Marriage over what now?

[56andsingle]

As my user name suggests I’ll be 56 in a couple of weeks and my marriage of 30+ years is over. Things haven’t been good for a while, H had become more and more secretive, acting dodgy and just generally making me feel paranoid whenever I questioned his actions.

the final straw came a few weeks ago when I discovered he’d secretly spent thousands of pounds I didn’t know he had on some gaming app. He lied, denied it etc etc, then got defensive and aggressive (not violent) just verbally. I then found out he’d been chatting to some women on this gaming app and I’m not sure how long this has been going on for or to what extent. It’s definitely been a few months at least.

I walked into the kitchen yesterday and he was smiling like a Cheshire Cat on his phone, I asked him who he was talking to and he jumped and said no one, and started flapping trying to put his phone in his pocket. I asked him could I have a look then and he said no, I asked why not if he had nothing to hide, he said no again, I said why, and he said ‘cos it’s over’.

im upset, pissed off, and feel trapped. He’s not working and said he can’t afford to leave. The house is rented and we have an adult son with autism who lives at home. Im self employed and work from home. All my earnings go into a joint account that h and I have access to that also pays all the bills.

I don’t want to leave my home, h couldn’t afford to stay here even if I did leave so that would be pointless. I’ve spent a lot redecorating recently and moving would cause my son I lot of unnecessary stress. But I don’t know how long I can live with h being such a knob, I feel like he’s just taking and having his fun and not allowing me to move on with my life. I don’t want anyone else, I just don’t want to live with someone I hate and resent for treating me like shit!

Sorry, I don’t mean to drip feed, but I’ve given everything to my marriage and family and don’t have any friends so nobody to talk or rant to 😡

That sucks, you have my sympathy.

If he point blank refuses to move your only choices are to miserably life with him for the rest of your life, or force his arm by moving out. Him being in the position of having to sign a document from the LL / letting agency making him solely responsible for the flat and rent, might be the wake up call he needs that he needs to move out.

Find another flat and move out. Give notice. Short term pain, long term gain.
Easier said than done but you don't need another second more of this cocklodger dragging you down.
But first for goodness sake get a separate account asap and move the money.
If he's spending thousands you will all be bankrupt and will have to leave your home anyway.

Separate your finances as soon as possible and start divorce procedings.

If he says the marriage is over what does he plan to do. With respect he knew he was unemployed and unable to afford to live independently when he decided the marriage was over and started courting other women so really he only has himself to blame here. In ending the marriage he ends any commitment you had to supporting him financially. What he does from here on in isn’t your concern.

I’d take steps to separate financially - don’t put anything in the joint account and don’t subsidise him any longer. Is the tenancy in joint names? Can you have it transferred to you alone maybe on evidencing that you alone are paying rent?

Check your financial position, including any benefits you might be entitled to as carer for your adult son, and if he really won’t move take steps to find somewhere for you and your son. Whether he can afford to live there or not is no longer your problem. Yes it’s galling to leave somewhere you’ve invested in, but how much better to have freedom and peace of mind.

Stop paying into a joint account right now.

Find a new place after Christmas he can pay all bills and won't have any money for his gaming apps.

Do you know where he got the money from? Has he been taking from the joint account? If I were you i’d move as much as you can that you i’ve earned into a separate account. I know you don’t want to move but it sounds like you may not have much of a choice, otherwise you end up paying for him to waste money on gaming and some sort of affair and living expenses.

You could tell him he needs to leave if it’s over and see what he says and if he refuses then you’ll have to fond a new rental and give notice.

