Feelings for a colleague

[uclmerc]

I (27F) started a new job 6 months ago, but am now wondering how to deal with the feelings I have developed for a male colleague who has become a close friend. We clicked instantly and have the same sense of humour, so we began to spend time together outside of the office, just us two. When we first met, I was on the dating scene and navigating the online dating highs and lows, whilst he was (and still is) single and waiting for the right person to come along. I am now in the early stages of a relationship but feel that, despite my partner's best efforts, something is missing.

My colleague often asks how things are between me and my partner, and I've noticed that he's been getting more tactile (poking me in the ribs, touching my nose to "annoy" me). Various people at the workplace have asked if we are together and he jokes about them being "happy for us." We both have said how we haven't ever met anyone with whom we've had such an instant connection so, whatever our relationship is, it feels special.

I have always applied a strict "no dating at the office" rule, and I think this should be the same, especially given the small size of the company. However, how is the best way to deal with such a situation? Any ideas?

So you have both said that you have a special connection, did it not lead on to any other conversation? That sounds like it would have been the right time for it.

Various people at the workplace have asked if we are together and he jokes about them being "happy for us."

small company but clearly already being noticed. So it seems you might have a strict no relationship policy as no long as you don’t make it official but certainly you have a relationship and your kidding yourself and deceiving your new partner to think otherwise

So you have this amazing special connection and spent time just the two of you… yet you’ve entered into a relationship with someone else and your relationship with your colleague never progressed from fairly tame flirting?

I have a sexual relationship with a co-worker but we both know it will never be anything more than that.

It's going to get in the way of your other relationship, so you either have to quit that one, as it's not fair on him, or you have to tell your colleague that he has to stop flirting. Even if you do the latter, if you're still thinking about your colleague, it still won't be fair on your date.

Plenty of relationships do start in the workplace. I'm not going to be hypocritical and say don't do it, because I've had workplace relationships, both serious and casual. But you need to remember that if it doesn't work out, you still have to work together- you can't just block him on everything as you could with a non-colleague relationship - and while you can get a new job, that won't happen over night, you will still have to work your notice. And it can hurt like hell, because it's still there in front if you, even if you totally compartmentalise and are completely professional in the workplace.

I'd probably shag the colleague, but I am appallingly bad with professional boundaries.

How is this fair on your new boyfriend? Tell him you fancy someone else so he can decide for himself if he wants to continue to date you.

Could your male colleague be gay by any chance, OP ?

I met my DH at work and worked with him for years after we got together. I know plenty of people who have done the same. My feeling about it was: i didn’t often meet interesting, attractive and available men who were also interested in me so I wasn’t going to walk away from it just because we worked together. He felt the same.

It can mean one or other of you has to move job if it doesn’t work out. So I suppose you have to decide whether your job is so incredible and unique that it’s more important to remain in that job at all costs than risk having to find another one by dating this guy and seeing if you’ve met a possible life partner.

Do you fancy your colleague?

More than your new partner?

If yes, you need to be prepared to find another job or it’s going to get messy.

Then see what happens. Either you split with your current partner and give it a go with the now ex-colleague or you stick with current partner and stop seeing now ex-colleague.

It sounds to me like you've realised your partner isn't a match for you, so I would deal with that issue first. If he was right for you, I don't think you'd be wondering about the colleague and, as you say, something's missing.

As for the colleague, why not ask him if he's flirting with you? (It sounds like he is.) I wouldn't waste time and I wouldn't worry about the whole 'dating a colleague' thing - many couples meet at work. Yes, it might get messy, but that's life and at least you will have given it a good go.

If you really feel that connection then I’d speak to him about it. If there a chance of one of you finding another job. Or moving to a different section of the company? I’ve just started dating an ex colleague. I’m glad I don’t work directly with him anymore as I think it would get messy, and feel weird being in a meeting with him. I’m already wondering what my immediate colleagues will say when they know (if it becomes more serious) as they obviously know him. We definitely had a connection when we met, he always used to moan to me in a jokey way about lack of sex as he’s single and has his kids 100%. I mean he’s still probably moaning about lack of sex as we haven’t got to that stage yet, but we will hopefully by next week! Just go for it, life is too short. I’m genuinely smitten with my ex colleague and I know it’s hard to find that immediate connection with someone and fancy them.

@uclmerc, you’re sabotaging your relationship with your Partner by having an emotional affair with your colleague. Shut this down immediately and invest in your partnership, or end it. Your P deserves more respect than this.