to feel comfortable as it's not just a deposit it'll be first month's rent, moving, general expenses

• I'm not ready - I do plan to leave but I'd be much happier to do it at my own pace - there's a lot of loose ends to tie up we've been together a long time

• if I don't do it I'm worried my employer will be annoyed that they tried to help and I threw it back in their face

I'd just feel much better if my plan was watertight - I need to make sure that I don't leave anything out that he could use against me. I also have a cat and it's really hard to find places to rent with pets where I am - and no I won't consider her staying anywhere else - if she can't come with me I'm not going. She's all I have.

I wish I hadn't said anything I only did so because I was advised. My friend says I don't owe them an explanation but I feel like I do.

I feel like rather than empowering me this has taken my choices away... Does that make sense?

I don't even know why I'm posting this I'm just struggling

Sorry you feel like your control is taken away.

Could it be you're partly scared/annoyed because one of the obstacles to leaving has been shrunk and in some way those obstacles are a comfort blanket that you use to justify staying? From not making that big leap?

You could get your cat fostered temporarily until you get settled? There are some pet charities with partnerships with domestic abuse services as it's a problem for lots of women trying to leave relationships.

I think you’re panicking because it’s feeling a little out of your hands and rushed, which is perfectly understandable. Just explain to your work if it will make you feel better, let them know about the hurdles rather than emotional side. I’m sure they’ll understand when they’ve already shown you support.

Rentals don’t take as high deposit as they used to, and many do allow pets now. Even if the ad says no pets, it’s worth calling and asking because letting agents will sometimes add that in as standard without checking with the landlord.
Have you had a good look in your area, or do you just not feel ready yet?

Just thank your employer and explain that the advance has helped you start getting your ducks in a row. Then carry on getting your ducks in a row. Re your cat, ask around. Someone might have a room you could stay in while you find a suitable rental. I'd recommend Shiply for removals, as you can choose the most competitive quote for the job and see feedback before liaising direct with them. Good luck!

When I left an abusive relationship I put a post out on Facebook to see if anyone could temporarily house my cat until I found a more permanent place.
Luckily a friend of my brothers took my cat in for 6 months while I searched for a new place to live. It really helped so could be an option for you aswell.
It is terrifying leaving, even though you know it's best and mine was rushed so I missed quite a lot of my belongings, some of them sentimental (which still annoys me and this was 4 years ago) but it will be the best thing you do.
Try and take the pressure off yourself, you've made huge steps already x

I strongly recommend finding your local DA outreach team. They are much more able to hear circumstances and understand when it's best to make the 'move'