Has he been living off you since he isn't working? If he is stop that and make him fend for himself.
How will he cope if you have to leave? Can he afford to keep the place on? On universal credit paying bedroom tax and bills? If so he should move and get a smaller place because if he can't afford to move to a smaller place he can't afford where he is.
Definitely sort your money out and don't feed or provide for him he's not your problem any more.
Good luck

Thank you all for your comments.
I’ve opened a new bank account that all money will now go in to and transferred most of the funds over to it.

he’s only used a small amount (less than £100) from the joint account, I’ve no idea where he’s got the other money from, when I went onto the iPad into transactions and saw the amounts that he’d spent I felt sick. When I questioned him about it he just sat there staring at me not saying anything. He won’t say where the money came from. We play the lottery every week that he does on an account online and there’s a congratulations you’ve won email from a few weeks ago but he says he doesn’t know the log in details for me to check.

I feel like everything out of his mouth are just lies now and can barely look at him.

the rental agreement is in my name but always considered it the family home not just mine. He has no reason to stay as far as I can see but I can’t physically throw him out, it’s like it’s just convenience for him 🤬

He has no reason to stay as far as I can see but I can’t physically throw him out,

Why not? He says the marriage is over, he’s living in your house rent free - you can tell him to leave.

I’ve no idea where he’s got the other money from,

Could he have borrowed it from somewhere?

Well done for moving the money. I think if he’s not on the tenancy you could tell him to leave? Perhaps give him until after xmas?

It sounds horrible and i’m sorry this is happening. At least you are in a good position where you can afford the home and to support you and your son - he sounds like he’s been draining you anyway? How long since he worked? Do you need his help for your son or anything like that?

Was the game one of these fantasy kingdom / battle type ones by any chance where you build up a "team" and spend lots of money on add ons, and time bonding with your team? If so, I've had a similar experience with this.

I'd definitely want to know where he got that money from. And he absolutely isn't entitled to live in the house if you pay for it!

File for divorce, he'll need to complete Form E and declare any money he has.

Otherwise if you suspect he has won the lottery pay a forensic account or PI? Ring around for a few quotes as it's a simple case of finding out if he has an account with money in it shouldn't be too expensive?

That money is half yours.

Forensic accountant, for sure. If he says the marriage is over, he needs to get out. Potentially, you may need to move elsewhere to get rid of him.

Yes it is one of those style games. I’m not a gamer type so not sure what really goes on or what you do on them. He did admit (eventually) to chatting to a couple of women, albeit flirting in my book, stupid stuff you wouldn’t expect a grown man in his 50’s to be doing 😡wtaf??

I’ve spoken to him this evening and told him I need him to leave, he’s agreed and said he’ll move out as soon as he can but can’t give me a before or after Christmas timeline. I’ve also finally got the lottery numbers off him, and checked those. There’s a few £10 wins here and there but no big wins, I still didn’t know about them though.

I’ve asked again where he got the £1000’s from he’s spent on the game, he’s still being as dodgy as fk!! He muttered something about selling some stuff he had but couldn’t say what, when or for how much.

Im absolutely livid, I can’t believe I’ve given 30 odd yrs to this bastard and he’s thrown it all away. The more angry I’m getting the more red flags I’m seeing throughout the relationship and I feel so hurt by it all. I feel utterly destroyed and drained

@56andsingle So sorry...my DH did exactly the same on those type of games although fortunately I stopped it before it got to the thousands. He was messaging members of his "clan" weird things like how songs reminded them of him, just stupid flirty little things that were fairly harmless but he still knew full well he shouldn't be doing behind my back. I think he got some weird kick off being the Captain to all these virtual women. So so weird.

I’ve been on the iPad and he’s deleted the game and logged out of his email account and changed the password. I reinstalled the game on the iPad and it logged back into his gaming account and he’s still playing it but must be doing everything on his phone now.

his phone is thumbprint recognition and password protected and he won’t tell me what any of his passwords are. He says it’s private.

other than that he’s strutting around today like he’s done nothing wrong, made tea and cleared plates away. Wouldn’t mind but he’s done fk all around the place for months despite things needing doing and being asked. Even pulling his face if I asked him to go to the tip, fix a door handle, just simple home maintenance basics. And yes, I know I could do them but fk me is it to much to ask your partner to help!!